My partner can't stand my daughter

Well it has been said now, your partner doesn't seem to like your daughter, I think the repeated digs about her parenting may have been a clue. As for not being able to stand her I think that was said in the heat of the moment during an argument, so I don't think it goes as deep as that, but I think you have to take on board that your partner does dislike your daughter.
Instead of trying to change this you will either have to accept it or cause a rift with your partner. If it was me I would come to an uneasy accommodation of it, continuing to visit my daughter and GC alone and keeping visits to yourself and your partner to the 3 times a year. Am sure that during these visits your partner can be perfectly civil and help you look after your daughter and GC. When you marry someone that person isn't marrying your family, she is marrying you, and if your relationship is strong in every other way would go with it but do occasionally discuss the fact that you wish she could get along better with your daughter because she also has to realise that a marriage is all about compromise.
I wish you well with this. x

If your wife gets on alright with your sons (and their partners if they have them), I think that tells you something about both her and your daughter. I presume you get along with your wife's children too. I wish you all well.

Maybe the way I’m reading it but your daughter does come across as being the most important person out of all your family, more so than your sons even? Maybe your partner got fed up and just lashed out.
Also I have my own children and step children/ grandchildren and I am very lucky, worked hard to achieve it though, in that we all get on great, the step children even meet up independently on occasions so no jealousy involved as they are all treated equally. But apart from the grandchildren saying “Love you Nanny/Grandad” we don’t tell each others children we love them all the time, there’s no need, there’s respect.

I am both a step daughter and a step mother - both can be difficult situations at times, for all concerned, but I think that "Acceptance" is the way forward .
Like, dislike, love, hate, jealousy etc cannot be allowed to dominate if you love the person who is piggy in the middle (in my case, my father and my husband).
In fact, having had a wobbly start I realised that my dad had actually made an excellent choice and I could see why he loved my stepmother so, despite expressing hatred for her when I first found out my dad was leaving my mum for her. I was angry and embarrassed and all sorts of other feelings, but my amazing stepmother weathered it all and stayed true to herself and with acceptance and respect she became like a 2nd mother to me and I love her to bits.
My step children are still a work in progress however but that's another story.

The divorce rate for second marriages is 70%. Reading here on Grandsnet I am always reading about some grudge step-parents are having towards their partner’s children. It should be a warning to anyone contemplating a second/third marriage. The signs were always there. This situation is not going to get better. In the end you may have to choose which side is more important to you. I hope you choose the children you helped bring into this world.

Your partner is being totally selfish and unreasonable, how would she feel if you told her you hated her kids,,perhaps she should think about that and stop being selfish and nasty

I’m sorry but if she doesn’t like your daughter, it will always be a bone of contention between you, I know I couldn’t live like that.

I agree. To continue causes resentment and constantly trying to change things. You won’t even want to share what’s new or going on with your daughter’s family. I treated my fiancé’s daughters and children the way I wanted my son to be treated, naturally, not forced, and it didn’t matter. I finally left him after 23 years together.We started out together with his two daughters at 11 and 15, my son was 16. Lots of good and bad times but it had to end.

Not being able to "stand" someone is not the same as hating them. When I read that the daughter in question raises her kids "by the book" I thought that might cause tensions in an extended family. People who are sticklers for rules always tend to be difficult to get along with.

Marriages can still work even with "bones of contention".

I hope the OP finds a way through. I don't see why her partner and daughter need to meet each other much.

We do not know that the wife in this story has not been civil to the blessed daughter for 13 years, nor that she won't carry on being so.

Life is never black and white (simple).

Did your partner did this on purpose? So booked/agreed to an evening with friends well knowing that you had other plans or at least other preferences? And she did it behand your back? That's weird and a big red flag, even if you've known eachother 13 years. I think you should consider counseling or therapy or such. I don't know you of course, but for me my children are and will always be my priority.

Does your partner have children? Sounds like she is the jealous one. I guess that is not really the issue. What matters is how you go forward. If it was me I would try to keep them apart as much as possible and enjoy them both separately. I would tell partner the rules for when you are all together. Polite, kind, caring and absolutely no criticism of their way of life and child raising methods.

Hi I was the 'step-daughter' my mums new partner was jealous as hell over mine and her relationship and my mum always took his side even though he was the one with the issues not me! Years later he left her while she was at work and they divorced and now she hates him. We didn't speak for a couple of years after me telling her how much she'd upset me when I was a teen choosing her new partner over her own daughter. She didn't take that well. We speak and see each other now but our relationship will never be the same. I have tried to forgive her but I can't fully as I have children myself now and would never let any man treat them the way my mum let her partner treat me. I find when people remarry the partner they choose sometimes doesn't fit into the family as obviously they were brought up differently and maybe don't share the same views, semse of humour etc so it is a struggle for them. You're lucky as you don't live near. I would speak properly with your partner, ask why they don't like your daughter (with an open mind) point out how much of an effort you've made with their kids, and maybe ask if they can put their feelings aside for maybe the once ir twice a year that you both see your daughter normally? I think as you live abroad and its you who normally goes over on your own anyway that you can get over this. It w.ould ne different if you all lived near and your daughter was over a lot etc.

Nannynoodles

Maybe the way I’m reading it but your daughter does come across as being the most important person out of all your family, more so than your sons even? Maybe your partner got fed up and just lashed out.
Also I have my own children and step children/ grandchildren and I am very lucky, worked hard to achieve it though, in that we all get on great, the step children even meet up independently on occasions so no jealousy involved as they are all treated equally. But apart from the grandchildren saying “Love you Nanny/Grandad” we don’t tell each others children we love them all the time, there’s no need, there’s respect.

No not all - my kids are all very close to me. My two sons are busy boys and don't message etc as much as my daughter but i think thats pretty normal. My wife has a daughter 21 and she has totally the same relationship I do with her daughter (even tho when we met she said she would never want a daughter as a friend). I have found her daughter very tricky at times but with time patience and a willing and desire to make it nice especially for my wife I have come to genuinely love her.

Baggs

If your wife gets on alright with your sons (and their partners if they have them), I think that tells you something about both her and your daughter. I presume you get along with your wife's children too. I wish you all well.

Not sure what you mean - is it my daughters fault? No not at all she's a really lovely girl and has made such an effort to include my wife in her family. No I havent always found it easy but i have tried really hard and really thought we were all in a good place hence the shock and upset this happened 6 weeks after the wedding. All 5 kids got up and did the most amazing speeches funny loving etc and i was so happy and proud of our family but this has thrown me and makes it all seem hollow.

Jannipans

I am both a step daughter and a step mother - both can be difficult situations at times, for all concerned, but I think that "Acceptance" is the way forward .
Like, dislike, love, hate, jealousy etc cannot be allowed to dominate if you love the person who is piggy in the middle (in my case, my father and my husband).
In fact, having had a wobbly start I realised that my dad had actually made an excellent choice and I could see why he loved my stepmother so, despite expressing hatred for her when I first found out my dad was leaving my mum for her. I was angry and embarrassed and all sorts of other feelings, but my amazing stepmother weathered it all and stayed true to herself and with acceptance and respect she became like a 2nd mother to me and I love her to bits.
My step children are still a work in progress however but that's another story.

You sound wonderful - well done you

Baggs

Not being able to "stand" someone is not the same as hating them. When I read that the daughter in question raises her kids "by the book" I thought that might cause tensions in an extended family. People who are sticklers for rules always tend to be difficult to get along with.

Marriages can still work even with "bones of contention".

I hope the OP finds a way through. I don't see why her partner and daughter need to meet each other much.

Thank you but this is unfair to presume my daughter is like that. Shes a great person but has chosen to raise her daughters in what sounds like to be the modern way but prob not like we did. I respect this but my partner finds it annoying - as ive said wait till her daughter has a baby then she can tell her what shes doing wrong but I would never do that to any mother let alone my daughter. They dont need to see one another but I feel like now i wont even want to share good/bad news etc or be excited for GC xmas and so on so on. It will cause a huge rift and Im not sure how I would cope with the resentment this would cause whilst at the same time playing happy families with her children.

TinyTina1

Hi I was the 'step-daughter' my mums new partner was jealous as hell over mine and her relationship and my mum always took his side even though he was the one with the issues not me! Years later he left her while she was at work and they divorced and now she hates him. We didn't speak for a couple of years after me telling her how much she'd upset me when I was a teen choosing her new partner over her own daughter. She didn't take that well. We speak and see each other now but our relationship will never be the same. I have tried to forgive her but I can't fully as I have children myself now and would never let any man treat them the way my mum let her partner treat me. I find when people remarry the partner they choose sometimes doesn't fit into the family as obviously they were brought up differently and maybe don't share the same views, semse of humour etc so it is a struggle for them. You're lucky as you don't live near. I would speak properly with your partner, ask why they don't like your daughter (with an open mind) point out how much of an effort you've made with their kids, and maybe ask if they can put their feelings aside for maybe the once ir twice a year that you both see your daughter normally? I think as you live abroad and its you who normally goes over on your own anyway that you can get over this. It w.ould ne different if you all lived near and your daughter was over a lot etc.

It can be really tricky cant it and i feel sad you experienced this. I'm a fierce protective mother with all my kids and thats why its really knocked me. Hope you and your mum can mend the hurt.

Cambsnan

Does your partner have children? Sounds like she is the jealous one. I guess that is not really the issue. What matters is how you go forward. If it was me I would try to keep them apart as much as possible and enjoy them both separately. I would tell partner the rules for when you are all together. Polite, kind, caring and absolutely no criticism of their way of life and child raising methods.

Yes she does and has lots of difficulties with her own daughter. I sometimes think this is the problem jealousy of our relationship. Thank you

JLR1220

I agree. To continue causes resentment and constantly trying to change things. You won’t even want to share what’s new or going on with your daughter’s family. I treated my fiancé’s daughters and children the way I wanted my son to be treated, naturally, not forced, and it didn’t matter. I finally left him after 23 years together.We started out together with his two daughters at 11 and 15, my son was 16. Lots of good and bad times but it had to end.

Its so disappointing and unnecessary! feel so sad

FGMA

Baggs

Not being able to "stand" someone is not the same as hating them. When I read that the daughter in question raises her kids "by the book" I thought that might cause tensions in an extended family. People who are sticklers for rules always tend to be difficult to get along with.

Marriages can still work even with "bones of contention".

I hope the OP finds a way through. I don't see why her partner and daughter need to meet each other much.

Thank you but this is unfair to presume my daughter is like that. Shes a great person but has chosen to raise her daughters in what sounds like to be the modern way but prob not like we did. I respect this but my partner finds it annoying - as ive said wait till her daughter has a baby then she can tell her what shes doing wrong but I would never do that to any mother let alone my daughter. They dont need to see one another but I feel like now i wont even want to share good/bad news etc or be excited for GC xmas and so on so on. It will cause a huge rift and Im not sure how I would cope with the resentment this would cause whilst at the same time playing happy families with her children.

My comment about how your daughter brings up her children was not a criticism; it was an acceptance that "by the book" approaches to anything can cause friction, which, together with your daughter's early jealousy of your current partner, looks to be what has happened. One can acknowledge this without actually "criticising" either party. From what you've said about both it seems they have both been (and are) good parents.

It is sad that initially your partner "got up your daughter's nose" (if you'll forgive the expression) and that now that is apparently happening the other way around.

I really don't see why your partner and daughter need to be together very much. Why is this an issue for you? I don't think I would have a problem relating separately to each of them in similar circumstances. In fact, I have done and am doing even when there has never been any jealousy or irritation between the parties involved, only total acceptance – including, and perhaps this helps, total acceptance that they are not actually related to each other.

If I may put it more bluntly, why impose your daughter on your partner and why impose your partner on your daughter? Surely you can manage without doing that?

I wish you all the best.

To be fair, my daughter and grandkids visiting the house my husband and I share has never been a problem.

At all. I guess that's the difference.

FGMA, just an observation, and certainly no criticism, but you seem as if this is an issue you simply can't get around.
You seem unwilling to move just a fraction towards resolving things, so it may be, that for you, a line has been crossed.

They don’t need to love each other. They need to be polite and kind. Set some rules. Love them both separately and accept no criticism from either of the other!

I don't actually understand. You said your partner arranged to go out - what does that have to do with whether you can spend the evening with your daughter? It's ok for them not to get on, it's not like you all have to live together. At least everyone is being polite to each other. I think this is a non-problem.