Could anyone offer some wise words on a step daughters who openly can't stand me?

In most second marriages/relationships there is one or more family member(s) that does not like or accept the new interloper.
Many reasons often financial, all you can do is rise above it, if you love him get married, you can’t please all of the people all the time.

can do is rise above it and

It's really quite simple, she is concerned about inheritance.

There are some things about this situation you can’t change. He’s had a life and family before you. I think you’re going to have to accept that and tolerate the irritations or walk away.

Give her space and try not to let her/the situation get under your skin. In time she may come around, but until them you may have to just 'suck it up'.

JamCreamandScones, you and your lover would be better to not marry but simply remain lovers for the rest of your lives. If you love each other there is no need for any ceremonial or legal arrangements.

Why would you want to marry? Is it because you don't trust each other?

PS, JamCreamand Scones, he sounds great and I envy you having such a lover, and so late in life too. Well done both of you!

If you’re not materialistic as you say , then why the need to rush into marriage , for what purpose ? you can still live happily together ., then all the problems that you are facing with his daughter won’t be no more . Marriage isn’t everything , just a wedding ring and piece of paper tucked into the drawer . It won’t make you any happier will it ., just worse by the sounds of it .

OP you talk about how you struggled and worked hard and had nothing handed to you on a plate. This is in contrast to what comes across regarding your partners daughter - that she has in some ways had it easier than you. It comes across that you have some resentment towards her for this and that you almost feel superior to her because you didn’t have what she had and you had to work harder than she has. Do you think she picks up on this and don you think this makes her want to like you more?

For someone who says they’re not materialistic, you talk a lot about money in your post. This doesn’t mean you are greedy but it does indicate to me that money and security is important to you (understandably so given what you’ve said about bringing your kids up) but it does mean that it’s important to you in a way that it probably isn’t to the daughter (because she’s never had to worry about it). This concern for money and stability will possibly be alien to her but may mean that she sees you as very different to her and her family.

Someone once said to me that you can't change what people think about you, but you can change how you react to it.

By coming on here and sharing so many details, you are reacting badly. Leave her alone; you can't change the way she feels (justified or not) and either marry your lover or not. You are an adult and so is she. It is what it is. Good or bad.

If I may add to the post from RedBlueandGreen, I'd remark that if your lover is well off financially, then your need to receive an assurance that he appreciates you will include that he leave you a sum of money in his will as a gesture of concern for your future welfare and of his appreciation of you as a person. It all depends on how well off your lover is.

If you are a self sufficient person who is happy with an informal relationship then why marry? You need to examine your motives. The man's daughter is a side issue, she feels as she feels.

BTW, why is your spelling so bad? Just an idea, but is the daughter snobbish about you level of education?

Caleo

JamCreamandScones, you and your lover would be better to not marry but simply remain lovers for the rest of your lives. If you love each other there is no need for any ceremonial or legal arrangements.

Why would you want to marry? Is it because you don't trust each other?

In fairness most women want security, for most marriage is the way to get that.
The alternative is a bequest in his will, which is fine as long as the will remains unchanged or indeed unchallenged. Marriage guarantees the surviving spouse will be provided for, even if it may not be all that’s expected.
There is another thread current where the OP is insecure because her husband won’t reassure her there is provision in his will.
This kind of uncertainty spoils many relationships and really should be avoided.

David49

Caleo

JamCreamandScones, you and your lover would be better to not marry but simply remain lovers for the rest of your lives. If you love each other there is no need for any ceremonial or legal arrangements.

Why would you want to marry? Is it because you don't trust each other?

In fairness most women want security, for most marriage is the way to get that.
The alternative is a bequest in his will, which is fine as long as the will remains unchanged or indeed unchallenged. Marriage guarantees the surviving spouse will be provided for, even if it may not be all that’s expected.
There is another thread current where the OP is insecure because her husband won’t reassure her there is provision in his will.
This kind of uncertainty spoils many relationships and really should be avoided.

David49, oh gracious, what century do you live in?

Norah Exactly! I had my house and mortgage long before I met and married my husband!

No, I think David is right, that most women want security. Not necessarily financial security or commitment to any offspring, but those as well.

Most women are aware that men generally want sex more than they want companionship and affection. Not always, but often.
Some women too prefer sex to companionship and affection. The culture unfortunately is 'laddish'. I imagine more often it's the woman who gets dumped.

Ah that old adage
Marriage is the price men pay for sex
Sex is the price women pay for marriage

Caleo

No, I think David is right, that most women want security. Not necessarily financial security or commitment to any offspring, but those as well.

Most women are aware that men generally want sex more than they want companionship and affection. Not always, but often.
Some women too prefer sex to companionship and affection. The culture unfortunately is 'laddish'. I imagine more often it's the woman who gets dumped.

Nobody 50 plus marries for sex these days, there is casual sex easily available if that’s what you want, you want. You marry for companionship, intimacy will be part of that, if you make her feel insecure it wont last long.

David wrote:
"Nobody 50 plus marries for sex these days, there is casual sex easily available if that’s what you want, you want. You marry for companionship, intimacy will be part of that, if you make her feel insecure it wont last long."

But both men and women over 50 sometimes do fall in love and want sex. Falling in love is not satisfied by any casual sexual encounter.

Caleo

David wrote:
"Nobody 50 plus marries for sex these days, there is casual sex easily available if that’s what you want, you want. You marry for companionship, intimacy will be part of that, if you make her feel insecure it wont last long."

But both men and women over 50 sometimes do fall in love and want sex. Falling in love is not satisfied by any casual sexual encounter.

To some women and most men casual sex is OK, most women want an emotional connection for it to be “satisfying, that might be an ongoing relationship or marriage, if you’re not married you have no security.

David, the legal ease with which one can divorce is a Casanova's charter .

I don’t agree with the ‘why marry’ comments. You are just as entitled to marry as anyone else, however I do agree that the SD will view this as a threat to her inheritance, and as much as I hate the expectations of inheritance, I can see the issue as I’m sure you do. Has your fiance explained to SD that you are having pre-nups? That should allay the concerns - it might not improve her behaviour but it’s worth a try.

If she just doesn’t like you, let her get on with it! Bit old for strops & you and your future husband shouldn’t be dictated to by her. I’m sure her father doesn’t dictate her life. Focus on your joint happiness and let him see her on her own, you can’t make people like you.

As for the ex-wife, I’d leave well alone. Their bad behaviour is often forgotten by people who don’t like the new partner (I loathe the term interloper), and really it’s not your battle, I do appreciate your frustrations though.

Caleo

David, the legal ease with which one can divorce is a Casanova's charter .

It’s not that easy in the UK and contested divorces are always expensive.
Wether you are a man or woman you need to be sure who you are marrying, most will live together for a couple of years so you should have a pretty good idea if the lifestyle and relationships suit you.

David you sound a total dinosaur my female grandkids all expect to earn as much as my male grandchildren and so far do they certainly wouldn’t marry ‘for security’ even I didn’t in the far off days I married for love even though I got that wrong
Silverbrooks you must have an amazing brain I remember some of the other stories you mention but would have never in a hundred years put them together like you have I hope you work in a police department solving crimes.
Back to main post Get on with your life and stop making a drama out of everything
Poor old chap trapped between two women

I think this person has two accounts under different names and uses both interchangeably. Her last post, along similar lines to this one, was only a few weeks before that. I remembered it because of the graphic way in which the people are described. She was given a lot of advice and then asked to have the thread deleted. She has posted many times in the past, always very long posts describing her successive troubled relationships in great detail.

Every one of them is a drama. I recognise a pattern which is this. It is always about the other women in the man’s life: First it was her stepmother, then (amongst other things) her former husband’s female colleages and friends, then her previous fiancé’s daughter and now her latest fiancé’s daughter.

In only May 2024, she wrote that she was still desperately in love with her fiancé (the previous one) and bereft that they were parting. She described in another post how she and her children lived in a caravan in his garden (his own home being too squalid to live in) and was hoping the council would rehouse her.

Just two months later, in late July 2024, this is the first complaint about the latest fiancé’s daughter:

www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/1338815-Troublesome-children-opinions-please

I have met a fabulous partner. We are compatible in so many ways … I had slight alarm bells due to huge differences in how we both function. I have two children and always have had to work full time … His daughter on the other hand is looked after by a very wealthy farming family plus husband, 4 kids under 12...yet in three months has managed 4 trips abroad and one in this country without children … she is an utter princess and I am very careful not to tread on her toes when it comes to her relationship with her dad … They are very close and she is definitely used to everyone running around after her despite my partner maintaining his daughter is the picture of an independent woman. So, slightly green eyes monster aside...I accept we are different but hoped to be able to gently become accepted into the family. I don't want things to change for her and her relationship with her dad and I am adamant about impeding on their time...however, did spend some time with her yesterday. It was an utter nightmare. She talked about herself and the kids the whole time … The thing is, my last relationship broke my heart entirely. I am probably still not over the nastiness of my exes children and the thought of it happening again is awful ..and it is!! They are clearly threatened …

OP claims here: I don't dislike any of his family. So why was she already calling his daughter an utter princess? Clearly she isn’t using the phrase as a term of endearment.

If I were to put on an amateur psychologist’s hat, OP is looking for a father figure (she has admitted as much herself), is constantly looking for signs of acceptance or rejection and to be the winner in some imagined contest over a man. This is her writing in February 2022:

I grew up in what used to be called a "broken home" and my sisters and my mum moved away leaving me with my dad. [One might ask why?] He met a new partner and her and the children moved in. It didn't work. My step took a disliking to me straight away … Fast forward to my own adulthood, I worked full time in care settings … met a much older man and became a step mum at 20. It hasn't surprised me that I looked for a father figure … Fast forward a few years and I meet a lovely man [she’s talking about the last one - the oddball in the opening post here - not this latest]. A friendship then relationship developed. I have never felt love like it, we are engaged, but two years on his 15 year old daughter still can't accept me … she runs circles around her dad … I can’t believe that at my age, I still don’t seem to deserve unconditional love from someone.... Its honestly like my childhood all over again … I’m losing again.

Of her former husband, she wrote: My husband works in a female-dominated environment and these women have often been quite off with me. There it is again.

From her previous posts, OP is now 48. The latest man she is planning to marry must be at least 70 based on the final paragraph of the opening post. So he’s old enough to be her father, hence the discussions in the first week about what the age difference could mean for the future. He has been divorced for 30 years. One might assume he has had other relationships in the meantime so one has to question why this rush - becoming engaged to a woman young enough to be his daughter within weeks of meeting?

From an objective POV, I can understand why his daughter might be upset about what happened so very quickly. Money may be a factor but if she is married into a wealthy family why would it bother her that much? This man has two other children and perhaps other grandchildren so one would expect his eventual estate to be divided among them all.

I suspect the daughter’s angst is more about the 22 year or more age gap, the haste of the engagement and OP’s own background, particularly her very recent four-year relationship with this other man in the village and his family’s lifestyle. OP herself described her disgust at the way they lived and behaved so she shouldn’t be surprised if others in such a small community see it in a similar way. OP tries to play down that relationship now but it was a huge deal for four years according to her posts here but within weeks she's engaged again to someone else and another saga begins.