Feels as if husband is blackmailing me

Mamardoit

PaynesGrey

I think you are being unreasonable not least because you are making an assumption (not just about your husband but a whole demographic) than renting is a poor choice.

Everyone’s circumstances are different. There may be any number of reasons for renting and not only financial.

By your own admission your wealth comes from inheritance from parents who made money from property speculation. I think that may have given you a rather supercilious attitude.

I suspect he feels inferior because you are making him feel so.

You knew his circumstances when you met and married him. If you love him and are not just wealthy but very wealthy why would you not want to make life easier for him and share what you have? He’s working and earning so he’s not an idle man.

Have an open hand not a closed one. Pay off the mortage. If you feel you want some recompense than you can ask to take a share in the property as tenants in common to reflect your contribution.

I agree with this.

Lots of people rent because they have no choice. No bank of mum and dad. No trust fund from granny and grandpa, No inheritance. They just work and pay bills as best they can.
My son and daughter-in-law have just moved into their first home with their three little ones. They are in their mid forties and have rented until now. All their own hard work and I'm proud of them.

If you suspect he's a gold digger get financial advice. If not just help him out.

Yep.....true dat re the reason some people rent is they literally don't have any option but to do so - as their income (due to no fault of their own) is inadequate to be able to buy.

Been there/done that - as I was born a home-owner and knew that was what was supposed to happen for me and I needed it. But a combination of being single (always) and poorly-paid (always) in an area that wasnt cheap = "Where's my house? Why can't I afford it? It's not my fault". I got one in the end - but it was 10 years late and a long story that is mainly down to "lucky chance - right place right time" and my intuition. If I'd not had that lucky chance or I'd not had a degree of intuition = I could be sitting here in my 70's and still not own a home (and still thinking "But I AM a home-owner and I've tried my best to get one - but I couldnt").

Yep.....you have said a lot of your money isn't "earnt by you" and was "inheritance". One doesn't basically get inheritance money by any means other than "born in the right bed". I have known of people that weren't even "born in the right bed" - but have found a way to get inheritance money that is rightfully due to somebody else......

Readandcook

Thank you but my husband got a mortgage way before I had met him.
I remember too last October I had to pay £15 K for a cruise ( for us which I completely paid for) the log burner and to pay off my car. Granted obviously I pay for my car but ai did ask him if he could contribute towards the log burner? He said no, got in a strop and threatened to leave me.

Perhaps show him the door and change the locks.

I'd not live with anyone who threatened to leave.

he does appear to be threatening separation if I don’t change our financial situation

Now's your chance, get rid of him.

I wouldn't tolerate that kind of coercive attempt from an elderly man after such a short marriage. It sounds as if he's got a long term agenda based on COUNTING on him living longer than you.

I’m not really sure what the current law about financial assets and income are in the event of a divorce, but at a guess, the OP who describes herself as “wealthy”, will find herself having to pay her current husband, maintenance and a chunk of her property wealth and of her inherited wealth.

If they still love each other, some sort of mediation might be helpful at this stage before divorce is considered.

Norah

Readandcook

Thank you but my husband got a mortgage way before I had met him.
I remember too last October I had to pay £15 K for a cruise ( for us which I completely paid for) the log burner and to pay off my car. Granted obviously I pay for my car but ai did ask him if he could contribute towards the log burner? He said no, got in a strop and threatened to leave me.

Perhaps show him the door and change the locks.

I'd not live with anyone who threatened to leave.

It depends of he wanted the log burner. Maybe he didn't, but was "asked" to contribute anyway. In which case, he is the one who is being morally blackmailed. I wouldn't want to stay with somebody who bought stuff I didn't want and couldn't afford and then asked me to contribute towards.

He definitely wanted the log burner and we chose together.
I assumed that he would contribute to it as such a nice asset to our home.
But no he threatened to leave then when I politely asked him.

I have just read about how your husband behaved at the sad occasion of your brother’s funeral.

Readandcook you need to get rid of this dreadful, uncaring man.

Readandcook

He definitely wanted the log burner and we chose together.
I assumed that he would contribute to it as such a nice asset to our home.
But no he threatened to leave then when I politely asked him.

Sounds like, from what PaynesGrey wrote, he cant actually afford it.

Then what is he supposed to do?
Oh I know, leave.

What strikes me most about this thread is, there is very little you have written about how you dont like your husband.
Apart from the financial stuff.

It is usual, with these types of threads, to be a whole heap of other stuff. But there isnt.
Unles you are holding back.

The more I read, the more I am left wondering why on earth you are still in this marriage.

Did you marry bcause he threatened to leave you if you didn't.

Are you afraid of being left alone in life and feel any partner is better than none. There are many people on here who can tell you how liberating and invigorating being on your own can be.

I don't know what I think about the husband situation. A marriage in later life is not the same as a young couple setting out on life together and finding ways to contribute that work for them. This is particularly true where both partners have children from previous relationships.

But the only way such a financially unequal relationship is likely to run is if both partners manage on the income of the poorer of the two. It isn't possible to do otherwise, really. I wouldn't want to confine my spending to what someone else could afford - particularly if I had a lot of money and they didn't. It would be very limiting. What is the point of having money if you don't spend it, or if you resent spending it when you do?

In normal circumstances think I would share income so that we were financially equal on a day to day basis, but make sure my assets were protected for my children and my future security, but if my husband of three years was threatening to leave that would change things radically.

Is the threat because he feels hurt, or because he wants the money? It's difficult for me to know how I'd feel, as I've been married for so long and it may be different in a much shorter relationship, but if my husband came into a lot of money and still expected me to work past pension age so that I could contribute 50% of bills I would feel very unloved. It wouldn't be about the money itself, but about the fact that he would do that to me.

I think that finding out why he is threatening to leave is important. If he just wants the money, let him go, but at least try to see his point of view if he feels hurt by your refusal to share.

Readandcook
He definitely wanted the log burner and we chose together.
I assumed that he would contribute to it as such a nice asset to our home.
But no he threatened to leave then when I politely asked him.

you making such assumptions is not helping. There needs to be more open communication and agreements secured before you make financial decisions where you expect him to buy together. It doesn't sound like he has the available cash to contribute to nice assets for the home. Several, myself included have suggested relationship counselling/mediation/seeking legal advice- what are your thoughts about these specific suggestions?

I suppose he's be better off if he sold the house he has a mortgage on (since he a=has somewhere to live with his wife) but presume he doesn't because he wants a backup in case the marriage fails, which he rather seems to hope/expect it will.

Sounds as if both of you are not as committed to the marriage as you could be.

*he'd

What are you waiting for ? Ditch him ...

Thank you to each and every one of you for your replies. I have read every single message.
It seems as if small proportion are maybe siding with him but the vast majority with me! I know shouldn’t take sides at all and we just want what’s fair.
Yes I do love him, we have had some great times together and he has helped and supported me through some difficult times especially the death of my brother in July.
But I can’t stand this unsettled time when he threatens to leave.
We both do the food shopping with our separate bank accounts. This is also an issue for him as he thinks it should come out of a joint account but to me it’s not an issue at all. This again points to being hard up. He also moans about my family but it comes over as bitter and dis respectful.
Of course I do not want us to separate. I had booked 2 holidays for next year too that I said I would pay for but maybe I should just cancel them as it undermines him as a man having his wife pay etc.
Oh ladies I am quite scared but we will talk tonight ( I am having to spend a lot of time with my Mum atm since my brother died which is stressful in itself) and hopefully come to a conclusion.
Thank you.

So sorry about your brother. In a time of bereavement and stress he isn't helping or supporting you one bit by threatening to leave and demanding your financial support. I don't think, financially this marriage is going the way he expected. Maybe suggest you'll support him more financially day-to-day, but you'll holiday alone.

OP I know someone from a job I did who got together with one of the workers. My friend was quite wealthy. Met her a few years ago and she told me he was gone as he was only interested in her money. He cost her thousands before she got rid of him.
Best bet is to kick him out. Anyone who continually threatens to leave if you ask them about contributing money isn't worth having. You will end up totally keeping this man and it's started now with him refusing to pay his share of the bills. He can't really love you or he wouldn't keep threatening to leave. Tell him to go OP. See a solicitor ASAP.

Quite honestly I think he could see he was on to a good thing when he married you.
Be very careful about subsidising this man all the time.
Excuse my cynicism but I think you have to see a solicitor and prepare for a bust up.

There's a difference between protecting your assets and being downright mean.
I found it extraordinary that you don't have budget and a joint account for everyday expenses including bills.
Apart from that, I would think that things YOU want to buy for YOUR house, you buy with YOUR money.
And, if you love him and he has helped you with bereavement and other hard times, if you trust him to be a loving and supportive husband, why would you not help pay off his mortgage, taking part ownership of the property.
But it doesn't seem as if this marriage is like that. Is it over for your husband?

He said no, got in a strop and threatened to leave me.

This is not a partnership! 💐

Hi Readdandcook,

Thank you for your 14.19 update. You've outlined differences and difficulties between yourself and your husband and I've been mindful not to not take sides and as you say in your most recent post you want what is fair. You love him, don't want to separate and you feel scared- hence the suggestions, from others also, to seek mediation/relationship counselling/professional financial and/or legal advice to assist you both reach fair conclusions on the way forward, that so far you haven't been able to reach alone together.

Condolences for your recent bereavement, a sad time for you. I I hope your talk with your husband tonight goes well.

What comes through is that you appear to care more about your house, your log burner (cost £5,000, fancy) and your finances than you do about your husband. End the marriage, but be prepared to pay some share of your money to him; joint assets.

OR, stop obsessing over your money , think about sharing your good fortune with your husband and enjoy it.
You said elsewhere you wanted to help your family; is he not family?

With all my worldly goods I thee endowed.....?

Take seriously and act on, legal advice to protect your own future. I have too much knowledge of the very best seeming marriages turning nasty with the female party's relative wealth clearly being 'the' factor.