I feel like the other woman!

A lot to unpick here. And of course these are just my own thoughts…

He lied a lot didn’t he? I can’t even imagine going out for seven years with anyone who had omitted to tell me he was married with children, albeit separated. When did he see them? You must have wondered at times when he took himself ‘off grid’ occasionally? Christmas with his boy(s) for instance?

And why pretend his father had died? Oh I get it even as I type. He couldn’t risk introducing you!

So, for years he lived a double life and you never knew. Did you suspect?

As Mary Angelou would say “if someone tells you who they are, believe them”.

Now he’s about to be a grandfather. He’s likely just curious about the grandmother in all this. Probably.

Well you love him. Even after finding out about his lies (I’d have run for the hills at that point alone). He won’t talk. He’s secretive.

Good luck going forward. I’d push communication.
It’s key.
He won’t like it though. It’s his nature to withhold.

It doesn’t sound as if you’re married. You don’t refer to him as your husband. If he was married to his previous partner, did they ever divorce?

I can imagine how you feel. It isn't nice to be lied to, and it's manipulative. I have been in a similar position myself, though not about a relationship - more to do with money - which I think is easier to cope with. It's always difficult when we are lied to. How can we trust that person again?

The person who lied to me is still in my life but I don't think it's wise to trust him. Perhaps as Urmstongran said, communication is the key, but I would also caution against being too trusting in the future. Not taking everything he says at face value, so as not to be shocked if anything else comes to light.

If I’ve understood you correctly, you were 19 and he was 30 when you got together. It was 7 years later you discovered he was married/separated with children. To add to this deceit, he told you more lies, that you couldn’t meet his father, who had died.
I’m not surprised you feel uneasy that he seems to be more interested in his ex wife on line. than their children and expected grandchild.

It sounds as though your relationship began in a tangle of lies. You’re feeling like ‘the other woman again’. That way of expressing it does suggest he might still have been in a relationship with his wife when you got together.

You say you love him but don’t know what to do. You’ve tried to talk with him, he shuts you down, you argue. I’m sorry you’re in a difficult place. Can you trust him. Trust is key in secure relationships. Have you considered Relate? Their counsellors are well trained. They’d see you alone if that feels easier for you, a safe space to work out how you feel and what you want to happen. Waiting lists are long but it’s free

He lied to you for seven years; you were only 19 when you met and I think he took advantage of your naivety. You refer to him as your partner yet talk of his ex-wife.
Do you know definitely that he is divorced?

As I read it, you still are the other woman, even though you now know his family and have a good relationship with them. You have your son to protect and I think you have to find out exactly what he is doing, and be clear about what you want.
Sadly, I think this is a man who is not prepared to commit.

I hate to say this OP but I'd get my ducks in a row if I was you. This man has told you whopping lies. Basically he invented another persona to catch a 19 year old. Sorry to be so blunt. Now he's going to be a grandfather the dynamics have shifted. He is feeling closer to the mother of his adult son and thinking about the years they spent together, the memories they share etc which were all in his youth. Memories of youth are always more alluring than the cold, hard present. The two of them are going to share a close bond through this grand child and he's probably wistfully regretting their separation (did they ever divorce?). He has already proved himself to be a Billy Liar so I suspect that fantasy plays quite a role in his life. Now he is fantasising about the what ifs. As I said OP, get your ducks in a row.

I understand that you love your partner Rebecca and have been happy for some time. It seems though your life together has been based on lies and is now starting to unravel. It's very sad but I think you need to take the advice of flappergitl and get your ducks in a row.

I came across a phrase a few years ago and I consider it often:
Don't make someone a priority when they make you an option.
You deserve the full meal, not crumbs from his table.

Mary Angelou again Mand61. 😊

Hope you’re ok Rebecca. We seem to have an outbreak of agreement here on your situation. We are older than you and between us are likely to have come across this kind of deception, if not directly, then very close to us.

That was a kind message to Rebecca Iam.
Seconded.

Another thing to consider Rebecca is his age. He is now 50, a soon to be grandfather. Whilst once your youth was exciting and boosted his ego, it could now be wearing thin. Presumably ex wife is a similar age to him and they have much more in common. That along with starting over again with a young child. It's easier to be a grandad than a dad at that age. Please put yourself and your son first in this scenario.

i don't think relate is free, except for certain groups.
but that's a detail.
agree with the consensus.
don't cast your pearl before swine.

You can't trust a liar. Ever. I have to respect and trust the person I love and so I couldn't be with him in the first place. Everything was a lie from the beginning so you fell in love with a person you didn't and don't know now.

I am sorry but I think you are right to be wary I fear he will be seeing a lot more of his ex when the grandchild arrives. Does she have a partner now?
Really good advice being given, please look after your and your sons needs

I've two friends who have been with a similar partner and neither relationship ended well. Please think of yourself and your son first and foremost.

As they would ask as one voice on Mumsnet...Are you married? Do you work? Do you own a house together?

Your son is very much your priority. And should be his priority and you as well.
Relate would be a good start. If he won't talk. You need someone to talk to about the current situation. Get a grip on your finances.

I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation - it must be so upsetting. The fact that your partner lied so profoundly to you about something so important and for such a long time is very worrying. And now he is shutting you down when you try and communicate with him about your concerns.

None of this is good and must be very hard for you.

I hope that you have family and friends to lean on during this difficult time.

Trust is the foundation of any relationship and he has seriously breached this. Please make sure your priorities are you and your son.

how can you be with someone for 7 years without finding out about him and where he's been. were you the other woman without realising it.

You have some wonderful advice to digest here, from worldly wise people.
It’s up to you to hear what’s being said and make your choices about how you react to your partner now. But you are young and should never be shut down for wanting open honest communication. It’s not the way to have a trusting relationship.

This man took advantage when you were 19 ! He has lied and lied, you were with him 7 years before you knew the truth - that is unforgivable. You love him I can see that but are you happy? Look after yourself and your son .

You have been together for 20 years and have spent a lotoftime with his children who have obviously accepted you.. is it at all possible that they would accept their father upsetting your relationship in favour of their mother.. is she still alone.. and would she even consider reciprocating his feelings if he did try to approach her..
I think he's more likely to be having unrealistic regrets because he's about to become a GF and he remembers having his first child. These are probably fantasies, but as others have said I would keep your eyes open... and trust your instincts.. you are older and wiser now..

I gong think Rebecca is going to come back

I don't think it is necessarily true that you will see more of his ex wife when the grandchild arrives, there is no need.

I also don't think it is true that;

"He is feeling closer to the mother of his adult son and thinking about the years they spent together, the memories they share etc which were all in his youth. Memories of youth are always more alluring than the cold, hard present. The two of them are going to share a close bond through this grand child and he's probably wistfully regretting their separation " (quote from flappergirl) he might not be thinking anything of the kind, just a vague curiosity. So don't torture yourself with those thoughts.