Am I Being Unreasonable in missing my close friend

You are not being unreasonable, it is understandable that you miss her and it will upset you.

Sadly I think you are going to have to accept that your friendship will be different, she is bound to prioritise her partner and has probably picked up a bit of negativity about it from you.

It is a good thing that you still do the things you used to and I hope you meet someone to share them with.

This is very sad but it would seem all too common.

You can choose to be happy for your friend- is she happy? If so then as a friend you should be happy for her.

You can choose to be a little empty without here-not that she's gone anywhere, and maybe just maybe, it won't last.

Good friendships can weather the storms and she may need you soon more than you know.

Try to keep in touch as much as you can but also do some new things and keep the focus on what's best for you.

Sorry to hear your news, but unfortunately this is sometimes the case. Interest groups are good to join so that you can meet new people and can 'click' with new connections. Perhaps meet up with her ever so often and just be bright and breezy about what you are doing. Nothing stays the same forever and, at the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own happiness. Good luck and I hope things smooth out for you.

Does she call him Mr Perfect or is that your (private?) name for him?
This is quite telling, either way...

She is in the new love flush here and only has eyes for him. Maybe you remember that? I do.
I also remember being "told off" by my good friend for leaving her out which was never deliberate. That was a painful thing as I loved her. However our friendship didn't really recover from it even though I gave her time "on our own without him" I'm afraid I did it grudgingly.

She will always love you in her heart but you may need to do things with both of them if you want some fun together now. In time it may change but at the moment you don't want to make her feel guilty for loving him.

Thinking of you.

Love and friendship are living things. They change and there is lifes ebb and flow. We have to accept this as we cannot change it. I had my best friend that I knew from the age of 2. We went to school together, passed the 11+ and on to the grammar school together. Then my father got promotion and I had to leave my beloved Yorkshire and all that meant so much to me and go to Hertfordshire at 13. I was deeply unhappy about it all and especially the thought that my best friend would be friends with other people and all that we had shared would be lost. No-one seemed to have the insight or the will to help me understand what was happening and how to deal with the changes. Well you have to work at friendship as with any other relationship. I kept in touch, saw her as much as I could, wrote regularly (no phones then) . Well I am pleased to tell you she is still my longest known friendship and we have been friends now for 76 years. I moved a lot and lived abroad. I was always careful to make sure she had my new address when ever I moved. Naturally things change over the years, but we have been there for the good and bad things. I sang at her husbands funeral, she was here for me when my husband died. We have had mixed times, some years only managed to meet up once or twice for a lunch others more . But the point is we know we are there for each other and wish each other all the best in our lives. There have been the disappointments when we had hoped to get together and not been able to manage it. She was a widow for many years and is now happily married again. So in the same way I do not see her as much but we are still important to each other and know that , which is what counts. So my advice is as others say, try not to begrudge her her happiness, because if you do this will surely split you up more and be remembered. Think how you would like her to behave if it was the other way round. In practical terms one of the things you might do is something that you enjoyed but she didnt. I am a widow now and live alone. Not a lot of good things to enjoy about it , but if I want I can go out get in the car and disappear off for the day. I hate shopping and would rather sit by the sea and watch the boats or walk up in the dales. So when my husband was ill for quite a while we could not go up the dales much. So I can go as and when I like now. Have a think if there is something that you liked to do and havent done for ages and give it a go. There are many voluntary things you could do and charities are crying out for help. I did 10 years hospital car driving, read on Talking Newspapers, took disabled people for a trip out, drove the little white bus etc.Try out things for yourself and dont be too clingy. When you are able to ring or see her and tell her about your swimming or tennis or whatever ,you will both relax and then your friendship will move into another phase to enjoy. Dont lose something precious, add to it with your new hobbies. Wishing you all the best

madeleine45
What a lovely post and so supportive. Thank you, it has cheered me up !

Long friendships wax and wane, but if they are solid they survive. My closest friend and I met at school nearly 70 years ago. Over that period we have been inseperable, at boarding school, seen very little of each other, when my children were small and she was single and building a career, and so much closer as we age, as, now, only her younger brother has known her as long as I have, and vice versa.

Your friend has a new partner, and of course other things, other friends will drift to the margins while this partnership is new. But what usually happens, is the new partnership settles down, and while things will not be the same, your friendship will stay firm, but different.

I remember when I met my future husband so many, many years ago, I was in love and nothing else mattered but him. He felt the same way and sad to say our friends drifted into the background as we preferred to do things together. Perhaps in time when the first signs of new love has passed your friend may once again reach out to you.

My oldest friend 30 odd years is a link to the past when my life was very troubled. She was a great support.We still are in contact see each other maybe twice a year, but we WhatsApp and text each other all the time. She has other friends she's known ALL her life but it doesn't impinge on our friendship. We never actually do 'stuff' together we just gel together so we'll and when we meet it's as though we saw each other yesterday. Give your friend time with her new man she will eventually drift back once that first flush dies down.

If you truly care about each other this friendship will survive.. get on with your life and find other things you enjoy, only send positive thoughts in her direction and give it some time.. she is rightly enjoying her new love and as long as you are not resentful of this she will not forget you.. and may find more time for you..

Madeleine45, what a lovely contribution. You are undoubtedly a very positive person with a beautiful heart. Thank you🌷

Your friendship is still there - but changed. Keep in touch - but not too often! She knows you are there and who knows she may need you in the future. Get out there and enjoy life !

Agree with Monica.

Kim19

Madeleine45, what a lovely contribution. You are undoubtedly a very positive person with a beautiful heart. Thank you🌷

ditto

The same here BigMamma. In later life, I’m deeply sorry how I side-lined a friend when I started dating DH. We’d met at College and I saw her every weekend and suddenly it all stopped. I later found out she’d gone to work for the Camphill movement where her younger brother was a resident.

Thank you all for your responses, they're so helpful and supportive. My friend phoned today and we're meeting up tomorrow. NotSpaghetti friend refers to him as 'Perfect', we both now call him Mister Perfect (I hope to meet one like him one day - or even a Mister-not-quite-Perfect would be nice).

boheminan I truly hope you have a lovely day.

It sounds to me that you are still important to each other - and that you don't need to worry as you were doing.

I think her "Mr Perfect" name probably comes from a cheery place.
👍

Exactly the same thing happened to me. At first I was hurt and put out. I got used to it though, concentrated on other friends and now it doesn’t matter. We still see one another but far less frequently.

It is sad when you lose your best friend and someone you spent so much time with. Perhaps you could cultivate a friendship with him too. Perhaps invite them both around to your house for an evening meal ? Also there are lots of groups you could join , maybe some light charity work , where you'd meet other people and Perhaps make new friends.

Lovely positive post madelaine45.

There are times and seasons for friendships, you drift in and out of intense relationships but so often, when people move away or transfer some of their emotional energy into a new relationship things can be picked up again at a later date so it's maybe not permeant.

It is so lovely to read such supportive messages for the OP, who I hope continues to enjoy having her close friend in her life.

She is entitled to have a new life with her Mr right but does seem she has dropped your company very much. Not very nice, You may feel hurt but also it seems it’s become a big loss to you. It’s nice if you can tell her how you feel, you never know you may be able to make up a foursome, even just for friendship? Who knows,

Feel your pain; I have been exactly where you are now and felt gutted at the time
Sadly our friendship did not survive; we gradually drifted apart and an email from her in reply to one of mine catching up just before one Christmas ended up with something along the lines of best wishes for the future, making it clear she no longer wanted me in her life. I never responded and looking back years on I can see our friendship wasn't as strong as I had thought
I have seen her twice since - once at the GP surgery, she was coming out as I was going in and we had a brief and civil but very stilted conversation and another time from a distance at a village carnival where I actively avoided her by retreating into looking intently at one of the stalls until she had passed by.
I have long moved on, now with a partner of my own and I seldom think about my former friend