Adult ADHD anyone?

valdavi I feel for you. Have you tried getting access to medication? I understand it can help some people.
My son admitted to me last night that he's ripped up the form. There is nothing else I can do except be much firmer with my boundaries.
His behaviour, whether he can help it or not, impacts on me in a serious way and I really can't have it anymore- particularly regarding his finances.
Something has to give.

I was diagnosed with ADHD in my late 30's and can relate to your son's behavior and your frustration. I thought I was bipolar and went to my GP for help and it turns out I had ADHD instead. So yes, I would see a doctor first because it might be something else.

If it is ADHD, they will likely suggest medication. I was on Adderall for a few years and it definitely helped my productivity. I was struggling to land a job for 12 months after Covid shutdowns. Within one month of getting on Adderall, I was able to land and keep a job.

I started to struggle with some of the side effects of Adderall after a few years because I have generalized anxiety and struggle with high blood pressure.

Medication was good for me while I adjusted to the diagnosis and learned a bunch of a-ha's about myself, like why I also always lost my keys and couldn't hold down a job. Side note, it has nothing to do with laziness.

Now I meditate, exercise, eat healthy, and get regular sleep as my go-tos. I think this article might be a good resource: bananomad.com/health-and-fitness/manage-adhd-without-medication-a-complete-guide/

Now that I'm more educated on ADHD and know how to deal with it, I prefer the non-medicated route. Everyone is different though; this is just my experience.

Good luck with everything!

I'm 63 and was diagnosed in my mid thirties with ADHD. I'm a woman and quite hyperactive, which is not as common in women. I've been on Ritalin for years and it helps to some extent. Family members can often tell if I've forgotten to take my Ritalin, even though I don't notice. My mother and grandmother were retired teachers, and they noticed problems with my attention span at 18 months. I would highly recommend getting diagnosed. If it's ADHD, meds and ADHD coaching can help to some extent.

I have ADHD. A diagnosis will not change what I am. I find exercise (and long walks) help. I don't think of it as a brain problem. I think of it as a societal cultural problem. My person was not designed to live in a city with all of it's traffic, clocks, people, distractions, computers. Back to nature, I am fine. I'm just in the wrong place at the wrong time. You don't hear of ADHD children in the tea fields of the Himalayan foothills, do you?

My son couldn't manage his money, time, was always losing his keys, phone etc and an MRI revealed a massive brain tumor.

You don't hear of ADHD children in the tea fields of the Himalayan foothills, do you

But not because all these problems do not exist there, just that they do not have the education and medical facilities to diagnose it either. There are a whole range of serious mental health issues that are not diagnosed in communities like this. It doesn't mean they do not exist.

When I was a child neuro diversity did not exist and children were not diagnosed with it. It did not mean we did not have it. We were just seen as 'odd', 'difficult', 'different for the sake of being different'. All epithets used to describe me as a child.

It was only a generation later when we sought help for our son, initially for his dyspraxia, which I also have, that the possiblity that we had ADHD was raised and neurodiversity was recognised, in a few circles.

I have spent much of my life in rural areas. Unfortunately, however much I love the greeness and calm of rural rides. It has no effect on my neural diversity and town or country. I have the same problem.

Neural diversity is NOT a societal, cultural problem. Medical research is showing quite clearly that the brains of people with neurodiverse problems show differences to normal brains and that genetic markers show how it is passed down through families.

Only last night, it occured to me that I may have adhd. All through school I was slow at learning. There was no help at all and no-one has recognized that there has been a problem since, not even me apart from wondering why I couldn't focus. My life is such a disorganized mess and I hate it. But, when I had a husband and 3 kids AND worked long hours, (husband was a lazy *), I managed it well with aching feet (aching everything). I was organized. So yes I would like to know one way or another what has been causing my chaos.

karmalady

Its a modern fad. People have always been active or dozy types. They want labels these days

You have obviously never seen a very distressed child with a neurodiverse condition.
It’s heartbreaking 😥

I have sent you a PM.

Hi @keepingquiet,

It’s great that you’re open to exploring this—it can be a lot to take in, but understanding what might be going on for your son could make a huge difference for both of you.

ADHD absolutely continues into adulthood, and often it’s missed in childhood, especially if someone isn’t hyperactive. The struggles you’re describing—like disorganisation, forgetfulness, and trouble with money—are classic signs of ADHD, particularly the inattentive type. It’s not just laziness or carelessness; it’s a neurological condition that affects executive functioning, which is the part of the brain that helps with planning, focus, and self-regulation.

To answer your questions:

1. Has he had ADHD since childhood?
Yes, ADHD is present from childhood, but it might not have been obvious back then. Many adults don’t realise they’ve been living with ADHD until much later when the challenges pile up, or a family member, like your daughter, points it out.

2. Is it worth getting a diagnosis?
Absolutely! A diagnosis could provide clarity and open up options for support. It’s not just about medication (though that can help); it’s also about understanding why he struggles with certain things and finding strategies to manage them. It could help him develop coping mechanisms, and for you, it might help set boundaries and ease some of the frustration.

3. How to broach the subject?
You know your son best, but a calm, non-judgmental conversation might work well. You could say something like, “I’ve been thinking about what [daughter’s name] mentioned, and I’ve noticed some things that might be worth exploring. Have you ever thought that ADHD might be part of what makes things so challenging?” Framing it as a way to understand and support him could make him more open to the idea.

4. Where to start?
The first step is seeing his GP. They can refer him for an assessment, though waiting times on the NHS can be long. If the situation feels urgent, private assessments are faster but can cost around £1,000. Services like Attention to Health offer online ADHD assessments for adults, which can be more convenient and discreet.

It’s clear you care deeply about your son and want to help, but it’s also important to set boundaries so you’re not taking on everything for him. ADHD or not, he’ll benefit from learning to manage his challenges independently with the right support.

You’re doing the right thing by seeking help, and I hope you both find the answers and tools to make things easier. Feel free to reach out if you’d like to talk more about it!

Claire

I read through this thread tonight cos our TV signal has disappeared due to our satellite dish being "nudged" out of range as a result of scaffolding for our roof repairs and wow, I believe it has told me a great deal about my DH and his odd behaviour - most of which I now recognise as being present when I married him 52 years ago. No, he isn't hyperactive but fits most of the other symptoms pretty much. I'm afraid I've long accused him of laziness and yet I've always wondered if I was being unfair cos he is always BUSY without actually finishing anything. He switches from one task to another, then another, and another. He is also not lazy in that he's always willing to do tasks, they just don't get done. His favourite response when I say "Have you finished A?" is "I've made a start but......." and my heart sinks. Since we had separate bedrooms some 30 years ago his is a total mess. Every now and again I spend time clearing it up and imagine he will be pleased and keep it that way, but within a couple of days it is back to how it was. Same with the garage, the garden shed, the car boot etc. etc. And the open cupboard doors have always driven me mad. And the losing of keys, watch, wallet etc.

Our SIL was diagnosed with ADHD only fairly recently and I recognised the similarities with DH straight away, with some differences, but DH would not accept my thoughts, saying I was being neurotic/unreasonable/wanting to blame him for this and that. After reading some of this thread to him he has at last agreed that at lot of things have chimed with him.

But is there any point in a diagnosis at age 78? His physical health is causing enough problems as it is. I do think though that some method of reminding him to do things would help him - and perhaps more importantly help ME to not have to spend my life sorting out the things he does not do.

He particularly recognised the comments about appointments later in the day - meaning nothing else gets done beforehand and the entire day disappears for the sake of ten minutes with the GP in the afternoon.

Maybe there is some hope for us even at this late time of life?

Madmeg I am over 80 - and would love a formal diagnosis, but it is expensive and the waiting lists are long, so I am not bothering. But you do not need, a diagnosis. Google the subject, read responsible sheets from reputable medical sources about the problem, consider how your DH matches these descriptions. If the cap fits, then try and work with it.

I found just knowing and understanding the cause of my problems made life easier. I stopped driving myself to do things that just were not possible and found ways of recognising other problems and developing strategies for them.

two examples: 1) I will not use one of those self-scanning machines in a supermaket, because I know that, no matter how hard I try, I will forget to zap a number of items, no matter how hard I try. So I do not try to do what I know I cannot do.
2) Like many with ADHD, if nervous, and at other times, I talk non-stop, a constant stream of words. Now I know I do this, I have become quite good at recognising the situations where I do this and that I am doing it, so I immedately slow my speech and stop talking.

When my DC were young I joined a joined a group that helped children with a problem our DS had, but was not diagnosed. When we joined the group, I emntioned the lack of a diagnosis and the group leader said, come to the group, if it helps, keep coming, if it doesn't, just drift away. I would say the same to you madmeg. If working on the assumption that your DH has ADHD works in sorting out coping strategies works do it. If it doesn't just forget all about it.

Thank you MOnica for some sensible advice. This morning, sadly, DH states that he isn't interested in my amateur diagnosis of his ailment cos he hasn't got any ailments. It does not bother him one jot that he loses things or forgets things, and nor is he slow at things for any other reason that he has loads to do and it is me who doesn't appreciate that. Basically he says I should stop hunting for causes of his problems when it is me with the problems. I take this to mean that he doesn't care about keeping me waiting while he hunts for his keys or whatever, or all the other worries and inconvenience that he causes.

I now think back and realise he has spent his life being late for things. Fortunately for him, for most of his working life he had no fixed arrival time otherwise he would have been late. When pregnant with our first child I was hospitalised for three weeks. Back then there was just one visiting time - 7 p.m. - and he was late/very late EVERY SINGLE TIME. I saw the other dads-to-be waiting outside the ward door but no sign of my dad-to-be. Others came bearing flowers, chocolates, a newspaper or a book while mine was empty-handed "Because I didn't have time". I spent those three weeks dreading visiting time because of the disappointment. But he also has the worlds worst memory because he how denies it ever happened.

So today we are back to square one.

Madmeg you have my sympathy, because I recognise some of those problems in me!