I don’t want to see my son anymore

I think that sometimes expectations can be based on unrealistic understandings of how lives and lifestyles differ between (and within) families. My sister and I were discussing this last night, as my mum is fond of saying how she is 'sorry for' friends whose families 'don't bother with them'. My mum can be manipulative, so this is likely to be code for 'you should do more', but that's a different story. The reality is that the families in question actually do a lot for their older relatives, but maybe not in the way that many of my mum's generation were able to do.

My mum didn't work, so had all day to herself when we were at school. She lived near her own mum, so could easily drop in on her way to the shops to see if my grandmother needed anything whilst she was there. My father worked 9-5, Monday-Friday, so if something needed to come down from the loft, or a fence needed fixing, he had every evening and weekend free to do it if my grandmother couldn't manage. As children, we didn't have anywhere near as many after-school activities as are available nowadays, so we were able to run errands where necessary, too.

It's not fair to compare this to a family (such as the one currently being criticised) in which both parents work long and irregular hours, including evenings and weekends which they juggle to fit around school runs and childcare. They live a car journey away from my mum's friend, their children have classes and clubs which between them take up at least part of most evenings, and things like shopping are fitted in where possible, or delivered. It's hectic. Of course there is not the same likelihood that the woman (it is always the woman who is blamed) can drop in three times a week, stay for coffee to keep her MIL or mum company, run errands and 'bother with' her. It's not that they don't care, although constant guilt-tripping is very off-putting, but that there isn't time.

Maybe it is a case of wanting payback for the times when the now older generation was young, and felt under an obligation to entwine their lives more than is usual now, and it seems unfair that when it should be 'their turn' things have changed? I don't know, but maybe you would feel less hurt if you consider the practicalities of what is involved with Christmas for your son's new family, and what would have to give for him to spend it with you every year? They will want downtime too (often forgotten when both partners work) as well as to make their own traditions and spend time with friends as well as family. It must be hard having your husband in a nursing home, so maybe you are taking things to heart more than usual, but I think you will regret it if you cut your son off over this.

Doodledog I couldn’t have put it better myself 😂. All our adult children work full time, one lives far away anyway, teenage children to run around. We buy in what help we can and see them when they are free

So how did Christmas go for you not justaprettyface?
Hope it was better than expected.

Your DS is perfectly entitled go away for a few days for Xmas. I do think Xmas can get blown up.out of proportion. Just see him another day and enjoy his company . I would really try hard to avoid a falling out . There are
So many estranged AC these days and I speak as one who has first hand experience. It seems like a plague at the moment. I genuinely would not wish it on my worst enemy.

Excellent post Doddledog, that's how it is today for working families. It doesn't mean your children don't love you because you don't seem them as often as you'd like. Often they are run ragged trying to fit in everything.

Unfortuantley I know this feeling Just because they are our children does not guarantee that we will ike them as a person I have two sons..one is a near Angel the other a devil ..un caring harsh and un feeling--what can we do--nothing--just accept it and have least to do with them as possible becasue they bring negativitiy to our lives and that should always be eradicated right..

Goodness me, does it all warrant not seeing your son anymore?

I am very sorry this is forcing a wedge between you both but without coming across as harsh, your son is not a little boy anymore, he is a grown man with thoughts and ideas that seem to be far away from your own, you really must try and understand that, it's hard, i know it is, i am not trying to be harsh but he is your son, please dont cut him off, also once again without sounding harsh, there are 2 sides to every story. X

I might be wrong but I don’t think the OP is coming back or even reading. Just a feeling I have or the last time she posted was the 19th December.

Yes petra - as most OPs do ..

Be careful because forever is a long time.