Ruby wedding anniversary

It's our 40th next week. We might go out for a meal. We don't really bother about anniversaries.

I'm sorry that your celebrations fell flat.

Your DH's reactions made me wonder if he's worried about something which is occupying his mind.

I think you should be discussing this with your DH. He's a man not a mind reader. Give him the chance to see your point of view and apologise. He just might not have thought about it at all and might be wondering why you're in the huff.

It seems to me that there must be some reason why your DH has behaved as he has, just as you are upset by his lack of response, he may have been upset by the thought that 40 years of marriage is a sure sign he is getting old, is approaching/has just retired, that the best of his life is behind him.

He may also be depressed. I think, on his side that there is much more to his behaviour, than meets the eye and if you talk to him about it. it should be with gentleness and kindness, not demanding explanations and apologies.

I think your husband is either depressed or a miserable old…..

I wouldn’t be approaching this gently, I would be going in all guns blazing.

theworriedwell I don’t think the OP was asking what we all did for our anniversaries.

Sago, I don't think "all guns blazing" would be the appropriate response at all.

From the sound of it, this man's behaviour is a departure from the usual and he's always been happy to participate in such celebrations previously.

The OP needs to have a conversation with her husband - there could be any number of reasons he wasn't happy (and he clearly wasn't). Maybe he has job/money/health worries he hasn't felt able to share. Maybe he just doesn't enjoy the reminder that he's growing old.

Whatever it is, they need to discuss calmly and deal appropriately with the issue so that they can go off on their Marrakesh break and have fun with clear minds.

As an aside, my late husband always participated in any anniversary or birthday celebrations but usually with a shrug and an "uh, okay then" sort of attitude. He just never really saw much significance in dates. Maybe it's a man thing because current partner is just the same.

Sago

I think your husband is either depressed or a miserable old…..

I wouldn’t be approaching this gently, I would be going in all guns blazing.

theworriedwell I don’t think the OP was asking what we all did for our anniversaries.

I would never ever go into anything all guns blazing. It almost invariable makes the situation worse not better and, if you have completely misread the situation it makes you look nasty, uncaring and a fool. It lead to marriage breakdown and estrangement.

Take if non confrontaionally and you are more likely to get a good response and the problem resolved.

At least he got you a card.
For our 40th wedding anniversary I had to buy my own card and get him to sign it! ( he can’t see the point in celebrating anniversary’s and can’t see what difference buying a card/ present makes to anything )
So I totally understand how hurt you feel.

Not liking the trip to Scotland and being grumpy is one thing, but I would be very upset about his going to the pub for hours and coming home drunk!
You certainly do need to have a serious conversation, only he can explain himself, there’s not point in speculation. If the outcome is not good, I’d cancel Marrakesh and there wouldn’t be a 41st anniversary.

Thanks for your responses. We will get over it, we always do but whatever his reasons, I feel it’s for him to talk to me rather than me trying to extract a reason from him. He’s been retired for a couple of years (67 now) and has no money worries but he is struggling with his elderly father and I’m helping him with that. I would have been nice, just got once, for him to think about me knowing it was important to me instead of just doing his own thing. I really think he probably thought we’d been together for the week so why would I be bothered about him doing his own thing and he’s not a guy who apologises. If I want us to be ok with each other so we can go away it will only happen if I move on from my own feelings and let it go.

He’s not a happy man, is he? And you’re not a happy woman either.

Unless this sort of thing is par for the course of 40 years marriage, I think it needs exploring, not burying.

Unless that is the usual pattern, in which case only you can decide whether you want to change it or live with it to the end.

Have you thought about going to Marrakesh with a friend?

My husband died very suddenly 5 weeks ago leaving many things unsaid. Wish we had talked more…….🥹

The thing that struck me was that he got out at the pub and left you to empty the car, struggle in the pouring rain with suitcases, unpack, and no doubt do the washing, while he got drunk.
Crass.
You have to address it.

Sago

I think your husband is either depressed or a miserable old…..

I wouldn’t be approaching this gently, I would be going in all guns blazing.

theworriedwell I don’t think the OP was asking what we all did for our anniversaries.

I wasn't asking for your advice.

Does he get drunk regularly? if not he is a very unhappy man, who doesn't know how to talk about things.

Women tend to talk to friends and family and seek help verbally when life is distressing, men do not, they are unable to express themselves and usually retreat to drink or affairs.

Oddly enough there are a lot of women on this thread reacting as if they were a man.

I'm not sure I agree M0nica. It seems to me that he's just not thinking about the OPs perspective and may be wondering what's wrong with her. There have been times when I've been in a similar situation but if I actually explain why I was feeling like I was it was a light bulb moment for DH. He just hadn't thought! Men!

Poppyred, so sorry your husband has died.

Thinking of you.
...and a reminder to all of us to talk more to those we love.
X

I also think that your husband is depressed and frankly-worryingly so.
Some,indeed most men aren't that good at sharing their feelings . It's not a masculine thing to do.
He's probably depressed about his father and wonders how he'll be at the same age.
He might be hating retirement -he hasn't developed any interests nor hobbies.
Maybe he doesn't have a network of friends.
Perhaps he's not fulfilled his dreams and aspirations.
Perhaps he's concerned about his health.
I hate to mention it,but how is your sex life?
I ask this,because when things go wrong most men feel embarrassed to talk about it and don't want to visit a doctor.

Whatever you do - go carefully.

Please don't do what two of my friends have done :
Unhappy at home with her grumpy husband - one moved out of their bedroom and spent all day doing voluntary work and hanging out with a younger man,who was helping her.
Her husband left then divorced her and now she's having to sell their house.

The other friend has always been the most appalling nag.About a decade ago,her husband lost interest in her sexually and her solution was to seek solace with friends.
She's never at home in the evenings nor at weekends and goes on holiday with them.
I can see him leaving.

I'm wishing you lots of luck with your problem and I hope that it resolves itself.

We've been married 41 years, hubby has never remembered without prompting. We've never done anything special for anniversaries but a card would be nice.

I'm afraid it is me who isn't bothered about anniversaries (birthdau seem to be more important though less so nowadays). DH likes to make something of anniversaries but I'd rather that he took some notice of me the rest of the year.

NotSpaghetti

*Poppyred*, so sorry your husband has died.

Thinking of you.
...and a reminder to all of us to talk more to those we love.
X

Thank you NotSpaghetti xx

Seems you place much more importance on such occasions than your husbsnd given his history over the years. Why do you persist in organising events when it's obvious your DH isn't interested.

This is not normal. At least not my normal. We had parties for 25, 40 and 50 anniversaries. But the point is, it wasn't one-sided. We talked about it and planned what we wanted to do. Communication is key.

My thoughts on the matter are this. Could you firstly , try to calmly remember what annoyed you the most, were you already upset by his behaviour previously, or had he already changed a bit lately if you look back on it. Then do you know a trusted friend of his who might be able to find out from him, what if anything special is worrying him. The problems with his father may actually just be hitting home, and he could be worried that he will be in the same state, and feel angry or upset at how life is. So there could be a mix of things, but once you have some idea of what matters the most to you, perhaps you then could find a time to talk to him and explain why a specific thing upset you, or if he had changed from his normal pattern ask what had changed for him. You know what kind of person he is, and so possibly would it be better for you to set it out in a sort of letter, rather than start to ask him questions and then get angry, if your main wish is to find out why he behaved so, and if there is some way you can both connect and find ways to still please each other. To leave you to do all the sorting out and come home drunk is not a decent thing to do, and I can understand your upset, but if your aim is not to have a repeat of this kind of situation then you need to get to the bottom of it, and then you will be able to decide what happens next. Wishing you well