Nothing To Talk About

Sometimes Silence is Golden 😁

I find this hard to imagine. When I visited my parents my mum and I would talk non stop. My Dad was a good listener but would interject some words of wisdom. We all had busy lives and lots to share. My parents talked a lot about their neighbours if they hadn’t been well enough to get out much.

Now when I visit my sister sometimes the conversation stalls, as she is in a care home and her horizons are limited, but she loves to talk about the old days. Photos of the grandchildren are always a good stimulus.

Mell967 Now you give the background it sheds a different light on the whole issue and the conclusion i reach is, sadly, the one you use in your last sentence.

don’t come to us unless invited

Well invite them then. My mother came to our house, or one or other of my son’s houses, for Sunday lunch every week. If we were not here, one of the boys would invite her. After she stopped driving, one of us or our boys, would always collect her and deliver her home. We frequently went to a pub for a meal, often accompanied by the sons and their families. Not always though. I took her shopping every week, to all her medical appointments, to the cinema as long as she was able, or just brought her round for lunch here in the week sometimes.
I’m not suggesting you do all that but some of it might make life more interesting for them.

I don't think it's sad, but am surprised that at 81, your mum still works 2 evenings a week. What does she do? Perhaps you could talk about her job. I'm guessing you might be late 50s to 60, so chat about your work aswell. My mum was a rather quiet person, and didn't always want to chat, but talking about TV programmes that you all watch is a good suggestion.

I cannot for the life of me understand why people (*even those who have said outright that they are lonely*) insist on keeping the TV on or won’t even mute the sound when they get a visitor.
Anyone would think it had just been invented. There are so many ways of rewatching most TV now that it usually can’t be missed.
I have sometimes felt like just walking out especially when it was a planned visit.
Don’t get me wrong- television can be a good friend but when real people walk in then the tv goes off! 🤗

Mum & Dad don’t come to us unless invited - we’re about half an hour from them.

That sounds perfectly normal to me from that distance, I wouldn't want expect them to call unexpectedly either 🤷

V3ra

^Mum & Dad don’t come to us unless invited - we’re about half an hour from them.^

That sounds perfectly normal to me from that distance, I wouldn't want expect them to call unexpectedly either 🤷

I remember a spate of threads some time ago by DILs and DDs who were most put out because parents called in without being invited.

Heads you win, tails I lose 😁

Callistemon
Haha, isn’t that true.

We have a Sunday at ours policy, sometimes on family group we say sorry not this week and most weeks it’s just checking to see who’s in and who isn’t.
It keeps us all chatting and I hope together to a degree as these’re all in own homes and living own lives now.
What I would hate would not to be welcomed into my children’s homes or for them to feel obliged to visit with nothing to say.
I imagine we have to continue to work together not to separate off as it would be so easy.

We are so lucky in that DS2 and DD are great chatterboxes, so much so that sometimes I wonder what has been said. So visits are full on.
But, I do remember a friend saying that when she phoned her mum, she had to be sure that it wasn't when she would be watching one of her soaps! Not to be interrupted!

Turn the bloody box off and take them out somewhere

You need to write an actual list of topics and learn it before you go there.

E.g. jokes about the weather Jokes about you work etc.
A particular plant in you garden, Ask if they are fond og trees, roses. How they prune their rose if have one. Keep to particular questions especially perhaps trivial things that you can build a few remarks and further questions on.
If they don;t reply and remain mute make a remark about what is on the TV and are they watching it. Would they rather watch TV than talk? If they do there is nothing wrong with companionable watching together.

Google jokes about cats and kittens and learn them off by heart,

My parents both died when I was 29 (rather a long time ago) but I never run out of things to talk about with my adult daughters. Politics, what we're reading, grandchildren in the case of two of them, our work. Maybe the parents in OP's post feel their age and are weary and need taking out of themselves. If they love their TV shows (and I became an avid watcher during six months of ill-health last year), get them to tell you about them. It might draw them out. Other good suggestions above. Ask them about their childhood and older family members. You'll wish you had done it when they are gone.

They have days out, go to the theatre, about to have a kitten, like watching TV, mum still works (!) - seems plenty to chat about to me! So you work full time? Do you go out / have hobbies / read books / watch TV / go on holiday?
Maybe you could plan a day out together?

Maybe invite them over for Sunday lunch once a month?
Sounds like your Mum is more outgoing- could you take her out to a garden centre? Then maybe the next time go for a walk with your Dad? Walking is definitely where I have the best conversations with family.

Mel1967

Just be grateful they still know you. The last time i saw my Mumbefore she died she hadnt a clue who I was

My dad is very like this, he’s 92, has no memory to speak of, doesn’t remember his grandchildren’s names or even that I may have spoken to him just 10 mins before on the phone. He doesn’t read, has no hobbies, doesn’t go out and if I try to talk to him about family he’s not interested . It’s a 3 hour round trip to see him. He has carers 4 times a day and a nurse twice a day but still says he lonely and why don’t I visit more often it’s a strain to be honest. I go once a month and my sister is just down the street from him, she can cope with about 20 mins and I stay for about 3 hours when I m there. I take my little dog with me as he adores her but it’s not easy

I remember visiting my Mum in her latter years when her conversations were solely about funerals and the illnesses and hospitalisation of friends and neighbours. I fear that my conversations are now tipping into that stage. My daughter teases me about this and allows me a quick "bad news bulletin" before we pick up on our normal lively conversations on everything from politics to her latest travel plans.

I am in the same position with my dad; 94 and in a retirement flat. We have very little in common so once I’ve done the we’re all ok bit and he’s aired his real or perceived problems and I’ve sorted out what I can then that’s about it really. He gets upset if I talk about mum (she died two years ago) or anything in “the past”. He’s not interested in the grandchildren really apart from me saying they’re ok. I do a lot of crocheting.

My son is like that with me, he honestly does not know what to say to me. It is me that's to do all the talking and often I sense his head is pre-occupied and that the is not interested at all. My daughter in law is too exhausted from work to talk, but our granddaughter is a delight she will chat none stop.
I would never go to them unless invited. I do not like visitors unless I invite them myself. I work full time voluntarily and it is an interruption, when I have planned what I have to do, but I love company when I know in advance. We are all different. I can always talk for England, but am very sad my son does not engage with me more. I hardly know him these days. How I wish my son was like the OP who does want to engage but find it hard, perhaps he is!!!

I am the family genealogist and often would have some nugget to share. My mother had an amazing memory and lived to a great age but she never had much to say about her years in London during the Blitz etc. By chance she spoke of a nun she was fond of from her school. She had an unusual name so I used genealogy tools to find out more about her. This led me to a Facebook page for her school and a request from a person who was writing a book about it. With this in mind, I 'interviewed' her and her memories became a chapter in the book. She was able to supply many photos as well.

I used to talk about anything and everything with my dear parents. They didn’t actually DO a great deal in retirement apart from visit their favourite restaurants, but that was always a good topic, loving food as they did! But we were never stuck for lively conversation. Current affairs, books, especially science fiction, and the then latest technology with my dad, history, books, cookery, fashion, health with my mum. Family-the grandchildren, old times and they were a fascinating source of family history which I treasure. I can only be grateful that we all talked the hind leg of the proverbial donkey most of the time, especially as much of that changed when my father was diagnosed with dementia and my mother had a stroke. Glad to have those happy memories. Just wish it flowed as easily with my adult children sometimes!

Amalegra

I used to talk about anything and everything with my dear parents. They didn’t actually DO a great deal in retirement apart from visit their favourite restaurants, but that was always a good topic, loving food as they did! But we were never stuck for lively conversation. Current affairs, books, especially science fiction, and the then latest technology with my dad, history, books, cookery, fashion, health with my mum. Family-the grandchildren, old times and they were a fascinating source of family history which I treasure. I can only be grateful that we all talked the hind leg of the proverbial donkey most of the time, especially as much of that changed when my father was diagnosed with dementia and my mother had a stroke. Glad to have those happy memories. Just wish it flowed as easily with my adult children sometimes!

me too

I struggle to think of things to say to my mum now in our WhatsApp video calls that take place two or three times a week.

Luckily, she rarely runs out of things to tell me.
On reflection, that should probably be 'sadly', rather than 'luckily', because she is increasingly forgetting what she has already told me so repeats the same thing two or three times. 😔