Feels as if husband is blackmailing me

Readandcook
We've been married for 5 yrs been together for 12..we have separate bank accounts,works for us.If he says he's going to leave in two months tell him to go now,why wait? it's emotional blackmail and so wrong

If I were in your position, I will be reluctant to use the inheritance to cancel his mortgage especially if his mortgage is huge eg, £250k or more.

That will be a good chuck of your inheritance which should by right go to your children since it came from your parents.

If you love him and don’t want to separate, I suppose you can open a joint account and share your income. I guess the reason he is pushing for shared income is he intends to quit his job in the near future which he can only do if you support him financially by sharing your income.

Given he's threatening to leave if you don't comply with his wishes l would be even more careful about supporting him further. If it does end he could apply for spousal maintenance.

I have taken the liberty of copy/pasting something from your opening post plus your subsequent replies. It helps me (and perhaps others) to focus on what you have told us, unmuddied by other comments and personal anecdotes.

We have very differing wealth with myself being very wealthy due to inheritance and working hard to pay off my mortgage years ago. That house is rented and our home I bought outright 2 years ago due to family [parents] business property being sold.

We were both working full time then and I had not come into this inheritance and wealth at that time. My parents worked so hard to enable us to be in this good position (who are us?) and I just feel why should I pay his debt off ( mortgage) when he made this poor choice way before I knew him.

I just feel as if he’s throwing his toys out of the pram because he feels inferior and is concerned re his financial situation.

We said that bills would be split 50/50. When we married it was fine and yes we just shared.

It’s been since I bought our house that there have been issues. This month he has refused to pay his half of the bills and said he will be leaving in 2 months!!! We have just come back from a lovely holiday so this is a bit of a shock but this is the third time he is saying he is going to leave.

We have known each other 4 half years and married for 3. He is 67 and bought his house when he was 58. Before that he was in a rental for 7 years paying £1300. His mortgage is the same and his tenant pays £800 so he is left with a shortfall of £500 which he has to fund. The cruise was 5k (the car and the log burner were 5k each).

His son is going through separation and my husband has been helping him financially too- that is fine obviously as we would always help our adult children.

He definitely wanted the log burner and we chose together. I assumed that he would contribute to it as such a nice asset to our home. But no he threatened to leave then when I politely asked him.

It seems as if small proportion are maybe siding with him but the vast majority with me!I know shouldn’t take sides at all and we just want what’s fair. (Why the glee that so many agree with you? You asked AIBU and some us think you are.)

Yes I do love him, we have had some great times together and he has helped and supported me through some difficult times especially the death of my brother in July.

But I can’t stand this unsettled time when he threatens to leave. We both do the food shopping with our separate bank accounts. This is also an issue for him as he thinks it should come out of a joint account but to me it’s not an issue at all. This again points to being hard up.

Of course I do not want us to separate. I had booked 2 holidays for next year too that I said I would pay for but maybe I should just cancel them as it undermines him as a man having his wife pay etc.

We only hear your side of this. I wish we could hear his.

You said he made poor choices (to rent) but you have also said he rented for only seven years before he bought his property when he was 58. Presumably this was his home before you married. What was he doing before he became a tenant age 51? Was this to do with a divorce? Was he a property owner before that? Was he hit financially by a divorce, his ex keeping the family home as she had custody of the children? That would not be an unusual situation for a man to be left in.

You were effectively in similar positions when you met. You each owned a house. You had owned yours for longer and had paid off the mortgage through hard work. His ownership is relatively recent but he is working hard now and past state retirement age to pay off his mortgage.

You each now rent out those respect properties. You enjoy the rent from yours unhampered by debt. The rent his property generates does not cover his mortage leaving him with a £500 shortfall each month. You could easily help him with this but chose not to.

You now live togther in a house that you bought outright with your inheritance. I am assuming it is owned in your name only. You expect him and he agreed to pay towards running costs. But did he also agree to share capital expenditure e.g. the log burner on a capital asset that he has no ownership of? I may be wrong but I am assuing this house is large and expensive to run so 50% of running costs could be high.

You enjoy expensive holidays having just been on a cruise costing £5000 and have already booked two more holidays for next year all paid for by you.

Do you not see what you are doing here? I think you are rather enjoying rubbing his nose into the fact that you are now so much better off than him. Before that it was just a matter of timing, that you had owned your property longer so had had more time to pay off the mortgage. You now have the luxury of retirement while he is still working four days a week past retirement age in what is probably a minimum wage and physically demanding job.

You seem to enjoy bragging about how you spend money. I bought a log burner for x. I spent y on a car. I spent z on a cruise. I have already booked two more holidays paid for by me.

My gut feeling is that he wants out of his life with you but you are clinging on as you want a holiday companion and someone you can feel superior to now that you are a very wealthy woman. After all what is money unless you can spend and brag about it (as you are doing here). Fancy cruises are another place where people like to brag about how well off they are.

I suspect that if you did help him out, he would never hear the end of it.

If he gives his tenants notice to quit, takes possession and lives in his own property again, he’ll be able to manage on his own. He did before he met you and now he has his state pension on top of his wages. Money will be tight but at least he won’t be made to feel inferior all the time. On his own he may be entitled to some benefits to help with mortgage interest and council tax. When he can no longer work he could be entitled to pension credit. If he were to retire, sell the property and go back to renting, depending on the extent of any capital gain made, he could be entitled to pension credit, housing benefit and council tax discount. He’ll survive.

Your parents' money, or rather how you chosen to manage it, has poisoned your relationship with your husband. I think you should let him go.

The way you talk about him does suggest that you haven't really got a great relationship. I don't see much to keep him happy, if he isn't content to be "treated" to nice things by his wealthy wife, and you see him as inferior and a man who makes poor choices why are you staying. Personally I have never liked the idea of separate bank accounts, they seem to lead to a lot of arguments about who is paying for what. Our money was always pooled. Sometimes my husband would be the higher earner, and sometimes I would, but it was always "our" money. When my husband had some very generous bonuses at work they went into a savings account for holidays and emergencies.

You are very wealthy - wouldn’t you want to share it with your husband, making sure ofcourse that your children, as well, enjoy your good fortune .
Lucky you !

PaynesGrey

I have taken the liberty of copy/pasting something from your opening post plus your subsequent replies. It helps me (and perhaps others) to focus on what you have told us, unmuddied by other comments and personal anecdotes.

We have very differing wealth with myself being very wealthy due to inheritance and working hard to pay off my mortgage years ago. That house is rented and our home I bought outright 2 years ago due to family [parents] business property being sold.

We were both working full time then and I had not come into this inheritance and wealth at that time. My parents worked so hard to enable us to be in this good position (who are us?) and I just feel why should I pay his debt off ( mortgage) when he made this poor choice way before I knew him.

I just feel as if he’s throwing his toys out of the pram because he feels inferior and is concerned re his financial situation.

We said that bills would be split 50/50. When we married it was fine and yes we just shared.

It’s been since I bought our house that there have been issues. This month he has refused to pay his half of the bills and said he will be leaving in 2 months!!! We have just come back from a lovely holiday so this is a bit of a shock but this is the third time he is saying he is going to leave.

We have known each other 4 half years and married for 3. He is 67 and bought his house when he was 58. Before that he was in a rental for 7 years paying £1300. His mortgage is the same and his tenant pays £800 so he is left with a shortfall of £500 which he has to fund. The cruise was 5k (the car and the log burner were 5k each).

His son is going through separation and my husband has been helping him financially too- that is fine obviously as we would always help our adult children.

He definitely wanted the log burner and we chose together. I assumed that he would contribute to it as such a nice asset to our home. But no he threatened to leave then when I politely asked him.

It seems as if small proportion are maybe siding with him but the vast majority with me!I know shouldn’t take sides at all and we just want what’s fair. (Why the glee that so many agree with you? You asked AIBU and some us think you are.)

Yes I do love him, we have had some great times together and he has helped and supported me through some difficult times especially the death of my brother in July.

But I can’t stand this unsettled time when he threatens to leave. We both do the food shopping with our separate bank accounts. This is also an issue for him as he thinks it should come out of a joint account but to me it’s not an issue at all. This again points to being hard up.

Of course I do not want us to separate. I had booked 2 holidays for next year too that I said I would pay for but maybe I should just cancel them as it undermines him as a man having his wife pay etc.

We only hear your side of this. I wish we could hear his.

You said he made poor choices (to rent) but you have also said he rented for only seven years before he bought his property when he was 58. Presumably this was his home before you married. What was he doing before he became a tenant age 51? Was this to do with a divorce? Was he a property owner before that? Was he hit financially by a divorce, his ex keeping the family home as she had custody of the children? That would not be an unusual situation for a man to be left in.

You were effectively in similar positions when you met. You each owned a house. You had owned yours for longer and had paid off the mortgage through hard work. His ownership is relatively recent but he is working hard now and past state retirement age to pay off his mortgage.

You each now rent out those respect properties. You enjoy the rent from yours unhampered by debt. The rent his property generates does not cover his mortage leaving him with a £500 shortfall each month. You could easily help him with this but chose not to.

You now live togther in a house that you bought outright with your inheritance. I am assuming it is owned in your name only. You expect him and he agreed to pay towards running costs. But did he also agree to share capital expenditure e.g. the log burner on a capital asset that he has no ownership of? I may be wrong but I am assuing this house is large and expensive to run so 50% of running costs could be high.

You enjoy expensive holidays having just been on a cruise costing £5000 and have already booked two more holidays for next year all paid for by you.

Do you not see what you are doing here? I think you are rather enjoying rubbing his nose into the fact that you are now so much better off than him. Before that it was just a matter of timing, that you had owned your property longer so had had more time to pay off the mortgage. You now have the luxury of retirement while he is still working four days a week past retirement age in what is probably a minimum wage and physically demanding job.

You seem to enjoy bragging about how you spend money. I bought a log burner for x. I spent y on a car. I spent z on a cruise. I have already booked two more holidays paid for by me.

My gut feeling is that he wants out of his life with you but you are clinging on as you want a holiday companion and someone you can feel superior to now that you are a very wealthy woman. After all what is money unless you can spend and brag about it (as you are doing here). Fancy cruises are another place where people like to brag about how well off they are.

I suspect that if you did help him out, he would never hear the end of it.

If he gives his tenants notice to quit, takes possession and lives in his own property again, he’ll be able to manage on his own. He did before he met you and now he has his state pension on top of his wages. Money will be tight but at least he won’t be made to feel inferior all the time. On his own he may be entitled to some benefits to help with mortgage interest and council tax. When he can no longer work he could be entitled to pension credit. If he were to retire, sell the property and go back to renting, depending on the extent of any capital gain made, he could be entitled to pension credit, housing benefit and council tax discount. He’ll survive.

Your parents' money, or rather how you chosen to manage it, has poisoned your relationship with your husband. I think you should let him go.

The OP is recently bereaved, her husband has repeatedly threatened to leave his emotionally vulnerable wife unless she shares more of her money with him. He's finally threatened to leave in two months. OP is extremely upset as she loves her husband, has supported him by buying and furnishings a home for them to share and by treating them both to holidays. I read no bragging by the OP just an honest sharing of information. Maybe she would have been more open handed if she hadn't felt "blackmailed". They are probably both better out of it but I'll be surprised if he goes, he'll just stay and keep wearing her down and ultimately bleeding her dry. Beware spousal maintenance OP.

Why did you marry him? Did you know he dislikes woodburners? I do have some sympathy with him concerning woodburners.

Better get your finances the way you want them not the way your husband wants them. See your solicitor , and maybe try to find one who specialises in marriage contracts.

Readandcook Fri 03-Oct-25 15:14:55

.... I know shouldn’t take sides at all and we just want what’s fair.
Yes I do love him, we have had some great times together and he has helped and supported me through some difficult times especially the death of my brother in July.....
Of course I do not want us to separate......but we will talk tonight ( I am having to spend a lot of time with my Mum atm since my brother died which is stressful in itself) and hopefully come to a conclusion.
Thank you.

Hi ReadandCook- how are you feeling today and how was your talk with your husband last night?

Actually - re the woodburner - and I gather the experts are now starting to figure out that they are a health hazard - on a par with smoking.

Keekaboo

I have a friend who came into an inheritance of a considerable amount of money 3 weeks before she married at 50. Her husband immediately stopped work. And insisted she put her house which they lived in in both names. However she refused because she worked hard as a single parent to afford the house and just said no. She did give him a good amount to put in an isa though.and bought him a new car. It was always an issue with him about the house but she stuck to her guns and refused. She had to have him legally physically removed from the house eventually after the marriage broke down.
He passed away due to a stroke a year later. But she had endless bother from his sons demanding money from the house which she owned. Fortunately she’s a very organised person and kept every gift receipt and every bank statement so she could prove it all belonged outright to her..
It was a terrible time for her.
So really Readandcook my thoughts about your situation is it sounds like, and I’m sorry to say but does he see you as a meal ticket.
And if he’s low enough to threaten you like that well why would you let someone treat you like that.
Let him go you don’t need the stress I’m sure.

Perfect answer.
He doesn’t deserve you so get rid. Make sure your finances are all in place first and speak to a solicitor.

Deedaa

The way you talk about him does suggest that you haven't really got a great relationship. I don't see much to keep him happy, if he isn't content to be "treated" to nice things by his wealthy wife, and you see him as inferior and a man who makes poor choices why are you staying. Personally I have never liked the idea of separate bank accounts, they seem to lead to a lot of arguments about who is paying for what. Our money was always pooled. Sometimes my husband would be the higher earner, and sometimes I would, but it was always "our" money. When my husband had some very generous bonuses at work they went into a savings account for holidays and emergencies.

Personally I’ve never liked the idea of completely joint accounts. My parents had separate accounts, we did snd do do all my kids. Some separation is healthy. It’s none of my business what my husband spends his spare money on. He earned it so can choose what to do with it. I also like to keep some spending private.

Thank you to you all.
We talked so much last night and things are definitely a lot better.
I think for the first time we have been so open with each other.
I am going to help reduce his mortgage just so he doesn’t have to find that annoying £500 pm. He said that he finds it hard as our wealths are so different. He also said in hindsight why did he ever pay rent when He could have bought following his first marital home was sold as he would definitely be mortgage free now.
Helping with the mortgage will enable him to reduce his work to 3 days a week too which will be lovely.
He’s a good man and it almost feels as if we have pushed the reset button.
We both are going to try hard with communicating better and not letting things build up.
We have planned a lovely evening for tonight too and lighting the infamous log burner for the first time too this autumn/winter.
I can’t thank you all enough, I read every single post! x

So glad to read this- these honest conversations can be difficult but are so important.

You are welcome, but make sure if you reduce his mortgage, you get your share of the house if things go wrong
Good luck, and I hope things get better.

I'm glad you got everything out in the open and I wish you well for the future.

I was so pleased to read your post update Readandcook, thank you for coming back to us.

Sounds rather more promising now after that talk.

Fingers crossed.

Lovely to read your very positive update.
All my best wishes to you both.

Readandcook

Thank you to you all.
We talked so much last night and things are definitely a lot better.
I think for the first time we have been so open with each other.
I am going to help reduce his mortgage just so he doesn’t have to find that annoying £500 pm. He said that he finds it hard as our wealths are so different. He also said in hindsight why did he ever pay rent when He could have bought following his first marital home was sold as he would definitely be mortgage free now.
Helping with the mortgage will enable him to reduce his work to 3 days a week too which will be lovely.
He’s a good man and it almost feels as if we have pushed the reset button.
We both are going to try hard with communicating better and not letting things build up.
We have planned a lovely evening for tonight too and lighting the infamous log burner for the first time too this autumn/winter.
I can’t thank you all enough, I read every single post! x

Oh that is all so good!

I am almost getting tears in my eyes!

I would have sorted my finances out prior to the marriage so we were on a joint footing, I would never marry again but if I had a partner would keep separate homes. It seems he knew what he was doing and he seems too controlling for me, have you ever decided what happens when one dies, his children could get the lot whatever you pay off. unless you are Tennants in common he would inherit everything.