My partner can't stand my daughter

It seems that this unwise response, made during a possible slightly heated conversation, might be as much about your wife’s frustration with your DD’s parenting style, as her as a person. It feels like an expression of frustration rather than dislike (or worse). And because they don’t spend much time together, there is less time to get used to each other’s behaviour. I understand that you feel protective of your daughter, but this feels like a bit of an over reaction if I am honest. You have not previously had concerns about your wife’s behaviour towards her and I am not sure that you really have grounds to be concerned now. Unless you really are considering walking away from your marriage, you need to talk calmly to your wife about what that means for you all being able to spend time together comfortably in future, and how you can lessen the deep irritation she has towards DD that you were previously unaware of.

Your daughter has come around but clearly her behaviour at the beginning hurt your partner and it still hurts she is entitled to her feelings and you need to accept that Your daughter has made the grand public gesture so you are gaslighting your wife's feelings DONT

David49

I recently remarried my first priority was that my new wife would get on with my 3 daughters, if not there would have been no marriage.

You tried to do too much the wedding week and caused more stress, but that is no excuse for your wife/husband to say that about your daughter. It’s not unusual for people to change after they are married and take advantage of the other, unless you kiss and make up quickly it’s going to be a very short marriage.

Not sure how long you’ve been in your new relationship. In my experience, there are new and different challenges over time as AC move in and out of relationships, in and out of jobs, have their own children etc etc. I would say that we have broadly ‘got on’ with each other’s children over the past 20 years but it’s definitely had some ups and downs. It’s par for the course in blended families and negotiating acceptable ways forward has definitely not always been easy. It is often not the big things, rather an accumulation of smaller things that can build up into problems.

Thank you - I hear what you are saying. There has been other things along the way and guess my hurt is that I have also found being a step parent to her daughter who lived with us full time but I never would have ever said anything like this to her as I know how protective she is. She knows my daughter is very inoortznt to me and it just feels like now we are married she feels free to say this. She has in the passée even before my daughter had children called her out to me for things. Such as when it was my 50th sue resented that my daughter had a book made by all my family and friends and had written more words than my wife had. Things like this have happened and given as inkabr said she only has to spend at most 2 weeks with her it really hurts me

Thank you for your insight - my daughter has been totally fine and happy for us for ages now - it’s was literally just the first orob 2 years and she never really did anything she just obv found it hard and personally I love and respect her all the more for coping with those feelings. She could have been really difficult but she really wasn’t. But yes I ´maybe have to call down and have a proper discussion

Yes, you should try and sort it out, if you can.

You can't bear a grudge if you want things to be harmonious.
Good luck.

My gut feeling when first reading this is your partner has built up a resentment of your daughter from the time your daughter was more or less resenting her… in the earlier days, and never really got the chance to address it… as you know there is never a good time at the time, and when times are good… you don’t want to be the one raising issues that will make it a “bad time”… as you rarely come out of it smelling of roses! Perhaps the situation was your daughter was less focused on your life and partner once she had her own, and the fact that you only see each other 3 times a year means that a) it was bearable for your partner to put up with, BUT b) maybe your partner never really got or felt like she could address the anguish it caused her when she wasn’t in your daughters favour. It seems to me she has held her tongue, but now married feels she can be more secure and open with her feelings, which would be fine… had we not been talking about a child’s behaviour growing up and their mums attention being taken away.
I don’t know you but I feel you may have the same qualities as me “people pleaser” but I also know it hurts more when it’s your child. I couldn’t move on from this with a sorry, as there will be future celebrations etc that you may want family involved, and this now leaves you insecure as a family unit. I think perhaps a heart to heart explaining that you know it wasn’t easy for her, but that she was scared and so reacted the way she did, and ask her for your sake to try and move on from that and try and find forgiveness for everyone’s happiness. Good luck ☺️

Thank you so much - these are very wise words

frankly, i'm surprised you married her.
how could she resent that your daughter wrote more in a celebratory book for you than she did.
sounds childish, petty, mean and possessive.
if you really love someone, you rejoice in the accolades of others for that person.

I may be wrong, but I read your post to mean that your partner is happy that you go and visit your daughter everyy month even although you are in two different countries, and herself visits your daughter and her family three times a year.

I honestly wonder how much more you could possibly want?

Your daughter and partner have a past history of not really caring for each other, they have very different views on life so to me this sounds the ideal arrangement.

I frankly do not think I would have been prepared to see my DH go off to visit his family once a month - year in and year out. nor could we really have afforded it if it had ever been on the cards

You chose to marry even although you knew your daughter might not be thrilled by the though and she was big enough to make a very kind speech at your wedding, so sit back and be thankful for what you have instead of wanting more.

Perhaps you should start considering your partner a little more and your adult children a little less.

Well given that fact I lived with her two children all year for 10 years and go with the flow and never say a bad word even tho her daughter has literally just failed her 3 uni year costing 10k away yes I do expect more. I would never add to her upset about this and say hurtful things. If you are under the impression my daughter has been horrible she really hasn’t maybe just a few sulks and not really sure what else 13 years ago. But since she has really worked at building a relationship and included my partner in everything so to throw this in the works 6 weeks after we married to me is totally out of order. To stand up and say sorry for perfectly légitime emotions most young adults would feel and then tell funny stories and wish us all the best and say how much she loves us - for her to act like this is not acceptable. When she met me I worked back in the Uk I have always traveled so this is nothing new and she has no problem with this so it’s not an issue. Her daughter now lives abroad and no doubt she will be wanting to visit especially once she has children. But thank you for your reply.

I agree with you.

There seems little point in being a couple if something like seeing your own child has to be a solo event all the time.

Adults should be able to tolerate their partners children for a short while, and I don't believe it's asking too much.

Like Nannynoodles I think this was a "lashing out" - weddings are very stressful and it strikes me that your daughter and son in law are not very flexible as parents.

I think I would have been happy to have them stay elsewhere and enjoy them when not tired and cranky after all the busy busy days.

Your wife has apologised. Try to set it aside. I feel you are lucky to see a lot of your daughter and don't really undunderstand why they needed to move from the hotel to your home for a single night.

I'm not sure why this is relevant - neither the failing nor the money.

and never say a bad word even tho her daughter has literally just failed her 3 uni year costing 10k

It's relevant in that the wife's daughter is far from perfect, and yet she criticised FGMA's daughter.

There are very few people whose offspring are so wonderful that they're qualified to comment on other peoples.

Your partner is insensitive. She ought to be more reasonable and sensible and loving and stop behaving like a spoilt child. The problem also is that it will continue to raise its ugly head. In the end it will spoil your relationship any way. In this case an ultimatum is required.

In the past I felt unable to remain with a man who did not really seem to like or be interested in my children. Saying you really dislike someone else’s child, however old, is very hurtful. Big things often lead to break ups eventually if not addressed.

I would try couples counselling and if it doesn’t work I agree, shut the door on the relationship. I also wonder if there is a same sex resentment going on here?

I suppose MissAdventure it seemd irrelevant to me as the stepdaughter's personal debt and failing a course is not something to be "saying bad words about".

You can be a nice/easy/decent person and still fail and be in debt.
That's all.

Oh yes, I get what you mean.
But what parent will just accept criticism of their own "little darlings" without bristling a bit?

Whatever those failing are, and they will have some, because that's part of being human.

Think your new wife was right to express her feelings, or she would be the one left with unspoken resentment.
Sadly you can't make two adults like each other.
If your daughter had been a child still living at home I think it would be different, as the child would have to come first. but as two adults living in different countries I feel your best bet is to carry on seeing them on your own.
Speak to your new wife,speak about the differences and work out a new way forward. These differences between the two people you love are not new, you knew about them before you got married.
Maybe time to classify them into two different categories of your life and enjoy both sides separately?

To stand up and say sorry for perfectly légitime emotions most young adults would feel and then tell funny stories and wish us all the best and say how much she loves us

I would understand this pushing someone over the edge. That early jealousy and the current gooiness by contrast: eugh!

As for it being a big deal, as some have hinted, to visit your daughter on your own. That doesn't need to be a problem unless it is made into one. Has "the wife" ever made a fudd about your regular visits to D and grandkids? If not, there's nothing to complain about there.

The more I read on this thread the more I wonder why you got married. It's almost as of you didn't know each other properly even after thirteen years. Weird.

never say a bad word even tho her daughter has literally just failed her 3 uni year costing 10k

Of course an adult would never say a bad word about such a thing! Why would you? Unless you were paying it's none of your business and even then you might be kind and understanding about it.

Literally failed a course. Oh, god! the shame!

Some people need to grow up.

By the same token, why would an adult need to comment on someone else's child rearing methods?
None of their business, too.

MissAdventure

By the same token, why would an adult need to comment on someone else's child rearing methods?
None of their business, too.

Good point.

Equally, why did D need to let her mum (let alone anyone else!) know she was jealous of her mum's new partner?