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Retired hubby driving me nuts

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hugshelp Sun 24-Nov-24 14:33:18

I'm sure I'm not the first to feel this way, but I'm struggling to navigate the change from a hubby who always worked long hours and is now always home.

I have many interests and often go to do thing with friends. Hubby hardly ever goes anywhere without me. He spends a lot of time reading, and doing quiet activities. We moved house nearly 2 years ago, and where I've been quick to make new friends, he hasn't made any. His colleagues were his friends but he's drifted away from them.

It doesn't help that our immediate neighbours aren't really options for even a casual chat over the fence - one is housebound and profoundly deaf, the other hostile.

I crave a bit of alone time at home. I did reluctantly mention it recently and he said, 'I can't be bothering you when I'm sat in the chair." But oddly he does. It's little things - like him closing a door after me than I'm going to go through again in 10 seconds - my arms full of laundry - because there's a draft. Or him saying, 'do you think you should....' whatever it is the answer is generally no. I get the distinct impression he's trying to manage me as he misses being a manager. It's finding myself being pulled into a conversation about he minutiae of how best to stack a dishwasher - for the twentieth time.

I get it, he's at a loose end and not sure how to adapt. There are lots of local groups but he won't go alone, which rather defeats the object if I'm after me time. Even the joint ones cause grumbles because the time or venue isn't what he'd prefer, so he generally drops out.

I do think now I've mentioned it, he might take himself off to the chemist alone at least - he always asks me to go with him everywhere. I feel sorry for him having no other pals so I usually agree but I'm starting to feel suffocated. Then I end up pulling away more and he feels abandoned.

Seriously - help!!

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Oreo Wed 04-Dec-24 20:11:06

Calipso

Labradora,Oreo
Mr C, to be fair, is pretty good but does display some of the tendencies that others have outlined.
During a recent stay his absolute twat of a brother on the other hand explained to me how his "little cleaner" has this amazing steam iron, proceeding to tell me how it works. He does mansplaining to Master's level.
He is not good for my mental health

Did you get your steam iron out to show him?😂
They all mansplain but some more than others .

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Oreo Wed 04-Dec-24 20:14:29

cc

Oreo

Some men, once retired are happy enough to potter around the house and garden and go on shopping trips with their wife, my Dad was similar to your DH.They don’t all crave the company of other older men ( and who can blame them)🤭
I would advise planning a few trips together if you can afford it and the rest of the time if you want to see your own friends then just tell him you’re going out to meet them for coffee and shopping, a girls thing. In the home do you have another room you can maybe do craft things in or catch up on emailing or whatever?
Just to say, my Dad sadly became ill and died about six years into retirement and Mum still misses him very much.Nobody knows how long they’ll get together in retirement.

My husband potters, he has a room for himself with his books, a radio and his music and can disappear there for hours.
He does such cleaning as is done here, and every now and again goes and retrieves one of the packed boxes from our downsizing to try to get rid of more of the junk.
Every couple of days he has a themed wander through YouTube, watching videos about cars or travelling, or whatever takes his fancy. He also watches streamed box sets when he gets up at 5 a.m.
Sometimes if the weather is right we go for a wander in the local park for an hour or so and on Fridays we always go out together for lunch, our only regular engagement. He's never bored,
We're lucky and have a family holiday home, so every month he takes himself off down there to do "maintenance" which takes about four days and involves gardening, cleaning, sorting out yet boxes from our downsize, and trips to his favourite place, the local tip.
His three best friends are now dead and he has absolutely no interest in making new ones.

He’s happy and you’re happy, a win win situation 😃

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