Suffocated in a marriage

Caleo

Allira, I read your post as moped the thing with wheels that needs spare parts

😀

Our day today consisted of a trip to Spec Savers. Not very exciting in itself but we had lunch out in a chain of restaurants which offered buy a meal and get one free. We also had a dessert and by the time we finished it was 3 pm. We trotted around the precinct looking in the shops and before we knew it, it was 4pm and time to drive home. It broke the day up. We also try to go to a National Trust, the coast or somewhere every week but not always on the same day. It works for us.

Try doing lots of new things with or without your husband. They can be from the simple of trying something new to eat or walking a different way through to joining a new group or a visit to somewhere you have never been. Almost get into a habit of trying something new as often as possible. It is really freeing.

Actively go and do different things to one another as it gives you things to talk about. If he finds you are out and about more, he will probably do the same. If you can, get outside for a walk every day as it is so good for your mood.

I live in central London but my nearest U3A means three bus rides. My dodgy knee means I am scared of clambering onto the first bus. By the time I reach U3A it would be afternoon and time to get three buses home. I did manage it once and found most people fast asleep on their table. No incentive for me to return.

I didn’t get on with my local U3A group either. Found it very cliquey. Used to enjoy going to the gym and afterwards the sauna. There was an interesting bunch of people that used to go in the evening with quite an age range. I stopped going because of covid but may start again. I really miss it. My dodgy knee is my Achilles heel, too! Very limiting.

madeleine45 - thank you for your post.
My husband does look to me all the time for answers and ideas and while I should be flattered I’m nothing but suffocated and feel like his mother! I do go to a knitting group a couple of hours per week and love it. I also do watercolour painting, crocheting, quilting and write poems. A bit of gardening helps in the sunshine. I have some great friends who live over 200 miles away and we correspond via phone, text and email. BUT my husband is so clingy. I’ve mentioned men in sheds and U3A and he doesn’t want to go. He has his man cave but he’s not in there that much.

Thank you to everyone for you kind and generous words of advice and for taking the time to read and reply.

Hi Why. My DH is the same age as yours and the first thing he says every morning is and what are we doing today 😳 He has no motivation to think for himself and wants me to come up with ideas, it can be draining.
DH is not a mixer and wouldn’t join any groups, he has no friends either. We do have two lots of couple friends but they’re tied up with babysitting or dog sitting lately.
I’ve started branching out on my own, I’ve found two walking groups ones attached to our GPs the other is a monthly walk around the local lake. Inbetween I meet up for a coffee with a friend.
I’m sorry you’re suffering from depression this must be making everything hard work too.
Have a chat with your DH tell him how you feel and try and find more things that you can enjoy together, a pub lunch or a coffee in a beauty spot, small things first.
I’m trying my best at the moment to get us out more, sometimes it’s a disappointment, like yesterday we couldn’t find the place we were ment to be going we both ended up fed up and grumpy, better luck next time. Good luck.

Katyj

Hi Why. My DH is the same age as yours and the first thing he says every morning is and what are we doing today 😳 He has no motivation to think for himself and wants me to come up with ideas, it can be draining.
DH is not a mixer and wouldn’t join any groups, he has no friends either. We do have two lots of couple friends but they’re tied up with babysitting or dog sitting lately.
I’ve started branching out on my own, I’ve found two walking groups ones attached to our GPs the other is a monthly walk around the local lake. Inbetween I meet up for a coffee with a friend.
I’m sorry you’re suffering from depression this must be making everything hard work too.
Have a chat with your DH tell him how you feel and try and find more things that you can enjoy together, a pub lunch or a coffee in a beauty spot, small things first.
I’m trying my best at the moment to get us out more, sometimes it’s a disappointment, like yesterday we couldn’t find the place we were ment to be going we both ended up fed up and grumpy, better luck next time. Good luck.

It sounds like our lives. I have three kids. I’m estranged from my daughter. I’ve tried so hard to get her back into our lives but to no avail. My eldest son and his family are so busy but I make sure we see them at least once every 2-3 months. My youngest son is my saviour. He lives 100 miles away but always phoned me once per week plus I see him once every 1-2 months. Without him I would give up. My DH is not their dad.
He sometimes sits reading his phone or laptop all day. I go out as much as I can but I’ve been suffering with a lot of headaches lately which I think is anxiety and stress related on top of the blooming depression.

Sorry to hear about the headaches what a nuisance. I went through a patch like that about ten years ago, they were related to stress although I didn’t realise at the time.
Might be a good idea to get checked out at the Drs for reassurance.
We look after DGC twice a week which seems to fill in our week, thank goodness for them. I’m sorry to hear about you DD sometimes life doesn’t turn out as we expected it to and it must be very stressful for you, no wonder you have headaches.
My DH loves his laptop too it’s a wonder his neck doesn’t ache, he’s a sports fan so apparently there’s always something to check or look at. 😳 I hope you feel better very soon and you can enjoy the better weather. Take care.

I think there are a lot of men out there like this. My husband enjoys DIY and the Men's Shed and walking the dogs, but he also enjoys doing jigsaws on his tablet, Soduku and what I "judge" to be silly games, sometimes for hours! It does infuriate me it seems such a waste of his remaining years.

He never suggests a trip out it is always me. He does come along and I love him very much but I feel he is wasting his life away.

I have tried to interest him in the U3A but he won't go. Although TBH at a local U3A piano group the leader said "you don't join the U3A to make friends" which I thought was rather depressing.

I joined lots of U3A groups when I retired but found they weren't what I expected, so now I am only in 3 groups. I haven't made any friends despite making overtures so content to just go for the interest topic.

I do do voluntary work which is fulfilling.

I go to several groups at our U3A. I must be lucky that our local one is big and active.

Several women, although presumably happily married, come without their partners. Infact, when I think about it, these are the ladies who lead the groups.

The majority of members of U3A are women, partly because we live longer. A few men come by themselves but there are also many couples.
All very traditional with men as both convener and IT expert. Women on the desk welcoming, keeping the records and making the tea......

I'm a widow and my DH wasn't interested in joining U3A. He had plenty of his own interests though and sang in a choir.
I guess there are no rules or guidebooks to a fulfilled life whether you are single or not.

It does sound as if your marriage has lost its zing and the question what do you do about it.
Changing him now might be like trying to push a snowball up a hill in a heatwave - BUT there might be a shared activity you could enjoy.
Or you could keep on fretting and making yourself miserable.
Or you could cut your losses (drastic) and leave him (the Mumsnet LTB method)
Or similarly cut your losses and just accept that life has to be different.
Let it wash over you, do your own thing like many many women do and don't let it bring you down.
As a wiser woman than I once said on her DH's retirement "I married him for better or for worse, but NOT FOR LUNCH"

I think you could look at it another way. Be thankful that you do not have a controlling husband as many have. My DH is similar to yours in that he asks me what we are doing each day but he is happy to fit in with anything I want to do. I regard myself as lucky.

He is always cheerful, always amenable and allows me to please myself.
Also he is still here - so many husbands are not.

Sometimes a partner not wanting to socialise is a form of control, though. We used to go to one particular social event that I looked forward to all year but once the discussion had ended and people stayed behind to chat my partner ( who does most of the driving) would announce that it was time to go home. Partly my fault for not being a confident driver, but any event we go to we have to arrive extremely early and leave early, too.

dragonfly46

I think you could look at it another way. Be thankful that you do not have a controlling husband as many have. My DH is similar to yours in that he asks me what we are doing each day but he is happy to fit in with anything I want to do. I regard myself as lucky.

He is always cheerful, always amenable and allows me to please myself.
Also he is still here - so many husbands are not.

🥰

Yes, I should count my blessings because one of my friend’s husband died about two years ago.

Maybe it’s me and I enjoyed my own space for five years before he retired and I had my time to myself until the weekend. Plus we both worked so hard that I never saw some of his irritating ways but I’m no saint! I think I’m mourning the loss of those days. And I also have so many other things crushing me.
I’m still going backwards and forwards to drs and hospital because of these headaches. One of my telephone friends thinks that I am stressed and this is the cause of my headaches.
Thank you to everyone.

dragonfly46

I think you could look at it another way. Be thankful that you do not have a controlling husband as many have. My DH is similar to yours in that he asks me what we are doing each day but he is happy to fit in with anything I want to do. I regard myself as lucky.

He is always cheerful, always amenable and allows me to please myself.
Also he is still here - so many husbands are not.

That’s so lovely. Xx

If on your own admission, you are stressed it occurs to me you might be projecting your depression on your DH. Perhaps nothing he does is right - what you describe sounds pretty much like many 70 year old men. If spending a day together is suffocating you I don’t hold out much hope for shared activities.
For what it is worth, I would address your current depression and not try to “excuse” it by your marital dissatisfaction.
If you can’t bear to be with him, make your own life but please seek help for your current mental state first.

I don’t think older men regard being on phones/tablet and playing games on them or watching sport on tv or re-runs of Inspector Morse and so on as wasting their remaining years.
My Dad enjoyed the leisure aspect of doing what he felt like.

You have my sympathy. My oh has no interest in doing anything around the house, making a meal or tidying the garden. He spends most days playing computer games or falling asleep watching TV. He only perks up when he meets up with old friends from work and they go to the pub. He won't socialise otherwise just makes excuses. He was dragging me down with him until I decided to do things without him. Visited garden centre, went on train to Manchester also Liverpool. Coach trip to Chatsworth House and have more planned. I could go on but you have to improve your outlook if he won't change his.

My oh has no interest in doing anything around the house, making a meal or tidying the garden

Why on earth should he?
Making meals has presumably been your prerogative throughout your married life and the kitchen your “domain” and not everybody is interested in gardening! .
Frankly I have no interest in doing things round the house, but needs must as there’s nobody else to do them.

When a person is struggling, they perhaps don't need to be told to be grateful their partner is still alive.

It sounds a challenging set of circumstances.Depression is a nasty thing, perhaps work at chipping away at this? To feel crushed and suffocated isn't good at all.

Thank you for all of your helpful and thoughtful comments.

Good post lafergar.

lafergar - thank you.