How can I tell my son to leave his marriage

His marriage, his business, his decision. Be a listening ear for him but don’t influence his decision. It’s hard when your adult child is unhappy. But they are the ones to make a decision.

Whatever you opinion of your son's wife - you cannot and must not advise him to leave, unless he actually comes and tells you he is considering doing so.

And even if he should tell you, he is contemplating divorce, in your place I would tell my son that the decision must be his, but that I would help him in any way I could.

Esmay

You can't tell your son to leave his marriage.
It's his life and his decision .

Totally in agreement.

His marriage, his marital partner, his business.

Readerjb

His wife of ten years is cold and hard. First evidence: they were attending my son’s best friend’s wedding. When son asked wife to come up and be introduced to the groom’s brothers, she flatly refused. He asked again, she said no. How can they be happy when she is so inconsiderate?

OP, perhaps you could pose this question over on Mumsnet when you will have an undoubtedly unequivocal response?!

The less said the better….

You really can't interfere in your son's marriage. If it's as bad as you think it is, he will be fully capable of ending the relationship on his own. Telling him your opinion will only finish badly.

Readerjb

These answers are pretty much what I expected. It breaks my heart when he tells me how unhappy he is in the marriage. All I’ve said so far as that we love him and will support whatever decision he comes to. Maybe that’s all I need to say …

There is no maybe. That is the only answer. Meddling in anyone’s marriage is wrong. Your son needs a marriage counselor. He shouldn’t be airing his marital issues with his mother.

I hardly think that's a reason for someone to abandon their marriage. You may not know all the facts behind this and it is best that you don't interfere.

Thank you foxie48. Your well considered advice is appreciated. I have never criticised his wife to him , but just two hours ago he is intimating that it’s all over. They separated two years ago, reconciling in August last year. Early hopes of Marriage 2.0 are now failing.

His life, his marriage, his decision. He is an adult.
If he is not happy with his marriage he will know what to do.

Reported

Strange that his wife had not met his best friends family. Perhaps they have separate social lives?
I say the same as everyone else. Be there for him but let him sort out his own problems.

Sodapop: you reported me? For what?

Readerjb

Thank you foxie48. Your well considered advice is appreciated. I have never criticised his wife to him , but just two hours ago he is intimating that it’s all over. They separated two years ago, reconciling in August last year. Early hopes of Marriage 2.0 are now failing.

This sounds all too familiar. My brother is doing this same thing with his later in life wife. They've split up and reconciled countless times. So don't think it's over till it's over.

Every time he is on the brink, she does something to get him back. He worries about how much he'd owe her in equity of their home when he filed for divorce and it wouldn't have been that bad but after too many years of this back and forth, there could be an argument now for a reset of the date of separation and he'd never be able to pay her how much the equity has gone up.

He hooked me twice into giving him money at the so called end of the line he had to get her out moments. I didn't want to but he was very desperate both times.

He was kinda ghosting me for awhile lately, so I asked is he coming to Thanksgiving and then he had to admit he was going to her sisters' house.

I said oh you are back together? He literally said if it made me feel better to think that........like, what???

He was denying it yet he is skipping my house this year for her sisters and that's not "back together?". They were not even talking to each other a couple months ago when he came begging for help.

I just can't believe the denial, why hide it, I was always trying to get him to not divorce her .

I really think he hid it from me, hoping just in case this latest attempt backfires, he can get more money from me to start up the divorce a third time. There is no other explanation.

Well, I was fooled twice. Not gonna fall for it again. He wants a divorce later, he will have to either pay for it himself or put up with her treatment of him which has always been bad when she thinks he won't go through with the divorce.

I wasted some of the good money my parents left on this. No more. It's just maddening, watching this up and down marriage of his for the last 8 years and him always wanting out and asking me to help. He works full time, he could just save up the money next time for all I care.

So your son's marriage 2.0 might go south for awhile and then they could easily begin marriage 3.0, 4.0, on and on.....so what you gotta do is NOT assume this is it and you should give it a push.....you will be sorry , and you will end up the bad guy.

If it isn't going to last, they will decide that, nobody else can do it for them. And don't give him money to do it either........

The next time he tells you he is unhappy in his marriage, I would ask him why he stays? Life is too short to live in a loveless marriage.I would tell him whatever he decides to do he has your support. You are better on your own than with the wrong person and he has to make up his own mind. I would be
worried for him too,

Blessed Art. Poster is not meddling just concerned and why not. You seem to think mother's of sons switch off once they leave home. Why shouldn't her son tell his own mother if he trusts her? I would be the last to know if my sons marriage were in trouble but not everyone is the same. I wouldn't judge the situation..

Allsorts

As a general rule of thumb, it's best for adult children not to tell parents about problems in their relationships and it's best for parents not to get involved in their adult children's relationships. A parent's instinct is to protect a child. That's okay. That's normal. That's what parents are supposed to do. But it also means that by definition a parent is not an objective third party when it comes to an adult child's relationship. This can cause issues.

Allsorts

Blessed Art. Poster is not meddling just concerned and why not. You seem to think mother's of sons switch off once they leave home. Why shouldn't her son tell his own mother if he trusts her? I would be the last to know if my sons marriage were in trouble but not everyone is the same. I wouldn't judge the situation..

Asking how to tell someone else to leave their marriage is meddling. That’s not unclear or confusing to anyone with healthy boundaries and relationships.

As a mother of son—one who actually has a healthy, close relationship—I really don’t need you to tell me about it.

agnurse

Allsorts

As a general rule of thumb, it's best for adult children not to tell parents about problems in their relationships and it's best for parents not to get involved in their adult children's relationships. A parent's instinct is to protect a child. That's okay. That's normal. That's what parents are supposed to do. But it also means that by definition a parent is not an objective third party when it comes to an adult child's relationship. This can cause issues.

Absolutely. I would think this is obvious.

I know it's not easy, but you really would be wise to stay out of this completely.
If something does happen, then you can offer your son all the support he needs. But until then, stay quiet.

I would be interested to know why she didn't want to be introduced to the other people? I appreciate it looks and sounds very rude, is she suffering from social anxiety , does she think that she won't be accepted by people.

Tread carefully. I know it is hard to witness your dear AC in a relationship that seems to you unhappy, but if they stay together then this person will be in your life for the long haul and any derogatory statements from you could come back to bite you and cause estrangement.

Unless he approaches you with a statement that he is unhappy in the relationship then you must say nothing. If he does, then again I think you must be careful how you conduct this conversation: just be a listening ear and reassure him that you are there for him whatever he decides, but it would be unwise to collude in criticizing your son's partner.

Allsorts

The next time he tells you he is unhappy in his marriage, I would ask him why he stays? Life is too short to live in a loveless marriage.I would tell him whatever he decides to do he has your support. You are better on your own than with the wrong person and he has to make up his own mind. I would be
worried for him too,

Yes....that is a very good question. Which I have asked before. Seems it was always about not having money to do it or when she realized he was serious about it, once when she does a 180 and he's ok with her again.

Up until she happened to see the proposal of their already filed 2 years ago divorce recently, which I paid the lawyer for, she was not speaking to him at all! No interaction

He first filed and I helped with the retainer. When that happened, she went from not speaking or interacting with him to suddenly a wife again. Then fast forward 2 years and he tells me for a whole year, again, they are like stranger roomates.

So I put down the money for a proposal that was needed to move forward and she sees it, and panics, does the 180 degrees and they are back together again.

But this time he tried to deny it , told me they were not together, yet he is spending Thanksgiving with her sister and he has gone to things I found out with her before this, all the time telling me things were the same as before, which was not speaking.

He's had a history of neglecting my parents and me. Was barely an uncle to my kids and never cared to spend any time with my grandkids. He has skipped out on all holidays for almost 2 years now, including birthdays and literally just hanging out.

So this is sort of the last straw for me.

Another thing I asked him to think about is.......how she has treated him when she thought he wasn't going to do anything about it. It was bad. He was miserable.

She is divorced, they are older and she really has nothing much. She could stand to get a lot of equity in the house plus permanent alimony, according to our US state laws, if they are married for 10 years or more and I think she knows that and that's why she's still there.

They will have been married for 9 years next year. It's getting close enough; some judges don't let a year or less difference matter....so he will be on the hook. She is biding her time and then she can go back to treating him anyway she wants because by then, she'll get so much he won't be able to do it without financial ruin.

If he had went through with it the first time, he would have been financially ok.

Anyway, I figure after the 10 year mark, she'll have the upper hand and go back to the way she treated him before. His misery will be his own doing this time. I will not care anymore.

Of course, I am sad. I've never written off a family member in my life. And some deserve it still, but this will be the first, it's not at all in my nature.

I am planning on cutting all contact. IF he happens to try, which I even wonder if he will (if he doesn't' need money) I will not refuse contact but I will not go out of my way to invite him to things anymore.

If he wants, he will have to ask, although I get the feeling he won't because he hasn't cared to participate in our family gatherings for these last two years.

It's ok. I've reached my max and I think I'm better off without the brother my parents thought I needed. They tried.

Maybe a good lesson, not to force perfection in life. An only child situation isn't perfect, but it would have been better.

And what money I have left from them is staying in the bank from now on.

Oh, I'm sorry. It must be confusing when I mentioned my parents giving me a brother. That is literally what they did; my mom could not have any more children, so they adopted my brother so I would not be an only child.

Sorry, I forgot to include that in the story!

Plus....,my mom actually paid for a detective to find his real mom when he was an adult so he could know her. He did know her and she was excited; introduced him to all her family and his half sister.

Well, all that lasted about 2 years and he decided he didn't need her or them.

Kinda like, he's really not a good person.

Yet I saw how loving my parents were to him, never treated him at all different than me.

Moral of the story is, sometimes it's not the parents fault.