Unfaithful husband?

Well, I've decided I need space to think. So rather than returning home from Denmark I have changed flights and am going to Crete for a couple of weeks to have a long hard think before I blow my life up. I'm going to be away for a month and plan to do or say nothing until I am sure in my own mind what is the right way forward. It'll be valentines day and my birthday whilst I'm away, which will be a relief. I'm quite tempted to ask my 'friend' the cleaner to keep a special eye on my husband, tell her how much I trust her. See her response

Enjoy your travels!

Crete or Denmark?

What a choice.

I love the cunning idea of the the trap, the double bluff re the cleaner.

Your OH, as you already know, has used porn sites that are for sexual fantasy and for sexual gratification.
I do wonder if he is fantasising about this younger lady and by giving her a gift and being rewarded with a caning.

I doubt there is anything going on between them, by all means confront your OH but if you confront her I fear she would be so appalled that you may lose her.

Do you know how hard it is to get a good, reliable cleaner?

Lathyrus3

Do you know how hard it is to get a good, reliable cleaner?

Best maintain the status quo then. 🤣🤣

If he is impotent he is hardly likely to entice your cleaner, but wouldn't you be better off without him?.he doesn't sound much of a catch. Would not go to Crete in January, everything will be shut, why not go to the Caribbean?

Lathyrus3

Do you know how hard it is to get a good, reliable cleaner?

Burst out laughing.
Brilliant.
[grin}

You are 18 years younger than him. A spring chicken compared to some of us here. Dump him and find someone who is ‘potent’ and doesn’t buy chinaware for the cleaner …

Lathyrus3

Do you know how hard it is to get a good, reliable cleaner?

That made me laugh out loud. Fair point well made.

Allsorts

If he is impotent he is hardly likely to entice your cleaner, but wouldn't you be better off without him?.he doesn't sound much of a catch. Would not go to Crete in January, everything will be shut, why not go to the Caribbean?

I don't think they are loves young dream that's for sure. I think like a lot of men he thinks what I don't know doesn't matter and it's just a bit of harmless role play, with probably very little actual sexual contact. Some people pay prostitutes to throw buns at them or similar... kinks can be very specific. Each to their own, I'm not going to judge what 2 consenting adults choose to do. I do not know the dynamic of their liason. I know for sure they ain't bonking. But for me being unfaithful is in the fact that the 2 of them betrayed me when I thought we were all part of the same 'village' being there for each other over the years through lifes up and downs. Now I know that is not the case and I feel bereft. I'm going to Crete, because I can't afford the Caribbean, and to be honest I'm not going for the nightlife. I'm going because I've been before, and it will be very quiet without being freezing.

Well there we are then you have obviously managed to get all the concrete evidence together in the last 12 hours well done
You ve gone from wondering if there’s a problem to knowing there definitely is one in less that a day
Poor man and poor cleaner if it’s nothing to do with them at all
Hung drawn and quartered comes to mind
How’s your husband feel about you trotting off hope he’s ok with it if he’s innocent

ClareAB

Allsorts

If he is impotent he is hardly likely to entice your cleaner, but wouldn't you be better off without him?.he doesn't sound much of a catch. Would not go to Crete in January, everything will be shut, why not go to the Caribbean?

I don't think they are loves young dream that's for sure. I think like a lot of men he thinks what I don't know doesn't matter and it's just a bit of harmless role play, with probably very little actual sexual contact. Some people pay prostitutes to throw buns at them or similar... kinks can be very specific. Each to their own, I'm not going to judge what 2 consenting adults choose to do. I do not know the dynamic of their liason. I know for sure they ain't bonking. But for me being unfaithful is in the fact that the 2 of them betrayed me when I thought we were all part of the same 'village' being there for each other over the years through lifes up and downs. Now I know that is not the case and I feel bereft. I'm going to Crete, because I can't afford the Caribbean, and to be honest I'm not going for the nightlife. I'm going because I've been before, and it will be very quiet without being freezing.

Clare you have made progress towards solving the problem. You now are able to write exactly what worries you.

If you had to choose between loyalty to your husband or to the cleaner which would you choose?

A writer should be able to write from all the characters' points of view. Why not write scenarios about how the husband and the cleaner feel as individuals?

I don't know what age most men finally lose their interest in sex .
My daughter and I laughed at her partner's grandfather's collection of Miss Mary of Sweden chubby ladies in corset catalogues hidden the airing cupboard.
I think that he was into his eighties.
One thing is sad -if they aren't satisfied sexually instead of facing up to it it's much easier to blame their partner and be nasty .
This has happened to a couple of my friends.
They are stuck in deeply unhappy marriages.
And endlessly agonise about it.

Please move on .
Go on holiday and let them attempt the kama sutra if they want to.
Have lots of fun of your holiday.

Men are a variable as women when they loose interest in each other some are lucky and carry on into their 80s, some are not. What matters is a cuddle a kind word and caring for each other.

David49

Men are a variable as women when they loose interest in each other some are lucky and carry on into their 80s, some are not. What matters is a cuddle a kind word and caring for each other.

Yes. We are all individuals. May I ask you to look at the original post and give me your perspective?

I really cant comment on your situation, only you can decide what is tolerable and what isnt, I remarried 3 yrs ago and will recount my wifes story
She divorced her husband at 60, we had a few dates, curiously I asked why she left, "we did nothing together and I havnt had a cuddle for 10 yrs". That sounds pretty grim to me, so we make sure we cuddle a lot and we share a lot of common interests.

My only comment on a month in Crete is " absence makes the heart wander", it sounds like you are well on the way to separate lives already.

David49

I really cant comment on your situation, only you can decide what is tolerable and what isnt, I remarried 3 yrs ago and will recount my wifes story
She divorced her husband at 60, we had a few dates, curiously I asked why she left, "we did nothing together and I havnt had a cuddle for 10 yrs". That sounds pretty grim to me, so we make sure we cuddle a lot and we share a lot of common interests.

My only comment on a month in Crete is " absence makes the heart wander", it sounds like you are well on the way to separate lives already.

'I can't comment' yet you did. Im so happy for you in your smug contentment.

ClareAB

David49

I really cant comment on your situation, only you can decide what is tolerable and what isnt, I remarried 3 yrs ago and will recount my wifes story
She divorced her husband at 60, we had a few dates, curiously I asked why she left, "we did nothing together and I havnt had a cuddle for 10 yrs". That sounds pretty grim to me, so we make sure we cuddle a lot and we share a lot of common interests.

My only comment on a month in Crete is " absence makes the heart wander", it sounds like you are well on the way to separate lives already.

'I can't comment' yet you did. Im so happy for you in your smug contentment.

Rather unpleasant

I think we should leave Clare to enjoy her holiday and perhaps her older, more infirm husband will enjoy some peace.

VERY unpleasant !
after David49 shared

Clare - perhaps you could take this sorry tale of yours
over to Mumsnet, see what the barracuddas decide ?!

Looks as if the 18 year age gap and the thought of living with, and caring for, an elderly husband is the real problem if this scenario is true.

SORES

VERY unpleasant !
after David49 shared

Clare - perhaps you could take this sorry tale of yours
over to Mumsnet, see what the barracuddas decide ?!

I know exactly what the barracudas on Mumsnet will say. LTB
Leave the Bastard.
We often only hear one side of the story, your comment tell a lot about the other side, maybe something you said put him off.

I've just googled Gransnet. The reviews state they're great for pension advice, but tend to pile on posters who ask for emotional support in complex situations in relationships. And this has proved the point.