Ive been with my partner for 10 years I’m 60 he’s 66. We met soon after my divorce. I met him before I moved into my property, he’s a handyman/builder, he came to do some work. We’ve been together since. We’re different in many ways, the sex was good, which was a pleasant surprise as my marriage had been largely sexless. We laughed a lot, enjoyed many similar things and he was supportive. Looking back I can see things unravel. He came to our relationship with nothing, he’d lost his house due to the recession, he owed a lot in tax, which I negotiated him out of having to pay, he’s lazy, bad tempered, disorganised and dreadful with money. It’s my house, he lives here rent free but pays for groceries, winter fuel and does DIY. However nothing is done with grace. I won’t marry him and his name is on no household bills etc… as I’m very good with money and I’m not losing it ! I discovered entirely by accident in the space of 24 hrs back in the spring that he was in debt and had been cruising dating websites!! I went apesh*t. We’ve not shared a bed since. He swears he’s stopped on the websites and never met anyone from one, I asked him to have std test..clear. He’s working on his debts. Although he does DIY, he takes forever, 13 months from start to finish bathroom. Kitchen, just ‘tarting up’ 10 months and counting. Somehow he’s turned the garden into a tip, tools etc.. everywhere…. To the extent that 10 days I fell over a sack barrow and now have a triple fracture of my ankle.
I don’t think he’s worth holding onto. I have a constant simmering frustration. I hate the mess, the grumpiness etc
My dilemma, my kids know all this but quite like him but they’re very evenhanded, he’s a grandfather figure to my grandchildren, they’d miss him.
We both are self employed, he still works because, surprise, he doesn’t have a full pension due to not paying enough NI, I’m currently a bit out of action. His care for me whilst I can’t do much is a bit iffy and I hate having to ask for stuff or remind him.
My current situation has focussed my mind. I bought this property just for me, it’s still suitable but I plan to move into a busier more accessible community into next 5 years.
I’m very capable, I brought up my kids on my own from age 23, managed everything and did a degree as well as worked. I remarried at 37. I think I’m just rubbish in a couple.
I enjoy my own company, I have family, friends and two whippets and I’m sure I could find a ‘companion’ if I felt I needed one. I don’t want to live with him ( or anyone) but he has nowhere to go, I know he’s entitled to help with housing etc… but it takes time. I’m not sure if I love him, I do know he pisses me off. So ladies, what to do?
Life is good for him, not so much for you.
Get rid, you are still young and could have a very enjoyable future.
Thank goodness you didn't marry him.
Kick him out.
By the way wibbleswock, don't blame yourself for being "rubbish in a couple" .... it depends on who you're coupled with!
I think men need women more than the other way round. Many women feel a sense of relief when they are living alone, and free to do as they please.
You know what is right for you!
Yes. However - ducks in a row, call a solicitor first.
I hope you have copies of the dating websites info ... that shows a plan on his part to cheat on you. And as others have said, he will have some entitlement due to the 10 years together - unless you draw up an agreement that he has no entitlement - (Cohabitation or Living Together agreement). See a solicitor, get the details for Citizens Advice, etc.
Please don't feel you have to keep this man in your life for the sake of grandchildren and hurt feelings. Your life and your life enjoyment is worth so much more. Think of the trips you can take (so many Solo holiday companies)! I've recently joined a local WI and finding enjoyment from the company of other women - lunch clubs, supper clubs, days out, etc. Meet Up groups.
Don't keep him because it's less aggravation than being rid - in the long term I bet you'll find peace. Lazy and bad tempered - have him gone!!!
He's become a freeloader.. and in many ways it isn't surprising given his inability to manage his own money, assets and work.. His self esteem is probably rock bottom.. I would. if you are able to., try to help him find a flat somewhere and make sure he takes all his tools and possessions in one go.. don't give him any excuse to come back..
You might have to see a solicitor if he can prove that he has contributed to the running and maintenance of your home.. and don't be surprised if he suddenly reverts to being the nice, helpful fun guy you first knew.. be very firm and boundaried... life will get better once you make the break..
As Grunty says I think you should see a solicitor asa possible with all your papers.
He will be made homeless and there is protection for him at your expense.
Thanks for your response. As he’s receiving a pension and has no assets he is entitled to housing benefit and as a pension will get a level of priority. Part of my work involves benefits and on top of housing he’s get get council tax paid and possibly pension credit, he’d be fine. He has no entitlement to anything of mine, or a settlement, as his name is on nothing and he can not evidence he has undertaken work at property.
Time to close the door and change the locks Wibbleswock. I couldn’t stay with anyone who has been looking at other women on the internet, and who knows what else he’s been up to. He’d be out on his ear, belongings and all, straightaway. You’re worth so much more than that.
I hope you come to a decision soon. Why prolong the inevitable.
Do come back and let us know how things work out. 💐
Hi there
I think you are amazing to have put up with him until now!
No way in a million years would I stay with him. He won't change, in fact he will probably get worst. You deserve peace and happiness. Your Grandchildren will soon get used to not seeing him and as they get older they will go off and do their own things.
Make sure your own Children are not encouraging you to stay with him as it may make their lives easier ie. guilt of you being lonely etc.
You sound like a very independent strong lady and definitely do not need someone like that in your life. Good luck whatever you do.
Yes I totally agree! He may have some rights if he can prove contribution to house.
I’m not sure if I love him, I do know he pisses me off. So ladies, what to do?
It is pretty obvious you do not love him. He was useful for sex, companionship and DIY; you invited him in. Now all three are unsatisfactory so time to part.
If this were a woman being discarded after 10 years of sex, companionship and housework with no claim on her partner's money I think the response, although probably not the outcome, would be rather different.
He might only be entitled to be housed by the council if he is homeless, please check: Ditto check with a solicitor as to any rights he has on the house, please. From experience.
wibbleswock
Thanks for your response. As he’s receiving a pension and has no assets he is entitled to housing benefit and as a pension will get a level of priority. Part of my work involves benefits and on top of housing he’s get get council tax paid and possibly pension credit, he’d be fine. He has no entitlement to anything of mine, or a settlement, as his name is on nothing and he can not evidence he has undertaken work at property.
You are correct, I worked with benefits at one time and going on the information you have provided he will have no claim. He pays for groceries he eats too, he gave you wfa he benefits from the utility.
Doing a bit of DIY would not entitle him to anything from the house, that us in your name. Get rid, life is too short to stay with this misery.
Oh .. so glad to read your post, not for your dilemma, I wish you well in coming to a decision but because I could have written this .. I took the leap and regained my “space” and all that goes with it .. was I scared? Yes .. was it the best decision? YES…
Like you (I think) in my mind I already knew what I needed
Good luck
Do you need to ask? I would be surprised when you tell him to go he doesn't try to get a share of the house etc. its hardly as if he js solvent or has anywhere to go.
Get rid.
I'm 75 now. Different circumstances, but I wish I got divorced at 65. Before that I wish I got divorced at 55. It always seemed too late and I stayed with him.
So to sum up
He went on a dating website clearly to meet some other woman.
He has debt
He reluctantly does jobs for you
He doesn't share the full cost of running the house
PUT YOURSELF FIRST
GET RID ASAP
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