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narcissistic man

(103 Posts)
faringdon59 Mon 18-Mar-24 13:05:44

I've been dating a man who is the same age as me (68) for the last 17 months. Met him online. We were meeting up every Sunday staying over until Monday and then again meeting up on Wednesday over until Thursday
Every since I started seeing him he talks constantly about his ex wife and also ex partner of ten years. I said to him that I was worried that at some stage he was going to sell his house and move back in with his ex.
They are still so attached that after using a decorator ( which I'd recommended to him) he gave the number to his ex wife so that she could get a good price for her decorating.
Because two of his adult children still live with his ex he sees nothing wrong with going there for a meal.
He saw nothing unusual about this.
Last week I was feeling poorly with a tummy problem and he didn't text for two days, so I texted him. He replied on the Saturday evening and then I didn't hear from him until the following Thursday.
So when he got back in touch I sent him a text to say I thought it was best to end things.
He was also extremely tight with money, so I'd always pay my half when we went out, which I didn't mind. But we had only been to the cinema once and out for a meal once in the whole 17 months.
Looking online and on You tube I feel he has all of the traits of a narcissist. Talking constantly about the ex's and the four days of no texts were both manipulation techniques used by narcs.
The advice online for dealing for this behaviour is to go completely no contact, which is what I've done.
I think he's furious that I dumped him as he's always done the discarding previously.
His company and the physical was the best I've ever known, but I also ignored that fact that he was extremely misogynistic.
Should I go back and try again, although I have to admit I'm scared of him getting angry, he never got angry with me before but I ended things by text as I didn't want to experience any anger from him.
Now worried that he's going to start stalking me (this happened to me about 5 years ago and it was a dreadful experience).
Any advice or opinions would be welcome.

SueDonim Mon 18-Mar-24 13:08:38

I’d be heading for the hills, I’m afraid. He’s already shown you who he is and is unlikely ever to change.

BlueBelle Mon 18-Mar-24 13:14:40

I think you know the answer don’t you ?

MissAdventure Mon 18-Mar-24 13:15:40

The label doesn't matter.
What does is that your expectations don't match.

He sounds like a lot of older, single men, to me.

charley68 Mon 18-Mar-24 13:16:44

No, no, no, no, no and No.

Oregano Mon 18-Mar-24 13:20:19

I would not have anything more to do with him as he has shown you these unpleasant traits, very tight with money and hardly ever taking you out, still talking about his ex-wife etc. He also should have shown some concern when you weren't well so I wouldn't give him another thought to be honest.
Hope you can move on from this man and find someone you deserve, or enjoy time with friends and family instead.

Germanshepherdsmum Mon 18-Mar-24 13:21:21

In 17 months you have only been out together twice and each time you went Dutch? He’s only in it for the sex. I wonder what he does on Fridays and Saturdays? Do not go back to him. If he harasses you or stalks you call the police.

Sarnia Mon 18-Mar-24 13:28:22

RUN! You have made the right decision to end this relationship. The sentence in your OP that says it all to me is
^ He saw nothing unusual about this^ Narcissists never do. Their needs and actions are paramount and they don't see why anyone should question that. Don't weaken because he will never change. Look after yourself instead.

MissAdventure Mon 18-Mar-24 13:30:47

I don't think 17 months is long enough to expect someone to change their life, and his sounds very comfortable, for him.

He sounds selfish though.

Smileless2012 Mon 18-Mar-24 13:32:29

I don't think that this man is a narcissist but as MissAs posted labels don't matter. His apparent inability to get over his ex wife would be a big enough red flag for me.

You've ended the relationship, so leave it there.

henetha Mon 18-Mar-24 13:39:23

I've been where you are now. I was an idiot and kept going back.
Please take care and stay firmly away from this man. He will not make you happy.
I hope he doesn't stalk you. If so, write each event down and then tell the police.
You deserve better than this. Move on and I hope you find happiness soon.

Norah Mon 18-Mar-24 13:39:45

I've no idea what a narcissist really is/does - other than reading people's thoughts here, and I doubt most are capable to diagnose. However I know who sounds like an awful partner: this man.

Be done, a great physical relationship is not enough. Stay far away.

sodapop Mon 18-Mar-24 13:52:42

He sounds like a real catch faringdon59 you deserve better . Take suedonim's advice and run for the hills.

Dinahmo Mon 18-Mar-24 13:58:09

run for the hills and find a toy boy for occasional pleasure.

Redhead56 Mon 18-Mar-24 14:01:38

Read your post again it’s negative throughout so best let this man go he is not for you obviously.

crazyH Mon 18-Mar-24 14:32:15

What a catch !!

Mollygo Mon 18-Mar-24 14:45:21

You’ve ended it. Stick with that decision.

pascal30 Mon 18-Mar-24 14:50:29

I don't think he is a narcissist but he doesn't sound as if he cherishes you and wants to please you.. He sounds a bit of a user.. and clearly enjoys having his ex's in his life still.. as GSM said I wonder what he does with his time away from you..

TheKevin20 Mon 18-Mar-24 14:51:11

When someone shows you who they are - believe them. Do not go back.

Theexwife Mon 18-Mar-24 14:51:32

You do not need to label somebody just because he isn’t right for you. Move on and forget about him, it was not a happy relationship.

TinSoldier Mon 18-Mar-24 14:57:32

Let me get this straight. In seventeen months, you see one another on Sundays and Wednesdays for sex and a sleepover but have only been out in public together twice?

Do you even know where he is when he is not visiting his adult children? Have you never had a long weekend away together or a holiday? In seventeen months? What do you do on your's and his birthdays? Where does he spend Christmas and other public holidays?

I agree. Attempting amateur psychology to explain his behaviour isn’t going to provide an explanation.

Unless you are happy with the status quo, happy being his Sunday and Wednesday side-piece, (because if he is a narc, they always have one) then you need to get out permanently and close down all avenues of communication.

He won’t like it. He will come back time and time again trying to lovebomb you into getting what he wants but it’s all for his benefit. Narcs cannot be alone. They are immensely insecure and need constant attention. Cut him off permanently and he’ll be straight back to the dating site lining up his next conquest if he hasn’t already done so.

Aveline Mon 18-Mar-24 14:59:56

He's not narcissistic he's just not that keen I'm afraid. Move on

rafichagran Mon 18-Mar-24 15:00:22

Leave it there, you are not missing much.

JollyJilly Mon 18-Mar-24 15:01:53

I agree with @BlueBelle. You already know the answer, Run for the hills.

Katie59 Mon 18-Mar-24 18:10:58

Discussing previous relationships is a killer, my now husband asked me once why I divorced my ex, I replied “ I havn’t had a cuddle for 10 yrs” - “OK we can put that right”. No further discussion has taken place, that’s the way it should be, you must move on.