Hurtful things about me that I never knew!

Don’t worry Nannimo. I help my daughter so much (often at the last minute) with her three children, all at different schools. Last week we altered our weekend arrangements to suit her and on arriving very late she commented that I have Dementia. I said if that’s what she truly thinks she shouldn't trust me with caring for and driving her children. I told her in no uncertain terms to leave our house My husband and hers just stood by without saying a word. All forgiven and forgotten now (until the next time) as we love one another and she needs me.

I think my approach would be to stay calm, tell her you read the note and therefore understand she needs you to leave your role in the office. And then ask if she needs any notice period or whether it's ok for you to leave immediately. After you leave, find other things to do than help her and in future only help if she's asked you to do something specific, and even then only if it doesn't clash with something else you've planned. My son stopped talking to me as he found I criticised his plans. He wanted to spend family money (not his own as he rarely had employment and had none) on buying him a shop to run. I suggested he first worked in a shop to get retail experience and that was enough for him to throw me out of his life. So you know, sometimes we draw a short straw with our kids. You are valuable in your own right, value yourself!

Babamaman

Tell your daughter that as you are an ‘old cow’ you feel you are no longer of any use to her or her business and are going to retire from immediate effect to live your life as you see fit! Spending her inheritance on travelling alone or with other ‘old cows’
Find a group of people your age, with your interests. Go live your life as you see fit!
Good luck, it will take courage but we all have to go down that road occasionally and once done feel better for it! 😘👍

Brilliant could not have put it better. Enjoy your life, life is too short to put up with petty people, even if they are your own.

i would not say anything but i would leave a copy of it at her home and not turn up for work, leave it to her to contact you.

You say she pays you. So this is a form of constructed dismal. Totally unacceptable. She sounds like a very selfish and ungrateful individual. She should definitely be told that as well.

You must be feeling very hurt right now so I would take a few days to sort out what you want to do.
I can't imagine why she would write down those feelings let alone leave them somewhere you could find them if she didn't want you to come across them.
I would tell her you've seen her comments, obviously you won't be continuing to work for her but you will work your notice if it's absolutely essential. I might also be inclined to add that you only stepped into your current role against your better judgement because she asked you to do so. I would try to say this all quite calmly, difficult I know. I would also stop working from her house in order to take in her online shopping and definitely stop doing any other household chores for her.

I too found out what my Daughter really thought about me, I had to walk away, I'm 80 now, I would'nt want her back, I think you should leave, but let her know that you've seen the notes, she should'nt be allowed to get away with that. Very disrespectful.

I agree. This is sensible advice.

I hope you are being paid the correct salary for doing your sales job as you said you were helping her out.

If I had read a note like that from my daughter I would have been absolutely devastated. We did have a bit of a rocky relationship at times but I can't imagine her ever expressing such unkind sentiments or using such cruel language.

I am afraid I wouldn't be able to keep quiet - it would eat me up inside to do so. Providing you can keep calm and not enter into a slanging match, I would want to clear the air.

If it were me, I would tell her I had seen the note and found it very upsetting. I would say I understand that working with a family member has its difficulties, and everyone gets irritated sometimes. However, I have realised that it probably isn't the best thing for me to be working at my age, especially as I find the sales role challenging. So I am stepping back from the job and am giving 3-4 weeks to find a replacement.

I don't think it was unreasonable of you to point out that, particularly as the company's finances aren't that favourable at the moment, it might be wise to curb spending for a while. After all, you say you had a partly financial role.

As others have said, she was probably just letting off steam, so try not to take it to heart too much. But don't be so available for other little chores that she'd like you to do.

Give her notice. Mention you only started work as it was a particular situation she was in and you now feel you are not contributing anything in your role. Stop doing her domestic chores unless explicitely asked and only for the particular occasion. That way you are keaving the door open for her to ask for help and for you to maintain a family relationship.Leave DD to get on with her life, you've done your bit, and more!

Times have changed and she doesn't need your well-intended help anymore. Your daughter does not have the guts to tell you that she needs fresh wind in the business. Do the right thing, and resign as if it were a usual employment. Should you feel the need to justify your decision, say that you still have some things on your bucket list, and that it is time to do that. And then get going on a lovely holiday somewhere overseas, or visit a friend who lives further away. Cut the apron strings. It is now time for YOU.

I agree sometimes people think harsh things about others, even people they care for, but writing them down and leaving it where you were easily able to see it is extremely uncaring. Lots of people write their thoughts down as a form of self therapy but something so hurtful and personal should have been kept safe or destroyed. I would find it very difficult to not let her know you have seen it because I’m not good at hiding my emotions. But I do agree that this is likely to cause some repercussions and could easily get out of hand. Take a step back from her life now and start doing things for yourself. Tell her you are leaving your job and give notice if she needs you to. Otherwise leave straight away. Don’t interfere with her travel plans just wish her a good time and tell her to stay safe. Make some plans of your own and enjoy the extra freedom you now have. It might be that you are helping her out to do her a favour but she could be keeping you because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you she no longer needs your help! Family relationships are such tricky things to navigate sometimes. Good luck and I hope you find a solution to this that works for you.

You are doing far too much for her, with no appreciation or thanks. Give notice and leave asap and make some nice retirement plans for yourself.

I do feel so sorry for you having discovered this note- but I do also find it strange that your relationship with your daughter has been based on such a misunderstood and false premise- there can have been no truth and genuine understanding. Take Maw’s advice - it’s absolutely right. Also make your own life full of activities and interests- such that you have no time to work for your daughter in any capacity. Volunteer at a charity, join the U3A, look after your grand child a bit, join a book club, or a walking club, try a new skill - painting, swimming, golf, yoga, Pilates, gardening, any subject that interests you, get a dog, visit the theatre or the cinema- ( I recently took myself off to see A complete unknown ) - brought back wonderful memories of the 60’s - we bring up our children and teach them to fly- this is what they should do - let them and they will love you for it. It also makes them feel better if Mum and Dad are fairly busy!!

Perhaps she meant for you to see it,

its very hurtfull when our kids think of us as annoying i would just leave quietly and in a nice way and distance yourself for a while and then slowly build up the relationship to a friendly point but not too get taken advantage of again

I find myself in agreement with many of the previous posters, resign , you are 70 that’s reason enough, if she can afford travel she can also afford a cleaner and a bookkeeper/ admin to replace you. No reason need be given, other than you want to enjoy the last third of your life, do not be on call, it won’t help either of you, get yourself a social life, so many older folk mainly women give up a huge amount of time running about after children and grandchildren because it’s expected, you have done your bit and this is your turn.

eazybee

I think you should leave, sooner rather than later, simply saying the job has become too much for you at your age and it is not your area of expertise.
Make no mention of having seen the notes referring to you, never, ever refer to them and leave on as pleasant terms as possible.
Don't be quite so available to help out at home, and don't do any jobs unless actually specified. Take a magazine to read instead.
Don't offer any advice, just smilingly agree with her plans and let her discover for herself how to sort out her financial affairs.

Totally agree - this is the way forward.

Gosh, what a difficult situation for you OP. If my daughter wrote things like that about me, I’d be terribly hurt and no way would I not say anything. Can they really have come from nowhere and been written in the heat of the moment?
Obviously I can’t say, because I don’t know her or you.
I’d stay calm and respond rather than react. Then I’d tell her you found the note when you were looking for innocently looking for something, tell her how hurt you are and then calmly say you think it’s better if you stopped working for her. If she offers an explanation fine but don’t ask for one. She has clearly crossed a boundary and you need to take care of yourself.

Smileless2012

I agree with Barleyfields, that you should say that knowing what she really thinks of you, you're handing in your notice.

I wouldn't ask for an explanation or offer an explanation for why you've expressed concerns about her choice of holiday destinations and any concern you had about how she was managing or not, her business finances.

I wouldn't simply stop being available to help her out at home but tell her that you'll no longer be doing so.

Why on earth would she write these thoughts down and leave them in the office where you have access and could come across it, which you have done?

What has happened to family relationships where well meaning parents need to keep it zipped and keep even kindly meant opinions .... to ourselves.

Thank goodness we don't have to be this way with our DS.

Smileless your answer is spot on.

I've had a similar experience, though not in a work context. I went to see my mother, and to help her out with a few things. She spoke more loudly than she thought she did, because of deafness. She was speaking on the phone, and I overheard it all. Very cruel and hurtful things about my appearance, dress sense, and similar, and untrue things about my husband. I told her straight out, and immediately, that I'd heard everything she said. It wasn't a shock, because she'd said things like this all my life (she was in her 80s at this time), but it was very upsetting. I confronted her with it so it wouldn't eat me up. She burst into tears and asked for forgiveness. She didn't get it, at least at the time, but we didn't discuss it further. Confronting her helped me to deal with it. I think, whatever age you are, and whatever the situation, if you say something it can always be reported back, and if you write something it can always be seen - and sometimes the person wants it to be. But whoever says or writes something is responsible for it. It's no one else's problem. This is not your problem, and you can move on with a clear conscience. You have tried to help, and it's not appreciated, and your daughter doesn't like or respect you. You don't have to cut off contact, but you know where you stand, and you owe her nothing.

I agree with Easybee🙂

What eazybee said

Quit the job!