Wife does not want sex.

That sounds really tough. You’ve both been through a lot, and it’s understandable that you’re feeling frustrated and a bit shut out.
It’s hard when your feelings and needs aren’t really acknowledged, even by someone you love.

Maybe try finding small ways to reconnect, not necessarily sexual, just moments that remind you why you’re together.

And it’s okay to be honest about how this is affecting you, even if it’s scary. Feeling closeness again isn’t impossible, it just might take patience and a fresh approach.

I think you undoubtedtly love her but you need sex which is one of the reasons people marry. 2 years is a long time for health reasons but five years is way too long. I am sorry but she is now "a friend" a good friend, but not a lover. You should amicably part ways and find a lover because she can no longer fill your needs. If I were in your shoes, I would abandon sex to stay with my partner but if that frustrates you, you will need to give up the partner. I am so sorry it has come to this. Hopefully she is good with this choice.

You never know - she might prefer women. Or a different man. Just go. Dont hurt her.

Your wife has been through so much, She is trying to get by each day with all that she has experienced. She has had the very rug of life pulled away from under her feet and you are worrying about yourself?! She needs support, love, understanding, security, safety. Sex is probably way down her list of priorities at the moment. Have you thought of getting her to go to an accredited therapist who may be able to help her get through the dark tunnel she has found herself in. Poor lady. My heart goes out to her in a million ways.

wife's daughter and only child died suddenly 3 years ago, withing 3 months my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer

I think you should give this poor woman a break.

So you’re saying that your sex life was the lynchpin of your love for your wife.
I hope your dear wife never finds out that you’re so shallow.
Poor woman 😥

petra

So you’re saying that your sex life was the lynchpin of your love for your wife.
I hope your dear wife never finds out that you’re so shallow.
Poor woman 😥

This is why I left my last relationship and have never had another.

In all my relationships I have concluded that sex is the bottom line for men, and for them there is really nothing else.

Thank goodness I don't have to do that anymore.

If your wife has been on hormone treatment for her breast cancer it may well have affected her libido. She can't help this, it'll be the medication.

keepingquiet

petra

So you’re saying that your sex life was the lynchpin of your love for your wife.
I hope your dear wife never finds out that you’re so shallow.
Poor woman 😥

This is why I left my last relationship and have never had another.

In all my relationships I have concluded that sex is the bottom line for men, and for them there is really nothing else.

Thank goodness I don't have to do that anymore.

Totally agree with you. How would this gentleman, the OP, feel if the boot were on the other foot?

petra

So you’re saying that your sex life was the lynchpin of your love for your wife.
I hope your dear wife never finds out that you’re so shallow.
Poor woman 😥

Hear hear!!

It's always very sad when one partner wants sex and the other doesn't.
But my heart goes out to your wife -she's lost her child and has breast cancer .
- one of these events is a crisis .
It also early days since the cancer diagnosis .

Just enjoy precious days out with your wife and don't put any pressure on her to have sex .

There's no right or wrong.
Either you'll have to wait patiently until perhaps your wife feels like rekindling your sex life (which perhaps may never happen)

Or, your wife can grudgingly have sex that she doesn't want, has no interest in, just to please you.

The best thing to do is have a talk about the situation, I'd think.

Luckygirl3

*wife's daughter and only child died suddenly 3 years ago, withing 3 months my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer*

I think you should give this poor woman a break.

I know

maybe talk to her about it?

I can understand your hurt and frustration norfolknun especially as you're satisfying your wife's need to orgasm and that's not being reciprocated.

You say if you try to discuss this, you get short shrift and while I have the utmost sympathy for all that she's been through, I do think that she's being unfair.

A marriage is a partnership and if a fundamental aspect of that relationship changes it needs to be discussed. Sex doesn't have to be the 'be all and end all', but if someone for whatever reason decides this is something they no longer want, it's a mistake IMO to refuse to discuss the affect this may have on the other.

I think you need to be honest and tell her how this is impacting on your feelings for her. That's not to say she should ever feel she should engage in a physical relationship if she doesn't want too, but if you do decide you no longer wish to remain in the marriage, she needs to know why.

I'm sorry you've had some rather unpleasant responses and I wonder how those who have made them would feel in they were in your position.

MissAdventure

There's no right or wrong.
Either you'll have to wait patiently until perhaps your wife feels like rekindling your sex life (which perhaps may never happen)

Or, your wife can grudgingly have sex that she doesn't want, has no interest in, just to please you.

The best thing to do is have a talk about the situation, I'd think.

And perhaps end up leaving him because she has had enough.

That could be said of either person.
The only way is to talk about it; they owe each other at least that.

Do we know it’s a gentleman !! Couldn’t a woman have a wife ?
Would a man call himself a Norfolknun surely it would be norfolkmonk

Yes, Miss Adventure.

I have had varied experiences. What it has taught me is that what holds people together - sex or not - is cuddling, touching, sharing, loving gestures.

Yes passion can indeed be part of this, but without real intimacy love may a death eventually.

Be it from a man or woman.

If she "just" wants an orgasm, there is DIY. For you too.

But I do agree with what others have said, there is probably a great deal going on under the surface: only loving talk, with help from a counsellor if need be, can help resolve what you ask.

tbh, I think a sensitive man would give the same advice, and it is up to men to find and develop the kind of communication you seek. Mens sheds, at al.

Women are too often asked to sort out everyone's emotional issues instead of men being able to turn to each other and sometimes believe me pay a high price for doing this.

But, paradoxically, perhaps only other men could understand what you are really asking. Women can only guess unless we are trained counsellors.

BlueBelle

Do we know it’s a gentleman !! Couldn’t a woman have a wife ?
Would a man call himself a Norfolknun surely it would be norfolkmonk

If the O/P was a women she would be unlikely to say, "everything is working". that is so a man.

Or it's a set up: but we have given honest replies to the best of our ability. Shall we see if O/P returns?

I agree with your last three posts, Wyllow.

I agree with Smileless2012 there are two people in this relationship who both need to have their emotional and sexual feelings considered.

If your 'love' only exists when you're having a very regular sex life and fades without it, then it's shallow.

Like 'men' who go off their wives when they have a mastectomy or similar trauma to their body [which has probably provided them with children].

I've met them in my life, both men and women...[yes, women can be as shallow too]. And now Thank God I'm very happily single and will always be.

Your wife needs a break, or the chance to meet someone with more depth of soul and integrity. Someone who doesn't think with their genitals and weep for themselves when their other half is trying to come to terms with their losses.

She has had a 5 year break.
Perhaps she had lost interest before, and the trauma she's faced has just exacerbated the situafion.

BlueBelle

Do we know it’s a gentleman !! Couldn’t a woman have a wife ?
Would a man call himself a Norfolknun surely it would be norfolkmonk

Good thinking, Miss Marple!