My adult children are estranged from each other.

My sister did something that really hurt my daughter and I wrote to her telling her I no longer wanted a relationship with her bar a civil one at family events. She wrote to my other children to try to get them on her side but they wrote back politely and told her that until she apologised for her behaviour to my daughter they would be distancing themselves. She then wrote nasty emails to them about me telling all sorts of lies. From the start I told them they were under no pressure from me to take sides. Somehow I was the one ostracised on my father’s side. That hurt.
However, when my mum became ill I decided to bury the hatchet for her sake. Most of the time it works but every now and then my sister blows up about how we all abandoned her and when I calmly say that actions have consequences she can’t take any responsibility for her actions. She has found herself cut off from her own children and I feel very sad that she can’t see her part in it all. She just doesn’t seem to help herself and I find myself torn between sympathy and frustration at her destructive nature.
I have made up my mind that once my Mum has gone I will do my best to keep things on an evil keel but I am not going to put up with toxic behaviour. Life is just too short.
My daughter has a fractious relationship with her brothers but I try not to get involved as it can blow up in my face without me even trying. It’s difficult because I hate it when they fall out but they are such different personalities it was always likely to happen. Usually things blow over and I hop they always will.

Yes i think that was the start of the ice- breaking, one or other of them would ask how the nephews/neices were, etc.But once they felt 'free' i think of their partners 'putting a spoke in' then they realised why were they still estranged? Im glad they made up before i was in hospital etc as its obvious its genuinely because theyve missed each other, not just feeling like they have to, for my sake

My son and daughter haven't spoken or seen each other for at least 8 yrs . In the past when I would try mediation each would say practically the same derogotive things about each other I gave up a long time ago . No family Christmases or special times .

My children also struggle to get on. They are very different people really, but they do make an effort sometimes.

It used to hurt me a lot that we were not a family 'unit' and felt like some sort of failure.

Now I look at it very differently in that they both feel free to be themselves and accept they will never be as close as they were when children. Life is just like that sometimes.

I do tell them it hurts though. I feel I have two families- maybe it's a curse, maybe it's a blessing...? Not much I can do to change it really.

Oh my goodness. They sound absolutely horrible 😢

The dispute was of their making and should be of their mending. As you have no knowledge of what happened and neither has disclosed to you, they obviously do not want your opinion or interference. Very hard but you can't make people like one another. Perhaps time will heal.

None of my four children get on well, they're all very different. I do make attempts to reconcile them and, although three of them did come to our recent anniversary party, they barely spoke and are obviously still estranged. I don't know what went on, but something clearly is wrong and I can't get to the bottom of it.

Growing up my sister and i drifted apart having been close as children though we could fight like cat and dog.

We would still see eachother at family events but it wasn't until our DM died that we realised she had manipulated us both for years.

That was 15 years ago and now we are the best of friends although I wouldn't go on holiday with her!

Of my own DC, the 3rd and 4th are close but the older two can wind eachother up very quickly. I think they are jealous for some reason and their partners don't get on.
It's a pity but I think they love eachother deep down. I hope so. I hope that when I'm gone they'll look after eachother.

Also I have to be careful not to praise their children too much as it looks like favouritism. I miss DH so much as he and I could share our pride. I have no-one now.

How sad all these messages make me feel. Having just shared a villa in Greece to celebrate my 70th with 2 daughters 2 son in laws and 5 grandchildren I feel so very lucky. We all get on so well, the children too, and we always really try to give as much as we can to make our time together special. I think that because my middle daughter died 10 years ago it makes us especially close. It’s very special and I now realise, maybe not as common as I thought.

Lovely Wyllow 😍

Let them work it out. It’s a terrible position for a mum to be in. It’s also a lose-lose. No matter your intentions, getting involved is likely to lead to someone accusing you of taking the other’s side or meddling. I’m sorry you’re this situation. It’s very hard.

Maybe with a special birthday coming up, a time to say as a birthday present you’d like them all to be there… see what happens. If one of them doesn’t, then have a 2nd celebration. Good luck.

It’s not down to you to fix it, they are adults who are old enough to fix things themselves. It’s very common although yes hurtful for mum and dad

Cabbie21 - Personally I don't like the word 'interfering' and would rather talk about 'not getting involved' as the former has a negative connotation whereas it's perfectly possible to be involved without being seen to interfere. It's sad when siblings fall out as adults, especially since at the end of their lives its their siblings who will have shared early memories with them. I would ask each one if they'd be prepared to work with a family systems therapist to try to find a resolution for the sake of their children who are cousins, who share a lot of DNA and who might need each other in the future. If they aren't prepared to do that, then you will at least never say to yourself that you didn't try. If they agree, you can find a family systems therapist on the BACP counselling website, on their Directory of Therapists. Good luck.

That’s a great point about cousins, GoldenAge.

It so sad to hear these stories . My now AC got on as kids , fought like cat and dog as teenagers , but in their twenties started to get on again and at 31 and 34 are really close . They socialise together and are there for each other .
I’m close to my siblings as is my DM but my DH family were always falling out . My fil who was one of 7 was estranged from one brother and 2 sisters . As a result my dh doesn’t have a relationship with those cousins .