Stuck between

Several women I know walk on egg shells round their adult daughters - and it seems a potentially challenging relationship, more so than mothers and adult sons. I speculate that it is because the daughter is like mum - she is also a woman after all - and needs to establish her independence as an adult. So she is hyper alert to mother treating her in a way she (daughter) can interpret as 'treating me like a child' - hence the egg shells. If anything like this is going on, it is worth stepping back, giving daughter space, and know that the days when she was a child and close to you as a child are over. The best hope is for you to be able to let her go , have your own life, be friendly if or when your daughter gets in touch, and hold back from being what she may well see as interfering , when you thought all you were being was loving and helpful. I wish you well and am sorry about your pain - I hope you can create a rewarding life independent of whatever your daughter does. Stepping back gives you space as well as your daughter.

Virtual hugs
Hug DH and let him hug you.

I agree with grans here that you need to not contact her for a while, just sit back and wait for her and perhaps be less available for a while.
While you just have to accept and not feel hurt by her lack of filters (have you considered mild autism?), you need not to allow your daughter to be rude to you. When she says something, treat her like the 4-year old she is acting and tell her:
"That is so rude", "there is no need to speak to me like that", or "if you are going to be rude, I am not going to listen" and with the last one, walk away. How about "I taught you better than that"

As to mum, she will be a bit grumpy - it comes to many with age sadly often as a side effect of isolation, meds or pain. Be slower responding to her demands - you have made a rod for your own back by being there for her all the time. If the problem is that it is always you, then see what you can do to expand her support network before she affects your health.

It sounds like these issues that upset you were pretty trivial in the grand scheme of things and yet you spent a whole afternoon crying. As a previous poster said maybe you could get help with modifying your reaction. You do sound really down and perhaps could do with limiting yourself a bit to your lovely husband’s company for now, and maybe friends, to give DD and DM time to reflect on why you’re not available so much. I guess they are both good company in other ways so, if you want to see them as before, be firmly prepared not to be drawn into their minor squabbles and unkindnesses. I’ve had to learn to keep out of arguments - not easy keeping quiet - but they can’t argue with someone who isn’t reacting. I also once read on GN about saying something calmly like ‘did you mean to sound so cross/ unkind/ rude etc?’ That one’s a great idea but a bit harder for me to do. I’m keeping it in reserve for when the occasion really needs it. Sometimes I just raise my eyebrows which can work too Good luck.

I recognise this - and although I don’t cry, episodes like this dominate my thoughts and keep me awake. I definitely overthink things; and get too upset about things that are said to me. (Even sometimes by strangers!)

Finally, the penny has dropped and I am working hard to let things go, not hold onto them or let them spoil my days. It’s work in progress. I would say to try to keep a little list in mind of things that make you feel better - meeting good, sympathetic friends, being outdoors, curling up with a book and a cuppa or planning an outing with DH all work for me. I do have to work hard to let the negative thoughts go and focus on enjoying the moment but am getting better at it.

A couple of weeks ago, we decided to drive to our nearest coast, walked on the beach and took a picnic supper. It felt very indulgent - it was all about us - but it cost nothing more than the petrol. I felt tons better when we got back, with a sense of what really mattered. We were only 40 miles away but briefly out of reach and it felt like another country!

Sometimes we need to learn to invest more in ourselves. I genuinely think that in the long term, it will improve my relationships with others, as I’ll be less resentful of the hurt they sometimes cause, even when they don’t mean too.

I hope you are feeling better soon - you are getting lots of virtual hugs on here at least. 🤗

Another one sending a virtual hug.,like you hate atmosphere or arguing. I am taking time out before there is none of me left.