First Christmas after separation

I have been in the same boat as you this has been the 2nd year since my separation. I spent it with a neighbour who is also on her own. I was widowed at 34 and was left my house totally mortgage free my ex took half of this, I owned 30% of our business he declared he was retiring but just changed the company name and still works. One of my daughters still lets him see her eldest boy even though he is not related by blood and never asks to see the other two. I still get soooooo angry he has turned into a monster. I am sure there are many women in the same boat but we just have to get on and hope something dreadful happens to these men🤭

If I’m in a really awful situation, I just say to myself “ Don’t think, just be”. I concentrate on right now, even if it’s just making a cup of tea or whatever. Don’t think past, don’t think future, just don’t think other than what you are doing right at that very moment. Focus. “Do the work that is to hand”, as my mother used to say.

I know the feeling….but you can cry,let it out,then try to get on with something….go for a walk.I found not being able to eat the worse thing.I went to M&S and felt nauseous looking at all the meals.I bought a couple of ready meals, I ate jam butties just to get some food into me.Take folic acid if you’re not eating.
Start a journal,and keep doing a bit every day.Write about your thoughts,a list of friends and neighbours and things to e grateful for.I am sending you a big hug .x

Big hand hold from me, I ve been there too, so many of us been there
I was lucky he completely disappeared out of the country …but…. that has its bleak side too, you have to build up the children to not missing a Dad, although my ex didn’t bother much with the children, so they didn’t have much to miss however it still feels a huge failure on my part I thought I had done so well to keep it all from the them but years and years on, they told me they knew all that was going on and would listen and hear.
But …..it will get easier, hold your head up high, come on here for a handhold whenever you want.
We are a community in our own right. We are survivors

When I was in that situation 20+ years ago I actually took anti depressant for the first and only time in my life. I was ok when I was working but the minute I finished work the Eleanor Rigby face left and I couldn’t stop crying. I worked for my doctor at the time ( he actually carried me through it all and I’ll be forever grateful for his support).and he prescribed mirtazapine. I only took it for a short while but it really helped. It did make me quite drowsy at first but, as he said, you need to sleep. I found the emptiness in my house unbearable, too, even though I’m someone that, in general, likes being alone a lot of the time. As a friend also said, the medication will bring you back up to a level at which you can cope with what’s happening.

Oh and also I don’t think that people that haven’t experienced it can understand the devastation that comes with divorce. I wasn’t able to talk about it with friends as I was trying to protect my children, the youngest of which had just left for uni, but I did have a cousin who lived along way away that I was able to confide in: she was still married but had never got over finding out that her husband had been having an affair so she understood about the betrayal.

During periods of time after I strongly suggested to my then husband that he leave, I went through a couple of semi melt downs when the pressure of winter chores with five horses to tend to before going to work plus the usual house maintenance was getting to me. [Winter in the part of Canada I live in can mean lots of snow and very very cold temperatures.... never mind the wind.}
I would finally say to myself, "Do you want him back? .... since he did want to come back....
I'd say, "HELL NO!!!!" ... and just get on with it.

So many people feeling alone either at or just after xmas. I'd abolish the entire event if I ruled the world. No matter how well one is coping it just take xmas to unravel it all (fortunately only temporarily)

Take it really slowly. It's one hell of an adjustment you are making. You CAN build a new life, one that is so much better than what you had before.

I have a little bit of paper in my bedroom. It says One day at a time, one step at a time, and for today breathing is enough !

Goodness.
I am so blown away by your responses, advice and shared stories. So many similar stories - sadly.

I’m so sorry that you have all had to go through this and other similar experiences, and I am so grateful for your support and kind words.

In case it helps anyone else, I wanted to share this. It was sent to me by a truly wonderful friend today, out of the blue - I think she must be telepathic!

a blessing for a fellow wanderer

may you find love enough to fill any holes
may you find healing enough to cover any wounds
may you find hope enough to keep your dreams alive
may everything that was taken from you return to you as joy
may all your failures grow into courage
may you find yourself brave enough to keep trying
may you find a soft place to rest where you can take off everything that is not yours to carry
may your bones carry peace
may your heart be a rich valley
may your name be a home to anyone who finds themselves lost
may your mouth own all the words that taste like wonder
and no matter who you were, or who you are, or who you
choose to become
may you always be found by the light.

Beejo

Having been where you are, I can tell you that, just as after a bereavement, the first year will be full of firsts, but you'll never have to do them again.
You have every right to feel awful after such a dreadful betrayal - I know how that rocks the world and you feel like you will never be happy again.
Allow yourself this time of grieving - it's normal, natural and okay - but always bear in mind that "this too shall pass". It will end, the day will come when you wake up ready to pick up your life.
It's not easy to rebuild and it won't happen all at once, but it's not impossible.
If you have grandchildren you may have read We're Going on a Bear Hunt where they say "We can't go over it, we can't go under it, we can't go around it, we've got to go through it" and so it is with grief - but you're doing it now and one day you will emerge on the other side to find the sun shining again.

Funnily enough I bought myself a little necklace with the words 'this too will pass' engraved on it. I try to hold onto that thought but you're right it can be hard to believe.

Also...so much wisdom in that children's story quote!
x

heavenlyheath....I am so wishing for that karma to show up.....

I’ve been there - he told me, he was leaving me for the woman who we had dinner with just a few days earlier. It was just after NY. We talked and agreed that he would stay in the marital home, till my son finished his O Levels . The rest is history, as they say.

#ontheedge believe me Karma is a real thing. And it Will get him. I am not a spiritual person but I have personal experience that proves "what goes around, comes around".
Wishing you strength to get through this low point in your life. Keep telling yourself "I will get through this". You will. 🫂

I understand and been there and survived it, just take a day at a time and be glad you've got rid of him. Better off without him. Good advice on here all survivors, things can only get better.💐