Miserable Husband

Thank you everyone for so much support and advice. Today was a better day. But this is the pattern, one day moody, the next ok. He acts as if nothing has happened, I don't know if he's even aware of his moods, despite me telling him how moody he is.

I say one day moody the next fine, but to be honest his moods can switch from fine to ok within minutes. Often I am left with the feeling I've done something wrong, when actually I haven't done anything at all.

I am going to reread everyones advice and take some positive steps to make my life happier in 2025

You need to realise that after years of your husband’s behaviour - it is not your fault! Only YOU can make a difference to your situation. My husband is not moody but has become immobile within the last five years and developed habits that his family dislike. He has been told he cannot drive but won’t accept it. I have put myself out there to try and make new friends and acquaintances - we have only lived in our village for five years, but I have made lovely friends. I have tried to encourage my husband to join groups etc, to help him, but he says “they are not my kind of people”. So his social life is virtually non-existent. It’s up to him.

I can only repeat what others have said live your life change your routine in order to tolerate your husbands. If you are able try new things even wrap up warm and go for a good walk. Take a bus or train ride take yourself out to clear your mind don’t pander to his whims.

Prepare his lunch dinner etc and leave him to his own devices. He won’t change but he might just realise how valuable you are even though he won’t admit it. Look after yourself and chat here anytime you need company life is too short.

I'm sorry but I wouldn't put up with it. My favourite saying to my husband if he was in a strop would be we have two children and I don't need a third. Strangely his parents both were moody people and I couldn't be bothered with it. It's totally selfish behaviour. Call him out on it or ignore it, you will soon find it changes his tune when you remind him the world does not revolve around him. My other tack is, I either put something on TV that I want to watch, or I read a book and ignore him. If they want to sulk like three year olds let them sulk. They will soon find it's a very lonely life when you are out and about doing your own thing, and they are left wallowing in their own misery. Seriously, do what YOU want to do. Leave him to his own misery, life is far too short.

So glad things improved.

And also so glad that you’re planning to take some positive steps for 2025.

May I suggest that you read up about adults with undiagnosed autism? So much more is known about it now, and it may shed some light on those mood swings…

I'm another one with a moody miserable OH. Mine sounds like he came out of the same mould as Kadinsky. I dealt with it by making my own enjoyment. Took myself off to visit a stately home, a few day trips with local coach company etc. Much better to improve your own happiness than to try and improve his.

I agree with the majority of what people say about getting out and being your own person
However moodiness or whatever you call it can be a controlling mechanism and from personal experience it might be that if you do some things for yourself the efforts for control could escalate
No way am I saying don’t but for warned
is for armed
Be strong

Oh my goodness, this could be me! I am so sorry.
My husband can be so nice when other people are around but changes personality at other times. His 92 year old mother lives with us and quite frankly I hate living here. He’s rotten to her and if I’m not well cannot cope with the house and cooking etc, I could say so many things. What I will do is read replies you get. Keep smiling, I try to but at 65 it’s getting harder. I have already told myself to see a solicitor in the new year to see if I can leave him. I don’t want to spend what time I have left feeling angry and miserable the time. After 40 years I’ve had enough.
Whatever YOU do, do it for YOU! There is a life out there it’s just how brave are we to try it on our own? I will update you on what I do, probably nothing as I have done for years now but it’s good to dream. Xxx

I have read your update and others responses and it just occurred to me I wonder if he is on any medication? Sometimes that can interfere with their moods. My husband is but His father was a miserable old sod and he takes after him. As I have said in another post I put on here, my ma in law lives with us and I can see so many of her traits in him. Sulks if can’t get own way being one. My husband also gets grumpy if I am busy doing other things and not paying him attention. He will just sit and watch tv all day if I’m not here only getting off the chair when I come home!
Ignore your husband if in a mood, it is NOT your fault. Go read a book, have a bath or whatever. Sometimes I’d like to watch tv without mine but am unable to do so, we like different things and I can only watch what I want to when he isn’t here which is not very often unfortunately so if you are the same think about what you used to enjoy doing and set about finding something that makes YOU happy. Good luck, please keep us updated. Happy new year to a new you xxx

I agree with you there, those moods are about control, luckily I’m a strong person and I do what I want to now but my strength is waning as I get older. as a younger wife and mother I was controlled but didn’t know it. In todays world I could have divorced him years ago for many things unheard of then. Xx

If your husband is depressed, he knows he is depressed. He should seek help.

As others have suggested, maybe you should have a serious talk with him - saying how unhappy you are, and that you feel you cannot go on like this. If he wants your marriage to continue he needs to seek help. If he does not respond then I think you have put up with this long enough.

60 isn't that old. There is still time for you to make a new life for yourself and be released from this continual feeling of dread and anxiety about these ever-changing moods. (I know how depressing it can be not knowing how the day is going to pan out and whether you are going to be made to feel responsible for someone else's bad moods).

Good luck. I hope life soon treats you better.

In life, you don't always get what you want, you always get what you get and you always get what you tolerate.

This behavior from your partner continues only because you are tolerating it. There’s no other explanation. By accepting it, you’re sending a message—he may believe, on some level, that it’s acceptable to you. As a result, he continues the behavior. Make a choice is my suggestion.

I suspect it’s depression. It could be because men tend to define themselves by their career and often find it hard to cope with retirement. My DH hates being old and not working. If he is ever told he is not fit to drive it will be the last straw. Your husband needs to find interests outside the home if you can face helping him to find something. But dealing with stubbornness is difficult. Many men depend on women once they retire. It’s very hard for you.

Homestead62

I'm sorry but I wouldn't put up with it. My favourite saying to my husband if he was in a strop would be we have two children and I don't need a third. Strangely his parents both were moody people and I couldn't be bothered with it. It's totally selfish behaviour. Call him out on it or ignore it, you will soon find it changes his tune when you remind him the world does not revolve around him. My other tack is, I either put something on TV that I want to watch, or I read a book and ignore him. If they want to sulk like three year olds let them sulk. They will soon find it's a very lonely life when you are out and about doing your own thing, and they are left wallowing in their own misery. Seriously, do what YOU want to do. Leave him to his own misery, life is far too short.

Absolutely agree. I am so happy with 3rd husband now but can remember the misery of living with what is, in fact abuse.

It's no joy living with someone like that .

They aren't happy with themselves and take it out on you .
Why should you have all the fun ?

Could be depression , borderline personality disorder or attention seeking .
Either way for your own sanity , avoid an angry confrontation and do things ,which make you happy .

But I do want to warn you that it can go wrong :

Tired of her husband's rudeness - one of my friends made her own life during the day and moved out of their bedroom .
He moved out .
He's initiated divorce and she lost half the house .

I'm watching one of my friends spend nights away from her morose husband.
I don't know if she's having an affair , because she's become secretive .
She claims that she's working .
Just before Christmas , she was away ffor five nights in one week .
His moods are definitely worsening .
I wonder if he's going to walk out .

I also know someone else , who after being a Miss Mouse for thirty years - finally changed and challenged her husband .
He didn't like it .
He found someone else .

Can you talk to your GP ?
Can you suggest counselling ?

I wish you a happy solution to a really horrible situation .

I left a very unpleasant husband at 60 and at 71 am so much happier. Just a thought

Rosselly - is he having an affair ? I’m asking from experience.
My husband was moody - turned out he was having an affair- finally left me, we divorced and he married her.

Some questions and suggestions.

Does he try and isolate you from others?

Do you feel you need to walk around on eggshells?

Does he have a temper?

Is he angry?
At others or just you?
At his upbringing or his family?

Is he jealous of others?

Does he have disappointments in his life?

Does he fear death?

Could you record him/video him with his permission[I have been surprised in my life who will allow that]. He may be surprised how he acts/talks/thinks.

Roselley, I have come late to this discussion and hope you are feeling a bit better after discussing your problems with the kind people on this site. I agree that you do need to make a big effort to meet some new people, perhaps you could join something like the University of the Third Age, they have numerous different activities and I’m sure there would be one to interest you. Don’t be put off by the name university it is basically a number of groups that meet to enjoy a certain activity that can be anything from going for walks to days out or theatre trips. I know it won’t be easy but be brave and make that first move. However, before making any other major changes,such as leaving your husband, you need to look carefully at your finances. Do you own the house between you? If so don’t just move out before seeing a solicitor. Do you have an independent income? Sit down and look at every aspect before making any major decisions. A visit to your local Citizens Advice could help with all this. Only once you know where you stand should you have that conversation with your husband. I hope this helps. Good luck and be brave

Esmay you say things can go wrong, with examples.
Yet surely a grumpy husband taking himself off can be a good thing.

I can identify with so much of this. What really makes things unbearable is the horrible loud throat clearing sounds. He knows the cause is acid reflux and says he can't help it but he controls it around other people. He knows it bothers me but becomes irate and nasty when I mention it. We've been married almost 60 years. I take antidepressant and need to take better care of myself and making myself #1. I've usually given in to him to keep the peace.

I watched this happen to a very dear friend. Her husband was 'let go' from his job in his fifties and he sulked for the rest of his life, doing his best to suck the joy out of her life. She was very outgoing, gregarious, kind, social , who enjoyed life, and she was devoted to him and did everything she could to alleviate his depression, and also his intense selfishness.

She was not helped by her children, who felt she should give up friendships ands social activities, but not her job which brought in much needed income, to 'look after poor dad' whose favoured activity was to sit in the main living room with headphones clamped on his head listening to his music, refusing to communicate with anyone, and equally refusing to do anything to help run the household.
My advice would be to attempt to get your husband to seek medical advice, while seriously considering developing a life of your own, on your terms. I don't think your husband will change, and you have to create your own life, either a parallel one with him or on your own.

You’re only 60 not 80. Do you want decades more of living with this joy-sucking person? Get a divorce before it’s too late, I really feel for you.

Even if someone is depressed, as opposed to just a miserable sod, if they're affecting other people it's time to get help.

Say goodbye