AIBU - personal letter sent to mother read by others in the family

I'm sorry that you are unwell. However, I can understand your Mum being very upset as, presumably, your illness means that she will have no direct contact with you, though I expect you can continue to write to her regularly.

Of course your family would want to know why your Mum was upset and, to be honest, I think it is better that they understand the situation. Unless you had specifically said the information should not be relayed to anyone else, I don't think it's a breach of privacy - and I think it would be upsetting for your Mum not to be able to talk about it with the rest of the family.

I can understand your upset borrheid It sounds as if to you the letter was in place of a one to one conversation with your Mum, now you’re not sure who else was listening.

Putting myself in your Mums shoes it feels that reading my child, albeit an adult one, was too unwell to visit would have visibly upset me. If a trusted family member was around at the time or shortly after and noticed I’d probably have told them and yes, maybe showed them the letter rather than explain. Particularly if explaining was going to cause tears to flow.

On balance I think it’s best that your wider family know. Of course they may not understand the impact CFS can have. How sometimes walking across a room is too much and something as simple as a phone conversation can be impossible How it can ebb and flow. When I was diagnosed, 35 years ago, I found such a mix of responses I began to worry about the reactions of others and consciously filtered what I said according to the recipient. It’s a better known condition now, back then less so needing a lot of explanation which was just too much at times.

It’s worth remembering your brother’s perceived change in attitude may not actually have been linked to you. There could be other factors in his life impacting how he was. If you’ve always had a decent enough relationship I think I’d pick a good day on a good and try to speak with him on the phone. Not to accuse but to be open about the situation. If my relationship had been distant I think I’d leave well alone and wait for him to raise any concerns.

I hope you can feel easier soon and the CFS falls into a manageable pattern. It may be that the sharpness of discomfort around the letter will ease as you decide on a way forward.

Sometimes we feel as though we're taking and failing an exam with our families.

You wrote a letter in good faith explaining about being unwell and your mother was naturally disappointed and told a family member.

Everything is always hunky dory as long a we are doing what is expected of us.
Now you feel judged by them and feel that they are disapproving.

My parents went through a similar episode with my Aunt .
They were completely exhausted with her-having helped her move house and redecorated for her .
They took her out every week .
She actually behaved badly like a spoilt child.
One Christmas,they decided to have a break from her knowing that she had other relatives to spend it with .
She phoned her relatives and complained about them .
They turned against my parents it was uncomfortable for a long time .

I haven't gone through this ,
but I once tried to have an intelligent conversation with my father about moving .
We needed to move into a house more suited to his needs and mine .
He took the estate agent's blurb round to a friend's house and stopped speaking to me after a screaming session.
I was mortified and dropped it.
I felt that it was a private matter between us and not something to discuss with a friend.

Lathyrus3

I have had hearing loss for many years and use Relay and WhatsApp.

Mostly WhatsApp with my family. I like the pictures!🙂

If your mum is able to WhatsApp then a wealth of communication is open to you both, as you can pop little photos in (even if mum cant).

I totally understand why a bout of serious CFS makes it difficult to phone. You can be so utterly, utterly exhausted that sometimes it's just not possible.

I think some posters above might take notice of this and not issue put downs or suggestions that the O/P could not presently cope with doing.
Its one of those hidden illnesses, that many people still don't grasp or accept.

But it is wise upthread advice not to try and explain endlessly to rellies who don't understand, just costs more energy.

but regular whatsApps dont cost a lot of energy - little snippets of news, love and caring expressed, bits of reassurance should mum need it that you are coping.

A letter belongs to whom it is addressed as soon as it is posted.
This is why you cannot beg back a letter dropped into a pillar box from the collector. Even if you could prove you had posted it. He she is not allowed to interfere with the post. It is against the law. It belongs to the recipient.
And thus it is for the recipient to decide what to do with it.
In the circumstances seems not unreasonable that shared the information.
You seem to be annoyed that your relatives did not express sympathy for your condition. Even though you had chosen not to inform them of it.
Some kind of muddled logic.

I use two hearing aids all the time. I used to have to have my telephone on speaker to be able to hold any conversation with anyone,but then one of my daughters put on it some of ap. which she says is available on all smart phone that links to hearing aids. It is very successful and means that I can actually have a conversation with someone on the phone without everyone around me hearing it all.

I am not quite your Mums age, only in my mid-eighties, but I really look foward to and appreciate the weekly phone chat I have (usually for about an hour), every Sunday afternoon with my eldest daughter. She is not able to visit me very often, so these chats are so very precious.

I am really not sure what you are complaining about. Seems to be that you should be very grateful that your Mum is being looked after by your relatives, and I really do not understand why you are so unwilling to let them know of your own health problems. Perhaps a bit more thought for them and her rather than yourself - Sorry, if that sounds a bit harsh, but your OP did come over to me rather self absord.

Wish there was an edit button. Last word should have read 'self-absorbed'

If you visit again I suggest you state clearly that you would like some 1:1 time eith tour mum as you dont see her very often

Also if it was me I would say to my brother /SIL that I am aware that they have read your letter and are therefore aware of the difficulties that you are now experiencing. I would then discuss with them what you can still manage etc.

Thank you all for your comments. I am truly grateful for all they do for my mother - she looked after their three children every day after school for about ten years when she retired ( and they lived in the next town! ) They used to joke that she would be well looked after in return- beware what you wish for! When I have the energy, I will contact them and clear the air.

Pleased you will do this Borrheid55 you will probably feel so much better afterwards.

Nobody should expect their AC to look after them in illness/old age. Most definitely not the reason we have children. I was able to look after just one of my g.children as I lived close by and her Mum (my daughter) was a single parent and climbing her career ladder.

I think I got more out of those times (pre-school through to Secondary school), that I was able to help out and have my granddaughter with me. The 'return' I have is that I still have a very close relationship with this lovely (now) young woman, although as she lives opposite side of country to me only see her rarely.

Her Mum, now teetering on the top rung of her career, is the one who weekly telephones me, but has is not in the position (both time and distance) to look after me,

The daughter whom i now live close by, I was not able to help at all with her four children, as I lived to far away then. However, she is the one who now sees me weekly, and will often take time of work to drive me to medical appointments, etc. Most definitely i do not want her to to feel like my carer, She has her own job, home, children (three of hem now adults), and disabled hubbie -and social life to think about. I am grateful for all that she does, but would not want her to put me in front of any of those.

Not ready for a care home for myself just yet. And, yes, I do think about the fact that I really do want for my flat (my only asset), to be able to be sold after I die and the money shared out between all five of my children. So I am very reluctant to allow this to be used financially for my care. If I reach the point when I really require that - would prefer to end things.

I think however unwell you feel or felt you should have phoned your mother, you were well enough to write after all, can understand people upset who are caring for her. I would becgrateful she has a support network and can understand your mother being worried and showing them the letter. As her Carers you should have told these people how you were feeling, they probably thought you just didn't care.