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I've been foolish

(56 Posts)
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FarTooYoungForThis Sat 09-Nov-24 23:31:12

I've let myself become involved with another man. How stupid I feel. I have probably ruined my marriage. I've been a good wife for 39 years, faithful and loving despite my DH not wanting sex for the last 12 years. We have been intimate in other ways plus lots of hugs and kisses. More recently the intimacy has dwindled and he is just not interested. He also rarely wants hugs now and only brief kisses. I told him earlier this year that I miss being close and feel lonely. I'm not lonely in that I have lots of friends and lots of interests but I crave affection.
Several months ago, a man I've known for a few years started emailing me, and we met up a few times. We get on well and are very attracted to each other. He is a complicated person who finds commitment and communication difficult. We have become intimate in the last week.
My DH get on very well, have a good lifestyle. My AP does not have a good income but is asset rich. I would be crazy to leave my DH. My DH has always been the higher earner. We are both retired now. I dont have my own private pension and I rely on his pension for my current lifestyle.
In my head I am leaving my DH to move in with AP and live a crazily happy life with him. In reality my AP absolutely adores me when we are together but in-between I wonder if he is about to break it off and various things lead me to believe this. How could I leave my husband at this late stage in his life? But how can I stay with him now I have felt the love of another man?
I think my AP is too complicated for it to work out between us.
But what now, what do I do? I feel so unhappy and it's all my fault. Be kind, any guidance, words of advice greatly appreciated...

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SadieK Mon 12-May-25 06:47:16

Advice from one who has been there. Don't leave your DH and don't let him find out. Too much heartbreak and regret. Ask your DH whether there is a health issue, as this may be of concern to him and tell him again that you miss intimacy, even if just cuddles.

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Franski Mon 12-May-25 10:19:32

I would say there are two separate issues. Your marriage: where it is and what the future looks like if nothing changes. Then this other man. Is he the sort of person you would like to be with. Will he be there for you through thick and thin or when/if you can no longer have or want sex?

Honestly i think deceiving your DH is not ok and disrespects him and undermines the vows you made at marriage. It doesnt make you a terrible person, but you are responsible for the choices you're making. I hope you can find a way of moving forward with a clear conscience and peace. 39 years of marriage is worth a lot and you and your DH could come through this. Love and good wishes x

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Franski Mon 12-May-25 10:25:37

I just noticed this was an old post. Oh well.....

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butterandjam Mon 12-May-25 10:39:16

I think you know this is a mistake. Fortunately, it's perfectly recoverable by you with no harm done. You're still in control.

I've seen too many women jump from the frying pan to the fire. What stood out from your description of AP, is he " finds communication difficult. "
Isn't that the same problem you and DH have? Somehow, he hasn't got the message about what you so badly need from him; emotional comfort and reassurance through touch.

I think AP's "lack of communication" is also going to disappoint your emotional needs.

His lack of money, is going to disappoint too. You're used to, and appreciate and value the domestic physical comforts and security DH provides.

I suspect that when you and AP progress to the stage of tiffs and differences as every relationship does, he will NOT offer what you're used to from DH ( rock solid unquestioning commitment ) .

Don't rush into any explanations/ confessions/guilty feelings to either man.

You are your own woman, and you're in the driving seat . Take your time.

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whywhywhy Mon 12-May-25 10:45:44

This is from last year! I wonder what happened?
I wouldn’t tell DH and I’d get rid of the sh** man.
It’s not worth the hassle and get a dog.

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