Adult ADHD anyone?

I worked in a school with autistic children, mainly boys.
The young people I worked with were 100% autistic.

We had many parents desperate to get an ADHD/Autism diagnosis on their children so they could get some benefits.

One boys “autism” totally encouraged by mum and dad meant he couldn’t lunch in the canteen because he hated crowds, yet he was a massive football fan and went to all home games.
He didn’t like the feel of his school uniform and hated shoes so came to school in a Man U shirt, joggers and trainers with a logo.
His parents ruined him, he was eventually assessed and was not autistic!
The parents continued their crusade.

It concerns me on MN how many parents refer to their neurodiverse children, I find it hard to believe there are so many, the same with ADHD.

Its a modern fad. People have always been active or dozy types. They want labels these days

and the benefits that go with labels

Sago

I worked in a school with autistic children, mainly boys.
The young people I worked with were 100% autistic.

We had many parents desperate to get an ADHD/Autism diagnosis on their children so they could get some benefits.

One boys “autism” totally encouraged by mum and dad meant he couldn’t lunch in the canteen because he hated crowds, yet he was a massive football fan and went to all home games.
He didn’t like the feel of his school uniform and hated shoes so came to school in a Man U shirt, joggers and trainers with a logo.
His parents ruined him, he was eventually assessed and was not autistic!
The parents continued their crusade.

It concerns me on MN how many parents refer to their neurodiverse children, I find it hard to believe there are so many, the same with ADHD.

That sounds rather like Munchausen by proxy.

Yeah, that's right. I just want a label. I'm not sure why - maybe to excuse my laziness and doziness? Is that what you think? I never thought about claiming benefits, as despite being a dozy layabout I have worked since I was 16, but maybe I should reconsider 🙄

I don't want medication, but people who have more serious symptoms can benefit from drugs, and if it helps, then what's the difference between that and taking aspirin for a headache or insulin for diabetes? In any event, no self-awareness is wasted, and if all that it brings is the ability to ignore nasty comments from people with no understanding of the subject, then it's a win.

I've always been told I'm clumsy from when I was a child but if I had been diagnosed with dyspraxia it could save a lot of exasperation from others.
One DGC is very clumsy too.

Adults can and are diagnosed with this sort of problem, not sure how useful it is. My sil 46, recently privately diagnosed as autistic. It explains some of the difficulties in the relationship, otherwise not much else has changed. It’s all very sad.

Doodle

Labels? I recall feeling so angry, years ago, when Dyslexia became ‘fashionable’. Seriously? It was suggested in a newspaper article that it was just a better word for middle class parents to describe an offspring who was ‘thick’ !

Ignorant and appalling? I’d say so. But, unfortunately as soon as something like ADHD becomes written about, explained, discussed, and then various well-known people describe the problems which this has caused in their lives, cynicism can take over. ADHD? No, more like laziness, disinterest, irresponsibility, a good reason to opt out and let others do the hard work in life.

Such tripe and narrow-mindedness. When adults have ADHD, the Hyperactive part is usually missing: most adults will have long learned to mask that aspect and know that society doesn’t allow for climbing on the desk at meetings or racing around a cinema or classroom! But the lack of organisation, failure to start or complete tasks, coupled with dreadful procrastination, inability to remember the most important things, obsessive interests, recklessness, and holding down a job, talking over others’ conversations and finding life just impossible to ‘manage’ are just a few of the hurdles which can impair relationships with partners, families and friends.

I wonder if your Son would say he is often exhausted by the half dozen or more thoughts which just whirl in his head at the same time, making it so hard to focus. If he hears you, perhaps regarding the keys, he possibly isn’t receiving and processing what you say. It can all become white noise and that’s exhausting.

The best way forward would be a diagnosis, if he’s willing or even interested. As has been said, this can take a long time, will involve input from those closest to him and those who have known him and his foibles the longest. Waiting on referrals and the NHS will simply take far too long. Find a Psychiatrist or Psychologist who specialises in ADHD in your area - perhaps a look at Top Doctors (?) site for specialists. You don’t want him being treated simply for anxiety or depression and for years, as happened to a friend, it’s more complex than that. Read a lot and you’ll see how important partner and family input can be after a diagnosis…..your life and peace of mind is very important too.

And, be of good cheer! Some truly talented, brilliant people have ADHD. He just needs to find ways, with help and advice, to cope, be happy and move forward.

Autism is a spectrum so some people can be mildly affected but the more severely affected will be diagnosed at a very young age because they don’t reach the milestones eg some babies don’t point at things or unclench their fists at an early age. They may be fascinated by things that rotate and they may flap or walk on tiptoes. These youngsters can be greatly helped by early intervention as my GS was. The most severe cases are non verbal and obviously need more help. My DD has been told she is probably borderline autistic but what help would a late diagnosis be?

MissAdventure

I'm not dismissing anyone's issues, and I don't understand anything much, but really aren't these things normal?

Or perhaps there are lots of undiagnosed people? (Lots never diagnosed, apparently)

I'd always imagined that it's just human diversity, but it seems not.

I'm interested to know what alerted people that they may be neuro diverse?

There are many not diagnosed people and there is human diversity, however I always knew I was different and that my parents and the nuns focused differently on me than my sisters or the other girls in my school room.

I'm the youngest daughter, my parents and sisters babied me - because there were no more babies. I got on quite well with reminders and being told what to do until lessons became harder at around age 10 or so.

Sister (nun in charge) instinctively understood I needed help paying attention. She oversaw the nuns therefore our lessons. Sister had studied Montessori methods - to which I respond well.

My 42 Yr old daughter was diagnosed with high functioning autism a couple of years ago. It was a huge relief to her, as she now knows the reason that she is the way she is.
She is currently on the waiting list for an assessment for ADHD. When she applied she was told that the waiting list in our are was seven years for an adult diagnosis.
When she was a child I had to constantly remind her to check that she had everything in her bag for school, and I don't know how many parties and play dates that we missed because she forgot to give me the invitation.

And, be of good cheer! Some truly talented, brilliant people have ADHD. He just needs to find ways, with help and advice, to cope, be happy and move forward.
Absolutely. It's not all bad. When people are focused they can knock doors out of windows as my granny used to say . It's no different from acknowledging that you are left handed, or tone deaf - you just adjust things a bit and accept that it's not your fault (and ignore the nay-sayers😀).

I've never needed any accommodation made for me. Any inconvenience (eg having to go the long way round to get to places as I can't work out a short cut) falls on me, which is fine. I'm not looking for sympathy or special treatment, and definitely not benefits! Most people don't know unless I tell them, and nor should they. The benefit of a 'label' is that it allows people to google and learn more about why they are as they are, so they can work around it.

The medication is a stimulant. There can be stimulants in diet if one chooses to go that route - I choose diet and lots of exercise.

I put everything away where it belongs as I use it. Keys in one drawer, dog leads on a shelf, dog walking shoes in a basket, exercise clothing on a hook - then the day has started well.

I'm not a planner - however, I do bookkeeping one set day a week. I hoover daily for dog hair or we'd live in a tip. I cook throughout the day, do laundry as needed, buy groceries when needed - no strict routine.

Doodledog

Yeah, that's right. I just want a label. I'm not sure why - maybe to excuse my laziness and doziness? Is that what you think? I never thought about claiming benefits, as despite being a dozy layabout I have worked since I was 16, but maybe I should reconsider 🙄

I don't want medication, but people who have more serious symptoms can benefit from drugs, and if it helps, then what's the difference between that and taking aspirin for a headache or insulin for diabetes? In any event, no self-awareness is wasted, and if all that it brings is the ability to ignore nasty comments from people with no understanding of the subject, then it's a win.

The medication side effects are typically horrid - that's why some people avoid the medications or only use the medications when needed, say during test taking for qualifications.

However, stimulants help.

Since the diagnosis of sil I have read more around the subject and understand it can be genetic which it almost certainly is in his case, 2 of his siblings are probably autistic, but none have been tested. They are not aware of his diagnosis.
Out of interest my dh and I did a quick test online, so while unscientific, result was I dont have the trait but my dh does.

I have just being watching a snippet from a BBC programme on ADHD. It was showing scans of the brains of ADHD and how they responded differently to those without ADHD when doing a standard test.

Unfortunately when I went back to find it to post a link I couldn't, but I think I have found the programme it cam from and here is the link to that. www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b011c0nn. It is a R$ programme with Rory Bremner.

keepingquiet

Hithere I don't want to give the impression I am my son's doormat. I was taken aback by crazyH's response.
My son has led a complicated life I don't want to go into details but let's just say there are no plans for him to move out as he can't afford to. This is part of the profile that he has always struggled to function. He now works to support his daughter who lives with a very entitled mum (that's another story).
I try not to enable him, which is why I'm at the end of my tether as he's written off his car and won't be able to work. The situation is unsustainable. I'm looking for help for him and for myself.
Norah- thankyou. He may not need or want medication but a diagnosis may at least help.

As diagnosis at NHS may be a long wait, perhaps read up on ADD and ADHD. The H is hyperactivity and impulsiveness.

I lack the H trait - I'm introverted, quiet, don't interrupt, don't fidget, etc I suspect the H trait is difficult, however nobody should ever be told they are lazy, daft for losing items, etc - kindness is key.

Perhaps with useful strategies you could gently help your son.

And plenty of exercise and tea or coffee to quiet his mind.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd/symptoms/

www.adhdcentre.co.uk/understanding-the-difference-between-add-and-adhd/

Thanks, M0nica. I’m in transit just now but will check out your link this evening.

Here is a self assessment questionnaire. Six minutes to take.

www.neuropsychologydorset.co.uk/esqr-adhd

Thankyou all. I have done some reading up. I think the first thing is to discuss it with my son.
I shall try and find out how long the waiting list is in my area, and also the cost of a private diagnosis.
I just want to say he functions ok most of the time, but has inherited his father's inability to handle money. This, now he lives with me, is impacting on me and can't continue.
I am very heartened by some responses and feel a little calmer today.
We can work though it. It sounds a long road though in the current climate.
Thanks again.

I hope you can find some strategies to help, and a diagnosis, too. keepingquiet.
Good luck!

ADHD is very real and the effects can be very challenging. I find that the official diagnostic criteria don't really capture all of the difficulties and traits of people with ADHD. I have not got an official diagnosis of ADHD, but we very strongly suspect I have it. My stepdaughter brought it up to my husband because she recognized in me behaviours and traits she sees in friends of hers that have an official diagnosis. As I began to read more and to watch videos about the lived experience of people with ADHD, I recognized myself. It was actually very freeing and very healing. I had known since I was about six or seven years old that I was "different" from other children. Now that difference has a name and an explanation.

A few facts:

1. ADHD is characterized by a lack of dopamine in the brain. This is why people with ADHD seek out novelty and have difficulty with mundane tasks - it's about getting the dopamine hit.

2. ADHD is primarily a dysregulation issue. As one individual put it, most people have sort of a "dimmer" or "fade" switch for their brain functions (similar to a DJ control board or the dimmer switch on some lights where you can control the level of brightness). ADHDers don't have that. We have on/off switches - and that's it. We are either totally in or totally out. This is why we can get super into something and why we can have mood swings.

3. The official term ADHD is a bit of a misnomer because we don't always struggle with attention. If we're doing something we really enjoy, we can go into what's called "hyperfocus" mode where we become totally engrossed in our current activity. (Some days I forget to eat because I get caught up in something, for example.) Some people can experience severe rage if their hyperfocus is interrupted.

4. ADHD is highly heritable. If someone is diagnosed with ADHD, there's an 80% chance at least one of their parents has ADHD too. If someone with ADHD has a child, there's a 20% chance that the child will also have ADHD.

5. Some of the characteristics of people with ADHD that aren't necessarily included or obvious in the official criteria: poor working memory, creative thinking, good at solving puzzles, low frustration tolerance, mood swings, strong sense of justice, rejection sensitivity dysphoria (see below), and even being clumsy. They have identified that there are differences in the cerebellum (part of the brain that controls balance and coordination) in ADHDers compared to healthy controls.

6. Rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD). This is almost universal in ADHDers. We are incredibly sensitive to any kind of rejection, even if it's perceived rejection. For example, if our boss says they want a meeting, our first thought is typically "I'm going to be fired". Or if our partner says we need to talk, our first thought is "I'm being dumped". Even something as simple as telling an ADHDer you have plans but they can come if they want can result in feelings of rejection.

7. Executive function is hard for us. This includes things such as planning and organizing, even tidying up. We can look at a complete mess and be overwhelmed with no idea where to start. This is where body doubling (offering to sit with us as we begin a task) can be helpful.

8. ADHD is an explanation, not an excuse. We can learn to do better in some areas and there are lots of ways to help us, things we can implement and things others can do.

10. There are three subtypes of ADHD, inattentive, hyperactive/impulsive, and combined. Women and girls are more likely to have inattentive, which means they are more likely to be diagnosed later in life or not diagnosed at all.

I would personally recommend the book ADHD Is Awesome by Penn and Kim Holderness. Penn has ADHD and Kim is neurotypical. In the book, they describe the benefits and drawbacks of ADHD, how ADHDers can help themselves, and how neurotypical people can support a loved one with ADHD.

agnurse thank you very much for this- which is also what I have read up about. It is exhausting.
We haven't had a good day. It's almost impossible to have a conversation. Today I tried to point out when he switched from one response to another, totally opposite in a manner of seconds. When I tried to point it out his thinking became even more distorted, Usually at this point I switch off, but today I tried to engage and it was just nonsense talk.
He also mentioned earlier that he has no intention of every going to a doctor again (I hadn't even mentioned the ADHD thing! It was just a routine text every had from the surgery.)
So I give up. I've been here before and things settled down so maybe they will again.
I'm feeling very weepy though... I really have no idea what to do.

It's rough on you, keepingquiet
I hope someone can give you advice on how to look after yourself in all this.

Yes, don't lose sight of the fact that you need to think about yourself and your own well-being too, keepingquiet.