Retired hubby driving me nuts

This post really upset me. My husband had to take early retirement when he was 60 due to health problems, for the following eight years I became my husband's 24 hour carer until he died ten years ago.

Please be grateful that you still have your husband because believe you me, if he dies your life will fall apart and will never again be the same.

I am sorry that this post has upset you but it important that people can express their difficulties.
It's one way of improving things.
I hope you can find help in the situation you are in.

I can really empathise
My DH does little outside the home meaning he’s always around I don’t get much time at home on my own
I have a lot of interests and activities
He tried volunteering but gave it up
He worked on his own so doesn't have a team spirit
He’s happy in his own company but when I’m around tries to control what I’m doing eg reloads the dishwasher , moves things I’ve put down to remind myself to take out etc generally very irritating and also very negative but won’t suggest anything to do differently
I think he’s happy in his own world but when I’m around and might want to do things differently can get aggressive
I’m out a lot but would relish peaceful home time on my own
I think he is a control freak really and can only see things from his own perspective - his way is the only way

TopGunner

This post really upset me. My husband had to take early retirement when he was 60 due to health problems, for the following eight years I became my husband's 24 hour carer until he died ten years ago.

Please be grateful that you still have your husband because believe you me, if he dies your life will fall apart and will never again be the same.

I think a mismatch between introvert and extrovert can be a real problem. In later life we are together much more than if working.

We can experience more thsn one thing at a time for example gratitude and frustration.

Sorry to read about your loss and challenging time.

Oreo

Apparently I can’t load the dishwasher properly and he’s not even retired yet, neither am I.Last week he offered to show me how he poaches eggs🙄

This is how my son is with me- always telling me stuff I already know.

This is making me smile because I loved being on my own but my son has moved in and its like being married all over again!

Thank goodness he's out at work all day!

Would a dog help the situation? Not being funny, it would take him out for hours on long walks, and your DH could learn to communicate with other owners. Dog walking would keep him fit too and keep dementia away. And in the home he would have someone to care for other than himself. 🐶

He could ask if the deaf neighbour would like company. Learn how to communicate with a profoundly deaf person. Short but regular visits even though they may bore him .

Allocate one or two of the household chores to him e.g. dishwasher related chores.

Get a small trolley for your armfuls of whatever so he can keep doors shut.

When he criticises your working methods don't answer him just do it your own way.

Did he do anything at work besides manage? Ask him what he is reading and why he likes it, and listen to what he says. He may be quite interesting. Find out what interests him however trivial or unusual, and ask an acquaintance with similar interests to visit your home and meet him, then when you are not interested in their topic give them privacy except for maybe pouring a drink for them or fetching some beer from the fridge.

Buy him a book of crosswords.

Keeping Quiet, my sons are my carers. I am ninety three.

I've spent most of my adult life as housewife and mother so am used to housework and good enough at it. One son criticised how I load the clothes airer. He was right in principle but unable to see that my way was even better than his. I simply eschewed a reply.
Any day now I will receive unasked for advice how to such eggs.

Dogwalkingnana
Join the club! The constant throat clearing starts at 9.30 in the morning and continues until he goes to sleep and it’s loud! I have suggested he takes throat lozenges, but he won’t, unless we are going out! I think it’s become a habit and sometimes he does it on purpose to annoy me. I shall try your response and buy some ear buds.

I agree with the dog idea. Walking a dog gives you exercise, helps your mental health and gets you chatting to other dog walkers. Plus the training is something to do together as you need to be saying and doing the same thing.
We lost our previous dog 6 months before retiring. And got our puppy when we both retired 2.5 years ago . Yes they’re a tie but they give structure to your day. One of our regular walks has a tea hut at the car park and some of the retired guys meet for coffee and a chat at 11.

Could he get an allotment? I know you said he won't even potter in the front garden, but maybe 'pottering' isn't his thing. My husband only had friends (well just colleagues really) from work, but he was persuaded to take on an allotment, because you don't have to socialise if you don't want to. Solo allotmenting is quite acceptable.

Bakingmad0203

Dogwalkingnana
Join the club! The constant throat clearing starts at 9.30 in the morning and continues until he goes to sleep and it’s loud! I have suggested he takes throat lozenges, but he won’t, unless we are going out! I think it’s become a habit and sometimes he does it on purpose to annoy me. I shall try your response and buy some ear buds.

My husband did that and eventually it was put down to recurrent acid reflux. Maybe a visit to the doctor or pharmacist might be a good idea.

Non joiner ain't gonna join!

I wonder if these scenarios work the other way round ever?

Allira

^he has a tendency to make 'helpful' suggestions on how I could better do my share of the chores which I've been doing for decades^
Oh yes, I can empathise!

Oh My God!!
I'm not the only one then!!
The "closing the door( that I've deliberately left open )because I'll be coming back through it in about 20 seconds with both hands carrying a full laundry basket" also resonates.......
I recently posted that I thought that Gsnet should be for everyone. This is why!! Information exchanged here has probably prevented a few divorces..............

😂

I don't like to be managed! DH has difficulty realising that even after all these years.

I leave my husband managing our daughters - he does it well, they go along well. Win win, I'm not involved in their choices - lucky me.

Oreo

Apparently I can’t load the dishwasher properly and he’s not even retired yet, neither am I.Last week he offered to show me how he poaches eggs🙄

Not bloody poached eggs as well....... another one.
I poach eggs perfectly competently using a poaching pan. Endless lectures why his method ( freestyle in hot water) is infinitely preferable and I should learn it and do it his way. I've explained a million times that I'd break the egg or it would end up a swirly inedible mess in boiling water............
aaaaaaarghh

Labradora,Oreo
Mr C, to be fair, is pretty good but does display some of the tendencies that others have outlined.
During a recent stay his absolute twat of a brother on the other hand explained to me how his "little cleaner" has this amazing steam iron, proceeding to tell me how it works. He does mansplaining to Master's level.
He is not good for my mental health

loopyloo

I am sorry that this post has upset you but it important that people can express their difficulties.
It's one way of improving things.
I hope you can find help in the situation you are in.

Thank you. It's not about being ungrateful, it's about making things the best they can be for both of us.

I'm sorry for your loss TopGunner.

I can relate to your situation and feelings Horti. I hope you find a way forward that works.

Lovely suggestion escaped and others regarding the dog. Unfortunately we're both allergic.

Another lovely suggestion Caleo but the neighbour has plenty of visitors and shown no inclination of wanting our company. I've taken her baking round a few times and some books but she doesn't ask me in and hubby hasn't really spoken to her. Also she has a dog - and we're allergic.

My hubby also does the throat clearing BakingMad and dogwalkingnana but we know it's down to acid reflux too retroladywriting and his tablets help.

Anyhow. Thanks so much everyone. Hubby and I chatted a bit more and with a bit of movement on both sides, I'm already feeling happier and hubby has realised he's in a rut and asked for a bit of support getting back into the swing of things. He's already doing a bit less 'managing'. Sometimes you just need to chat these things through with lovely objective ppl to get clarity and the feeling of being seen, heard, supported, to make it all feel a bit easier.

Hugshelp, I'm so glad you have found some solutions. Talking it out always seems to be the best solution.

I may well be in the opposite spot; my DH has been retired for years and I plan on retiring next spring. I was off with a fractured arm in September, and there were a few days we were irritated with each other...

He is the type to be busy all day, and I have endless capacity to lounge about. I see some discord happening in the future!

So pleased to hear that you’re happier after talking things through with your husband hugshelp. However much we may love them, our OHs can be very annoying at times. Sharing frustrations can help, and doesn’t diminish how much we care. So much good advice on GN. Incidentally, regarding dogs, there are certain breeds that do not shed, so are ok if you have allergies. That is why Cockerpoos are so popular. 😊💐

My DH is absolutely the same. Actually moves me out the way to do things better. He insists on cutting the cheese and cucumber for our rolls 20 minutes before it is time to make lunch as he thinks I can't cut things straight. Mansplaining is out of this world and on subjects I will never need. He controls the heating, garden, cars, hoovering etc etc. It has been worse since he had a stroke. I do feel frustrated and annoyed a lot of the time but on the other hand so glad he is still with us. We are looking after 2 DGC in their own house in December whilst parents are away and I have now been sent a list with photos and links for paper from Hobbycraft and Etsy, buttons from somewhere else shaving foam and photos of elves as we are in charge of elf on the shelf while Mummy is away. It's not worth telling him that Mummy does it with household items 🤶🏻

BakingMad and Retroladywriting, it helps my sanity to learn you live with the same thing.
It's from acid reflux and he has had the esophagus scope done. He has afib and doesn't take anything for the acid reflux. Fortunately he usually falls asleep in the evening while reading and the sound stops. Just as I feel relieved, though, he'll wake up and the loud grating sound starts again. I know I'll miss him terribly if he dies but I won't miss that. He knows I don't like it, but gets very irate if I mention it. It doesn't help to go to another room since it's very loud. He controls it around other people.

Just a thought, if he prefers quiet, solo tasks maybe he would be interested in tracing the family roots. There is loads of information on line as to how to go about it and it can become quite obsessive. Would exercise his brain and might make for some interesting conversation.

Thank goodness my husband enjoys indoor bowling and I encourage him to do it.
He finds the comradeship there in place of his working colleagues. Goes away each year with the competitive bowling which gives me time to go away with friends.
My problems with him though he does very little around the home, I basically run it and he never sees any maintenance which needs doing.
I don't have anything to offer other than live the life you enjoy.