I have a good relationship with my DD- who lives a fair distance away so we see each other about every two months or so.
In between we have developed a routine of talking on the phone twice a week usually once in the week she rings me and then at the weekend I ring her. We've been doing this for a couple of years.
Recently she told me that I am the only person she speaks to on the phone- she is far more used to texting and sometimes we text each other for practical purposes too, but the messages are short and to the point.
I have always enjoyed chatting to people on the phone, and will choose it over texting as you get the information you need much more quickly but I also enjoy having conversations.
However, I have noticed a tendency in my DD to seem as if talking on the phone to me is becoming more of a chore. I know she is busy but after some recent exchanges I do feel as if she doesn't really want to talk that much and sometimes the conversations are strained. I usually end the call and feel uneasy, as I have done today.
It feels as if she doesn't want to be bothered and it is making me wonder if I should just wait until she rings me once a week. Today I mentioned something she admitted to knowing nothing about, as if I should have told her before, but the calls are often not long enough for me to tell her all the family news etc and I don't want her to feel left out.
I'm just wondering if she would rather send text messages even though I never use them for conversations?
Do others use texting for long exchanges or should I just stick to my phone calls and ignore what is becoming an attitude?
I'm aware this is long and possibly trivial but I don't want to stress her out if she's finding these phone calls difficult.
Any advice here appreciated thanks.
Go on What’s App as others have suggested.
I think your daughter will be very pleased if you do that seeing as she prefers texting too.
You can also send photos and videos if you wish.
My mum and I spoke at least once a day and sometimes twice. I miss her so much now she is no longer here and wish my phone would ring to hear her voice again.
Just chatted to a close friend on the phone for more than an hour and I'll be seeing her in a few days!
I think the art of having a good conversation may be dying- messaging just isn't the same.
It has its place, obviously, but can't replace the direct exchange of humour, empathy, accepting differing opinions and learning from other's experiences as well as finding plenty of common ground that helps form life-long bonds.
My GC are all of an age where we can have face to face conversations and we rarely speak over the phone, never by text. This I feel is a great grounding for them to accept differences and especially organic and nuanced discussion you just don't get any other way.
Yes, me and me mum did used to phone often and yes it did drive me nuts at times but I also valued the time we had to just be with each other on a one-to one basis when no one else was there. Precious really.
Guilty as charged. I’m in my 70 s but hate phone chat & im much like your daughter . I don’t know why . Happy to stay in contact with what’s app.
I hate speaking on the phone and texting is my go to means of communication. I see my DD every day and she sometimes phones me to see if I need anything bringing back . I also see my sons several times a month so no need for phone calls and I usually text my teenage grandchildren just occasionally.
Until recently DD lived in Dubai. She drove to work every day and phoned me while driving home. Much as I enjoyed talking to her it did take a big chunk out of my day as I'm often busy despite being retired. I never rang her as it was too costly for me. She often used WhatsApp to video call but I couldn't call her that way as she needed to use a VPN so needed to be at home. I got out of the habit of calling her and mostly messaged in the various WhatsApp groups.
In May she returned to the UK and is living 200 miles away. She now doesn't drive every day as she often uses public transport. I ended up calling her as I hadn't heard from her for over a week. I find WhatsApp great as we have family groups and get pictures and videos of the GC from DS and DiL who are also 200 miles away. I usually wait for them to video call me as I know they have a very busy life with both working and 2 small children.
When my mum was alive she only had a landline phone and we used to chat once a week. As she got older she started to forget whose turn it was to call and it would end up being me who always called her. We had an agreed time as I too mostly used my landline despite having a mobile. I only got a smart phone after her death and having a mobile phone contract has completely changed my phone use. Messaging to arrange a good time to chat is a good option too.
Sounds like things are changing for you on the communication front…
How about a combination of texting, WhatsApp and email? With email you can feel like you’re imparting whatever family news there is, and your daughter can read the news at a time of her choosing.
I use a combination of all 3, and often leave emails in my Drafts folder if I’m not sure I’ve got the tone right! ‘Sleeping on it’ and then sending.
WhatsApp is great for short chats; texting too.
Time for change, maybe? Good luck
I’m all for messenger for the reasons Maybe70 said. Not intrusive can be spontaneous; keeps a thread record. So useful. I find phone calls somewhat presumptuous and intrusive! I know! Many men I know prefer phoning because they can’t be bothered with text. Having to put things down in words also makes you think and if you are not in the mood then no pressure. (How are you locked out of Facebook Maybe70! ?I hope you fix it. )
For some reason I don’t ever write much on sms more telegrammy. Short, practical. I don’t use WhatsApp ( prejudiced!) I love Messenger
My son is terribly difficult to get by phone but always responds to messages quickly. Often with just pictures.
We all have baggage here. My mum used to ring me at least once a week and always spent about an hour or more. Till I began to hate it. When she finally finished her monologue and knew I was needing to get on she’d ask me how I was. By that time I had had enough and just said. I’m fine ( just let me go). It was a bind but also at times a blessing. I used to know so much about sons of cousin’s wives..😄 and miss her deeply.
Well, me and DD are outliers! I'm almost 80, she's 53 and lives 100s of miles away. We speak on WhatsApp most days while preparing our respective evening meals. She cooks for DSiL while I get mine. Student-age GSs are also happy to speak via WhatsApp.
You clearly value your calls, but maybe your daughter prefers texting more now. Trying a mix of texts for updates and calls for deeper chats might help. Staying connected in whatever way works best for both of you is what counts
Problem is, phone calls disrupt and cut across what you are doing - whether you are driving, watching a film, out with friends, snoozing.......they need to be answered or shut off. Texts don't have to be answered .......you can read them when you are able and reply when you are able. It lets people organise their own days as they wish.
You're absolutely right StoneofDestiny, it's akin to butting into another conversation, literally, albeit unintentionally. Obviously, there are times when it really is imperative, but I'm always hesitant when it comes to phoning in a personal context in case I'm interrupting anything.
Unless, of course, you have a regular time to ring each other each week - which is what happens in our case. Whoever rings who, the call is expected.
On those rare occasions that a phone call does come at an inconvenient time, you just apologise, agree a convenient time, and ring back.
There is nothing to beat the freeflow of a conversation that wanders here there and everywhere, like a casual cnversation over coffee. Actually DD and I usually settle down with a cup of tea each while we enjoy each others company.
I always message my two grown up children. Never phone unless urgent. That way they are free to respond (or not) when its convenient for them. Fair play to them though they nearly always msg back either immediately or within an hour.
“There is nothing to beat the freeflow of a conversation that wanders here there and everywhere, like a casual cnversation over coffee. Actually DD and I usually settle down with a cup of tea each while we enjoy each others company.”
This is my wife mantra, when a friend phones or visits, I know it’s going to last a long time she will natter for ages, over 2 hours is the record.
You just cannot do that in a message.
I'd abandon the phone calls if I were you, just isn't used so much nowadays. I use several different platforms like WhatsApp, Messenger, Zoom. Teams, Instagram, email etc but seldom text messaging. You can set up group chats on apps and I often have a 4way video call. on WhatsApp with dds/dil. I actually prefer a video call as it's good to see faces when talking. I do everything from my phone - amazing piece of technology. Thank goodness I had it in hospital during Covid, could have gone stir crazy without it!
Well I didn't get my usual phone call slot from DD. I shall send her a text and take it from there...
Thanks for all your responses.
Use WhatsApp to set up a group chat. I'm an introvert and hate speaking on the phone.
I've been with my husband for 4 years and genuinely spoken to him on the phone about 3 times 🤣, we message each other - in fact that's how we met 😁
My phone is permanently on silent.
NotSpaghetti
You are right M0nica - sometimes we have to just "set eyes on" our loved ones.
And have a hug.
Which isn't a phone call though 🤨🤣
I messaged her- she rang me back- we chatted for about 30 minutes and had a few laughs.
Equilibrium is restored.
Glad to hear that!😊
My daughter facetimes us on a Sunday evening, we see her and hear her, our SIL and our chillibeans.
If you need to hear your ACs voices, tell them. Explain that you know it's generational thing but you need it and would appreciate them taking the time for a 15 minute conversation once a week... if my daughter and SIL can facetime us and his parents once a week for up to an hour for each facetime call, then I'm sure most adult children can spare 15 minutes. I know they are very busy, our daughter is a Doctor of Philosophy and lectures at Oxford university and our SIL is quite high up in an auditing firm and often works evenings and weekends but they still find time for us and his parents.
Most of my family are shift workers. I always send a WhatsApp message asking if they are free for a call before phoning if I want to speak to them. I never know when they will be in bed so I do this to avoid waking them. Quite often they are free and I get a message straight back, often leading to a phone call if one of us has a lot to say. Other times, I will get a message back asking if they can respond a bit later. This suits all of us just fine as no-one feels under pressure to speak right now if we are busy. One daughter has a 30 minute drive to work and will often ring me (hands free) on her way there or back a couple of times a week if it’s quiet en route. She might not have anything specific to tell me but we do enjoy our little chats. She and her husband are on holiday abroad at the moment and she has been sending lovely WhatsApps of the scenery (and plates of delicious food!)
My wonderful granddaughter had a baby a few months ago and she sends regular WhatsApps of things he does, which is lovely. I see them a couple of times a week as well so the WhatsApps are a very welcome treat for me. I feel very included in his little life which a great-grandmother might not normally be.
I love the set up we all have, particularly as we all live within 10 miles of each other and see one another regularly. I am very lucky.
Omaju
My daughter facetimes us on a Sunday evening, we see her and hear her, our SIL and our chillibeans.
If you need to hear your ACs voices, tell them. Explain that you know it's generational thing but you need it and would appreciate them taking the time for a 15 minute conversation once a week... if my daughter and SIL can facetime us and his parents once a week for up to an hour for each facetime call, then I'm sure most adult children can spare 15 minutes. I know they are very busy, our daughter is a Doctor of Philosophy and lectures at Oxford university and our SIL is quite high up in an auditing firm and often works evenings and weekends but they still find time for us and his parents.
And the relevance of your daughter being a ‘doctor of philosophy and lecturing at Oxford university’, and your SIL being ‘quite high up in an auditing firm’ is?? You could have just said your daughter is a lecturer and your SIL works evenings and weekends.
Oh hang on, it’s called boasting!
Exactly Leopard - which is what M0nica was saying.
Not at all the intimacy of both people being present. Just as a phone call womderful though it is does not compare with physically being with someone you love.
...and I was agreeing with.
Sometimes even the best technology is not enough.
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