Boring Husband and my retirement

Blis1234

Thank you for replying to my post.
If I’m honest with myself, I’ve known for a while that our marriage is over. Its just hard to admit it, isn’t it. It’s just such a shame, as now we are free to do things and go places without having to worry, he doesn’t want to.

He’s always been a “do things my way” man. If I didn’t, he’d sulk for a week, completely blanking me. Something happened a few weeks ago and once again I got the silent treatment. My daughter was visiting and noticed how he was behaving towards me and said “ he’s not still doing that to you is he, I remember him doing that when I was younger”. I thought I’d managed to fool her when she was little that everything was ok, but obviously Kids do notice and they do remember.

Ladies, You are right, I do need to start going out and doing things on my own. He’s not going to ruin my retirement. And today, there will be no Sunday dinner on the table for him. There’s plenty of food in the fridge and freezer if he gets hungry.

So pleased you’ve decided on a course of action. I don’t think he’s likely to change very much, but if you change then he’ll have to get used to you not being around.

If you don’t want to leave the marriage just make your own life within it Go where you want, when you want, cook if you want to or not if you don’t
You ve trained him into this role !!! he’s asked …you ve jumped to attention
You obviously don’t have anything at all in common! you sleep in separate bedrooms! why are you with him, ? either leave or stay but have your own life outside of any expectations of a happy couple retirement it’s not happening, he is what he’s always been he’s not going to be different now is he ?

Bliss1234 I have wanted to post similar for a while. Early 70s everything is not what I ever expected during our wonderful early years. We are early 70s so too late to walk away. He had C last year and this year has health isuues and I have an eye problem. Get up in the morning and know every day is the same. We have had such an enjoyable life but that never can be again. He is a hoarder, house is shabby but no way we will engage to improve that. Luckily I love my children (though one is abroad, which pains me but he is in a wonderful country) and grandchildren. Have my sport which I follow and go to. State of country and world doesn't help either.

Could he be starting with dementia?

Problem number 1. You have separate bed. So he us now just like having a friend. And not a husband

I have no idea whyyy You would gave separate beds. Who's idea was that. As that means no cuddles and no closeness

Early 70s everything is not what I ever expected during our wonderful early years. We are early 70s so too late to walk away. He had C last year and this year has health issues and I have an eye problem

Why are you surprised?
Did you honestly expect love’s young dream to continue with the intensity of those wonderful early years ?
Relationships mature, people mature (or should), we grow up and if we are lucky, grow old together
Some of us are not so lucky as to get the growing old together part of the bargain.
Then factor in cancer and your own eye problems, of course things are different.
That’s what “for better, for worse, in sickness and in health “ is all about.
Do we walk away? Honestly.

Mt61

Could he be starting with dementia?

Why is everything attributed to dementia or LTB?
People grow old FFS

Humbertbear

Join U3A and join all the interest groups you can. Join WI and anything else going. You will soon make friends. How about volunteering? Go to the cinema on your own if you have to. Start a book group or a walking group. Book a holiday - lots of companies run holidays for Solos. My DH isn’t very sociable and is often unwell. I am out for at least part of almost everyday.

This is what I did, plus Trefoil guild with travel opportunities too.

For 50+ years your man has been who his job was. He is lost. He needs a new social circle. Do you have male family members who have already retired who could drag him out.

Did he have hobbies when he was in work - however far off? If so, find a daytime version and encourage him to join, even if it means you doing so for a while.

Perhaps consider a volunteering role, or even a little job. Libraries and charity shops where he could meet local people perhaps, or your local Lions etc

How about booking a UK holiday where there are organised activities to try.

Start small, get a jigsaw at home to share, invite people he knows around for coffee?

I honestly think that trying to encourage someone who does not wish to be sociable to actually be sociable is entirely impossible and a waste of the life that you have left.

You need to be out there living your life. He has chosen how he wishes to spend his retirement and you are absolutely entitled to decide how you want to spend yours.

Get out there!

What a liberated bunch of ladies we are on GN. The previous generation of wives would have put up with their husbands’ behaviour (probably because they had no choice) but from the advice given to
Blis1234 that’s not the case these days. However, packing up and leaving after so many years is probably not as easy as it sounds. Would she want to leave her home? I doubt very much if he would agree to go. Maybe she doesn’t drive and doesn’t have easy access to public transport to go out on her own so relies on him. Lots of things to think about.
It seems to me that she somehow needs to make him listen to her complaints. She says she hasn’t been happy in the marriage for a long time but is it possible that he feels the same way? A frank and honest discussion could clear the air and, only then, could they perhaps reach some compromises. Maybe agree to share the household chores more and agree that they each do one thing each week that the other wants to do.
Blis1234 I do agree with other GN’s that you also need to build up a life for yourself such as volunteering or joining a club or a course. If you don’t drive do you have a friend who could pick you up and go for a coffee or can you afford an occasional taxi?
First things first though, have that conversation.
Good luck. Keep us informed. I’m sure we’re all thinking of you.

"Boring Husband and Retirement" needs to be pinned - I am sure many of us have this to a degree.

I m truly not sure how much a conversation is going to help try it by all means but don’t put all your faith in it He is what he is you ve obviously got into the rut with him so how does he know it’s not what you want.
He doesn’t want to go out for coffee or a walk or a drive but that doesn’t stop you! leave him to tinker around the house mending, reading, watching tv. You go out make some new friends start talking to people, help someone, admire a dog and talk to the owner, moan about the bus being late or the price of petrol, set up a little conversation, and before you know it you have a new friend to have coffee with
Find some voluntary work it’s the quickest way to make friends feel useful and give you an outlet for chat
If he goes to bed at 7 that’s ok watch what you want on TV potter in the garden go for an early evening walk round the block be open to new things Look for things to join
Don’t always be there for meal times
You ve trained him to use you as a doormat so now untrain him

It takes courage to make those initial steps to see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. You fear you'll be out of the frying pan and into the fire, it's fear of the unknown, that you'll be worse off on your own but sometimes you just have to be brave and do it.
Ask yourself "is this how I want the rest of my life to be? do I want to be tied to a man I don't love and who treats me as a housekeeper/doormat, who sulks and doesn't even try to bring a little bit of brightness to my life?"
If you really can't see a future that isn't bleak and loveless, be true to yourself and plan a way out of the marriage before you're too old to make a fresh start and you're trapped in your rut for good.
If he won't talk, maybe have a chat with your daughter who may help? she sounds sympathetic and understands your situation. I do think you need to see a solicitor to get advice though and make those first steps. If your husband knows you're not going to put up with the life you have anymore, it might be the kick up the backside he needs or he may even agree to a divorce, either way, it's no good bemoaning your plight on GN, you need to do something about it yourself.
Good luck Bliss and let us know how you get on

I totally agree that you need to get your own life and circle of friends. Lots of good suggestions already.
You could start small, and cheaply with no fuss, by using your bus pass to go out for the day on a visit to a nearby town or somewhere interesting.

butterandjam

"He barely communicates, rarely makes eye contact."

So how come you even notice (or care) when he's "doing the silent treatment". ?

What you have is unpaid staff to mind the house and act as unpaid security, take in parcels, deal with the window cleaner , do his own laundry etc while you're free as a bird to go gallivanting. Or have a duvet day with your library books and podcasts. Take off on a cheap last minute flight to (anywhere in Europe) and book a BB when you arrive. While you're out having fun, splash out your pension on some fish and chips or a nice pub lunch with a glass of wine. Go for coffee and cake with a neighbour, or by yourself.

Don't cook for him; he can help himself to cereal for breakfast, a cheese sandwich for lunch and ham salad for dinner.Or he could order a months supply of ready made dinners to microwave. This is liberation for him too! No more pestering to "do things together".

Butter and Jam, will you marry me?

Unlike 1 person who has posted 3 times on this thread I won't use the "f word" or be rude and unsympathetic.

Like others I suggest you stop making his meals, making his bed, doing his laundry, which I'm sure won't come easy to you, as you're obviously a caring wife. Find interests of your own and leave him to his own grumpiness. Life is too short
Sending gentle hugs, thinking of you xx

Crossstitchfan ..... ''poisoning the food the bast*rd demands?''

Sorry to laugh! I love your humour!

I'd have poisoned him, too!

Carmen54

Problem number 1. You have separate bed. So he us now just like having a friend. And not a husband

I have no idea whyyy You would gave separate beds. Who's idea was that. As that means no cuddles and no closeness

We have separate bedrooms. The reason is simple: one of us is a very light sleeper; the other is a very heavy snorer.

Astitchintime

What a miserable old bugger he is!
I would not be cooking his dinner and clearing away after he leaves the table…….in fact I would be encouraging his to take an active part in meal planning and preparation as well as doing the food shopping. There’s no guarantee that he will never be on his own………how will he cope without the basic skills in life?

As for going out, do was a pp said, join WI and/or u3a and broaden your horizons by yourself, for yourself. You are not his housekeeper. In your position I would be going out for the day, even taking the service bus to the next town would be an excursion and a change for you. Leave him to his own devices for a few hours OP, his belly will find his brain.

A few years back, I decided to let DH cook (or take me out or otherwise provide the food) a couple of nights a week. We were both working full-time & I had previously been a "weekend commuter" for a few years, during which time DH bought a whole library of cookbooks & became a good cook, cooking for himself in the week.
It sounds easy to say "don't cook for him" but on his cooking nights I would remind him when he's cooking at the beginning of the week, then we would get home & we would wait, & wait - about 9 oclock he would say "I'd better get something" & go to the supermarket to get a stir-fry or to the takeaway (even takeaway, I didn't get a choice, I had what he decided to order for me)
This despite him being a bit disgruntled if his dinner wasn't on the table at 6.30 on the nights I was cooking.
It seems wasteful to me to cook & eat seperately, especially as I cook from scratch & wouldn't want to live off beans on toast. So we eventually went back to me cooking all the time.
It is easy to say, don't cook or don't do this, that, the other but if you have a stubborn (manipulative?) partner, it's not possible to change their behaviour just by being assertive.
I think the OP's partner is mean as well as boring - but maybe he's finding changed circumstances difficult, as I can't believe he was this nasty throughout their marriage. Maybe he'll come to terms with her retirement. If not, definitely leave.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Are you sure you still want to be married to this lazy, selfish ignoramus?!

He sounds more like a flatmate or roomie sharing your house than your husband!

I've no doubt he also has his good side and is probably a good husband to you in other ways, but I personally couldn't cope with such a situation.

Separating can be extremely difficult for you.... this is coming from me, who has never married! ... but he's ignoring you, not sometimes, but all of the time. For hours.

Give him ONE chance only by sitting him down and explaining how you feel, what he's making you feel like and ask him to at least tidy his meal things away and wash up.

Remind him you're his wife, not his unpaid skivvy or his babysitter.

Don't be angry if you sit him down, just explain quietly.

If he won't budge, makes excuses, and so on, then I'd file for divorce, or at least just let him get on with his boring life and don't do anything else for him.

Let him make his own meals, do his own laundry, buy his own shopping, etc.

Crossstitchfan .... itching powder in his pants! Fantastic idea! Then Blis1234 can tell him to do his own washing!

This is going to drive you crazy and you are not alone.
I know of three women , who live in a different part of the house from their husbands , go out all the time and even go on holiday with friends .
They all say the same things - he is boring , grumpy and they have grown apart .
I asked them if they've tried confrontation about the situation and each said that it made no difference at all .
You have a right to enjoy your life -go out to things which you enjoy and make new friends .
And ignore him .

Add another to your list Esmay. It's hard at times but is the only option for some.