Slightly awkward conversations.

I think that my daughter who lives closest to us will probably be on holiday over Christmas this year. We almost always see her and she deserves a break with her children.

My son and DIL often spend the holiday with her mother who lives alone and I wouldn't want to muscle in there. That leaves my other son who is pretty trying and touchy, we don't really much want to spend Christmas walking on egg shells with him. But that is what will happen I expect.

I agree with @Oreo about owning your feelings, and being honest about how you feel about Christmas. You’re still very early on in your bereavement, TBH. Have you had any bereavement counselling? This can really clear your mind if you’re struggling with difficult feelings.

I realise it can be be quite hard to get mental health support through the NHS, but there are organisations that support people in bereavement, eg Cruse. It may be that you’re suffering a bit of understandable depression, and this is why you’re finding the thought of Christmas difficult. You could certainly tell your GP (if your surgery is properly back in action) and see if s/he thinks you need any help.

I think you were quite right not to have a difficult conversation when you were feeling upset, but you probably do need to say something when you’re ready.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas.

I live alone and have done for many years, but have only had one Christmas alone. That was during the pandemic as my DD lived in Scotland and DS and family in Germany. My plans to travel to Glasgow were cancelled at the last minute as travel was only allowed for the one day! In the end we ate dinner on zoom, though mine went cold as I struggled with technical issues!

After my divorce, my children always spent Christmas day with me as they still lived at home at the time. My MiL still invited me to go to her with them for boxing day, but a couple of years on my MiL extended the usual invitation but later withdrew it as my ex said his new partner thought it inappropriate - despite the fact she wasn't going to be there but with her own family! I was upset initially but was immediately invited to spend boxing day with a couple of local families from my church when they heard - I had to choose which invitation to accept.

Now my family are spread around geographically with DS and his family 200 miles away and DD living in Dubai. Last year I spent 3 weeks in Dubai, then went to DS and family in January for a slightly later celebration. They had spent Christmas with DiL's family so no-one missed out.

I hope things work out for you and that one way or another you are able to spend time with both your adult children and their families even if it isn't on Christmas day itself. If you have good friends locally talk about your worries. You may get surprise invitations as I did when it happened to me.

Don't worry too much about adult children moving abroad. Both mine have lived abroad at some time and as others have said, there are opportunities for visits which could be really enjoyable. Meanwhile maybe get involvd in some new activities and make some new friends. I know lots of people who live alone too and not all have family locally. Being a good friend to someone else in that position should give you the support you need as you get used to being alone yourself.

Only time will tell 😞 sympathy diesn't last long

I agree with other posters who can’t understand why you didn’t have a conversation. How could you not even make a passing comment? Unless you actually speak your thoughts aloud, how will your children know what you’re feeling? They are your children. Are you afraid of being honest with them. One of my children has talked about living overseas for a time and my response has been along the lines of, ‘great, I look forward to visiting!’

I agree that you did the right thing.

I have a friend whose daughter went to live in Australia. Her mother made such a song and dance about it they are now estranged.

Why on earth in these times are we expected to keep our feelings to ourselves, with family who presumably care about us?! Yes, our children have their own children, but they also have parents. I see nothing wrong with showing you are concerned - it's a massive loss if family move abroad. As for Christmas, it is so often a bugbear. Having said all of this, it is SO important to have lives of our own, so that our days are full of things to do that do not involve our children. We cannot live through them, at any stage in life.

I agree with Oreo.

There’s a difference spending Christmas at your sons home and expecting to be invited to his in-laws.Its not up to them to invite guests to someone else,s home so maybe you could spend the day with your daughters family.Why not ask her and find out if it’s a possibility.Or offer to pay towards a meal out on the day

BlueBelle

No you shouldn’t have said anything so you did the right thing and you shouldn’t be openly worried or upset if either of those things happen They may not but if they do although I totally understand you would be disappointed if your daughter and family move away but it’s got to be their life and their decisions and you could have some lovely holidays to look forward to
As for Christmas I personally think there is far to much happiness or sadness hanging on the Christmas hook Make some plans in case you are left on your own and enjoy the peace if your are It’s only a couple of days after all

Great answer, BlueBelle!

Interesting that some people have jumped to conclusions as to what my feelings were!
Whilst I said in my OP how much I have appreciated the support of my family, I am not making assumptions about the future. However, it was useful to have a bit of notice about future possibilities, so I can be prepared for how to respond if they do come to pass.

polomint

I agree with oreo. Sometimes being quiet can be taken the wrong way. Nowadays the babies and toddlers are straight into nurseries. The elderly are sent into homes. I believe in the old fashioned ways of looking after kith and kin.

Agree polomint. This seems to still be the case in many other cultures but sadly not ours.

I think your silence gave them pause. I’m sorry for your loss. It’s still a tender time.

Yes, they were testing you for a reaction. But they have their own lives to be concerned about, not just you. Individually they grieve too, but have a partner.

You will have to figure out how NOT to lose them. Togetherness, holidays, events have to be parsed out - there are other people involved. Trade-offs, taking turns are fair. You may or may not chose to go to another friend’s home (or with your family) if your S or D travel, your choice - to be alone or not.

This is all a shock right now but try not to worry about things you don’t know about yet. You will deal with those circumstances when presented. What you feel today may not be how you feel tomorrow or next week/month. It will all work out.