Feeling very left out and sad

Try getting to know the Mums. I often meet up with my daughter’s mother in law. I know she nurtured our friendship as she had already lost one set of grandchildren through divorce followed by immigration. That said I still enjoy mother daughter days!

It's so much harder to be the mother of the husband than the wife. Girls still hold their relationship with their mothers very closely, while boys will separate and go the way their wives go. I have two boys, and I absolutely get it. My DIL and I have an eggshell relationship. Luckily, I'm the only grandparent left who pays attention to the kids, but I also get sad and jealous when my DIL does things with her mom or family and I get left out. They'll go to Thanksgiving or Christmas over to her mother's family's house, while I'm home alone. That hurts, but I don't think my son has any say.
I just wanted to post to say that I absolutely understand how you feel. I get the jealousy and feeling slighted. I think it's normal for us moms of boys.

I would just ignore it. If it happens again and again, and it's very obvious you're not being included, I would have a heart to heart with them. Maybe they would allow you to have the children in your home so you could spend time with them. I'm sure dil's would appreciate some time to themselves.

I always wonder what relationships were like before grandchildren? If you have always shared social occasions/ holidays with your sons and daughter in laws, why would that change once grandchildren come along??
I agree, making a special event for your grandchildren that doesn’t include any parents is a brilliant idea.

Thankyou all again. I haven’t heard anything from them. The girls always post photos of whatever they do. Nothing yesterday or today. Oh well, I hope they’re having a nice time. My daughter took me to TKMAXX. I didn’t mention any of this to her. I don’t want her to get involved. She does her best, but like me , she is divorced, with two children, 21 and 22. She has taken care of them for the past few years. She has enough on her plate. Fortunately, she has a good job.
I will wait patiently and hopefully, see the grandkids, when they return from their half-term break. Yes, I suppose I should be glad that the girls get along and the little cousins spend time together.
I needed to offload. Thankyou for listening.xx

Sadly this seems to be normal with dil’s I think sadly the old saying “a daughter is a daughter all her life , a son is a son until he gets a wife “ still applies , as in most families the wife organises everything so They automatically include their own mum especially if the husband isn’t going . My dil includes me in most things but there are some things that I am not asked to and it does hurt , but for the sake of peace I try to put it to the back of my mind , take care

I can identify with how OP feels. I am close to my daughter and she lives nearby so we see her family often. We have two married sons who live about an hour away. I had a very hard time when younger son got married and was absorbed into his wife's family. He and I are close and I've never told him how I felt. I love his young girls and always try to be available when asked to watch them. I like his wife but don't care for her mother or sister. They have barely acknowledged our presence the few times we've been together. We like our other dil's family even though we don't see them much. I never had the feeling I'd lost our other son to his in-laws even though they live near them and those grandparents see more of the kids.

crazyH
I am sorry .
I really feel for you .
I'm afraid that daughter in laws tend to organise going out without thinking of their mother in laws .
This has certainly happened to me .
I used to be included .
I'm not now .
I'm not forgiven for not being able to care for my grandson .

My advice is not to say anything .
It will just look like sulking at being excluded .
Invite them over and be cheery and good company - then you won't be forgotten .

Thankyou ruthieck, Dogwalkingnana and Esmay

I am wondering about your relationship with the other two Mums and whether this is something you can build on as independent adults. Perhaps the one whose husband is sick would appreciate some support that you can offer. That way you can see them less as rivals for affection in the family and it might create other opportunities for inclusive family socialising. I have two daughters and a close relationship with one of the MILs but the other MIL is an entirely different proposition and out interactions have been very limited indeed over the past 13 years (my SIL doesn't get on well with his parents even though he is very caring towards them). Not being the mother of sons I don't know from experience how the relationships pan out when they have partners and children but I know that my relationship with my daughters is much closer than could ever be achieved by a MIL. I was present at the births of both my grandchildren and my daughter would never have wanted to include her MIL with the intimacy of those occasions. I feel very privileged though, because my SIL actually wanted me there too!
Not all is rosy though because, despite having a good relationship with the other grandparents, when we are all together the children all but ignore us which can be very painful at times. Until the children are older (9 + 5) and more able to cope with having us all together, I think we will be limiting family gatherings with the other grandparents (based on the experience of us all being away together for a week this summer!).

My family is more like Bunny's DD's In laws are younger, a couple and far more involved than I am.
I used to be sad about it but the other gran is so thoughtful. When they have the DGC over she usually leaves them to me for a few hours and then invites me to tea!
We live very close to eachother.

I must organise a panto trip or something around Christmas. I've given up expecting them to see me on the C day and so go to my DS as they are very relaxed about things like that.
And I don't have to sleep over.
To be honest TBH I don't want to cook big meals anymore. I know my place. 🤣😂

FriedGreenTomatoes do you have daughters?

Doodledog

Pippa22
Bloody acronyms, why oh why do people use them ? Too lazy, not time to type a word ( ! ) or just being in the know in the Gransnet club ?
Other sites done use them nearly so much , perhaps it’s just oldies trying to stay current.
It's interesting how many people assume that others not doing things their way are 'lazy', and ascribe negative motives, usually related to age. Maybe they are too lazy to learn what the acronyms mean?

The OP (Original Poster) was posting for support, not criticism of her posting style, particularly as DIL is a very common acronym, used on numerous sites.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

One thing that can probably reduce the pain is that they're not hiding anything from you. You're being told their plans and seeing the photos. It must be a lot more hurtful if you're also being lied to, like some. They obviously don't think you're going to make a fuss or begrudge them and that in itself is a sort of compliment to you.

Lizs - I thought I had a good relationship with the mothers of the girls - just recently, in August, one of them helped me choose an outfit for my Big Birthday.
Readymeals - saw photo of the pantomime trip, but not seen any photos of the present half-term trip.. Strange !

Bide your time, wait until they get so close they have a tiff and come tittle tattling to you!

AJKW - love it 👍 cheered me up no end 😂

Hi crazyH. I am sorry you are feeling left out. I’d like to provide you a different perspective.

It would help you to reframe your view of them. Your DILs are friends. They are peers. Friends spend time and have outings. Sometimes children or mums will join in. Rarely if ever do friends meet up and bring along their MILs. This just happens to be a case where friends share a mother in law, but that doesn’t make their outing a “family” outing. Did your daughter receive an invite? Can you confirm the other grandmother was included? It wasn’t exactly a family girls’ hangout, was it? You weren’t the only related female not invited. That’s the reason you shouldn’t take it personal against you.

Case in point, you say they are going away but not with your sons or your daughter. If you only view your DILs and their relationship through how they are related to you, of course your feelings will be hurt. But the truth is, they seem to have more in common than just your sons and grandchildren. Plenty of women marry brothers and don’t become nearly as close.

Try viewing their relationship as more than merely an extension of your family. And throw away the negative advice here that would have you negatively personalize their friendship. There is no need to be hurt here.

Thankyou BlessedArtx

I drove 2 hours to see my son and family. After three hours I was sent on my way, as they were all going for a noon time nap. DIL’s mother was invited to stay for three days, naps included. I try not to dwell on it, hard though that is

Who , precisely, "sent you on your way" ? If your son did it then there will be some reason for his behaviour , but I would briefly and quietly tell him how hurt you feel, for his own sake.

mclaysmith - that’s tough. What is wrong with these ds.i.law ?
You’re right - best not to dwell on it. I had my friend over earlier. We had a glass of wine. Due to gynae problems, she was never able to have children. Hers is a different kind of sadness.
Life eh ? Thanks for posting

I’m glad you posted saying you were feeling better. I’m sure it wasnt a deliberate act of leaving you out. Especially as just one of the DIL mothers was present and there were photos posted. As suggested maybe that grandmother paid for the trip or it was a gift to her for some reason. I am the “younger” nana for my grandchildren. My daughter’s children and so we do have a very close bond and spend more time together which is natural I think and we go lots of places and do many activities and I’m involved in school pickups and child care. Their other Nana does pick up once a week and has the children back at her home. Although she is older and they don’t really go out the grandchildren love her and their grandad dearly too. There is room for all and a grandparents love is very special. It’s a blessing that your DILs and the cousins are close and get on and do things together. Don’t feel put out they are going away for a few days , again I’m sure it wasnt planned to exclude you in any way. Contact again and say you hope they had a wonderful time and rearrange the next free day they can come over. Also as suggested invite your boys round for a bit of mother/ son quality time.

mclaysmith

I drove 2 hours to see my son and family. After three hours I was sent on my way, as they were all going for a noon time nap. DIL’s mother was invited to stay for three days, naps included. I try not to dwell on it, hard though that is

When you say “ all” going for a noontime nap do you mean parents as well or just the children.
If just the children then why couldn’t you spend some time with just the adults ?
Or if all then it’s a great time to offer to do some chores for the family or pop out and come back when they are awake.

I’d definitely speak to your son and wife and say how upset you felt especially as it’s a 4 hour round trip x

Sadly it’s a fact of life if you have sons and no daughters you will always be ‘the other granny’ her mother will always come first. One of my DIL meets her mother every Friday, but is always too busy to see me.