Friends of friends

Bluebelle Must be me but if a woman said that to me I d think ahh ohh she’s after a relationship (sounds too cosy to me)

I suppose it depends on the nature of the friendship and there are variations on the same theme to fit. The principle is to frame the comment within some sort of compliment really but only if genuine.

Well I think you d have to just be perfectly honest next time she suggests a meet up ask if x in invited and if she says yes, just be open and say I can see you really enjoy her company but I don’t think I ve much in common with her so maybe I ll give it a miss this time
If she likes you and wants to see you again she will realise it ll have to be separately

It wouldn't cross my mind to think that if someone wanted to have coffee/lunch with me and not someone else that they were chatting me up, whether they were male or female.

There is a big difference in dynamics between two people meeting and three, and they change again when there are more. Sometimes I want to talk to a friend one-to-one, and at others I'm happy to be in a crowd - it depends on the reason for the meeting and the people involved. For instance I had lunch with an old friend last week. We've been friends since schooldays, and enjoyed catching up with what others from those days are doing. We couldn't have done that with someone else there, as they would have been excluded. Similarly, if I want to chat about a personal issue I am very careful about who is listening. I might like someone, but not want to confide in them, and I understand that others will feel the same.

All in all, I don't see anything odd in people wanting to have lunch with one friend - if two of my friends lunch together I am not upset, and equally, I wouldn't see my having lunch with just one person as excluding others.

Often these sparkly fascination friendships run their course and maybe your friend will run out of fascination for the other woman. Could you just let your friend do all the arranging and see what she comes up with? Perhaps she will just arrange something for the two of you together. Are you able to just go grey rock with the other woman? There was a woman like this in my friendship circle and it was not until I found out about her achilles heel that it made me feel sorry for her constant demands for attention. I realised how lonely she was. It changed my whole focus. I am not her friend but also don't resent her hogging the lime light anymore. She is very needy of attention. Comfortable people are comfortable in their core.

‘Sorry, but I’m afraid I’m not mad keen on Pat - could it please be just us?’

BlueBelle

Well I think you d have to just be perfectly honest next time she suggests a meet up ask if x in invited and if she says yes, just be open and say I can see you really enjoy her company but I don’t think I ve much in common with her so maybe I ll give it a miss this time
If she likes you and wants to see you again she will realise it ll have to be separately

Yes thats an option too!

specki4eyes

Enid101 my user name has always been a derogatory reference, but since I chose it, I can hardly be criticised for voluntarily applying it to myself! Of course I would never apply it to anyone else.
It's called self deprecation Enid101.

I get what you are saying and I apologise if I was blunt, but I just think that calling yourself that doesn’t make the phrase harmless.
Other people still see it, and it can reinforce stereotypes or make people uncomfortable.
Anyway we can agree to differ and I don’t wish to derail the thread which sounds tricky and I hope you resolve your dilemma
.

Petra...lol...your last post (not musical) made me chuckle. A key for the drinks cabinet, how very novel. That's a new one. I too discovered that people like to bring others in tow, (for obvious reasons). The latest are new partners of a variety of deceased friends and relatives. Etc etcetc. So it seems to go on. Very hard really. What to say or do? I try to avoid, or at least keep it short. ;)

Oh for pities sake, it's a joke nickname! As if looking at it could cause pain to someone..how bloomin PC can you get? I like it, it warms my heart. Remember Pam in Gavin and Stacey calling her friend Big Fat Sue...imagine all the fat people being hurt by that...its ridiculo7us sorry

Enid101 As the matriarch of three generations of glasses wearers. I can assure you that the odd nickname based on wearing glasses, especially as one as benign as this causes us no problems whatsoever.

Sooner or later in life most people, at some time or another will be called vile and vicious names, even if only once. if you get upset by something as trivial as being called specki4eyes, then you are really heading for a very difficult life where you spend most of your time crying in a corner because someone said something nasty to you.

The stereotype for glasses wearers is usually being a clever nerd, from my family'spoint of view we are all very comfortable with that stereotype.

As human beings we all constantly and instinctively seeking out patterns in life. It helps to have an idea, however stereotyped of what a tiger looks like, so if you see one you can run away. We spend all our time grouping people. Over in the corner are a group of new mums with babies, over here we have a group of phne clutching teenagers.

Of course some stereotypes can be used for negative purposes., but it is not the stereotype that is the problem it is what individuals ascribe to those steroetypes.

I sign myself off as an old lady, old bat, eccentric, oddity, bore etc. All stereotypes I have been given at various times. And I do not give a damn.

But if we can show kindness and be nicer to each other that would be good wouldn’t it.

Enid I totally agree with you I hated wearing glasses, I hated being different. I think I was the only one in my class and I was really self conscious. Thank goodness for contacts
I totally disagree Monica a name like that which is far from a benign name might not have bothered you, but it would have bothered me very very much
I know people who have become anorexic after being called fat

We now no longer call people with Downs Syndrome or cerebel Palsy by names once used by everybody but deemed very unpleasant now and Specky4 eyes is every bit as bad would you think ‘peg leg’ is fine for someone who lost a limb
It’s not fun to refer to people by their problem surely it’s unkind

I've never heard of it.
I guess the specki bit refers to spectacles?
Have heard four eyes but not for many years

As to the social problem.
How about you OP bring along an other too.
Might mix it up a bit.
add leaven to the lump kind of thing.

M0nica, as another matriarch of a family of wearers of glasses, I agree with your excellent post at 20:55:18. We're also happy to be regarded as a family of clever nerds, whether it's true or not!

BlueBelle

Enid I totally agree with you I hated wearing glasses, I hated being different. I think I was the only one in my class and I was really self conscious. Thank goodness for contacts
I totally disagree Monica a name like that which is far from a benign name might not have bothered you, but it would have bothered me very very much
I know people who have become anorexic after being called fat

We now no longer call people with Downs Syndrome or cerebel Palsy by names once used by everybody but deemed very unpleasant now and Specky4 eyes is every bit as bad would you think ‘peg leg’ is fine for someone who lost a limb
It’s not fun to refer to people by their problem surely it’s unkind

I would not use any of the other words you name but i stand my belief that 'speckifoureyes' is an anodyne phrase compared with the others you uote and also compared with the far nastier names I was also called when at school.

There is a gradation in words like this, some are less offensive than others and speckifoureyes is not in the same category as the other words you uote.

I think its fine to call oneself whatever you want.

MissAdventure

I think its fine to call oneself whatever you want.

But we are talking about what one person calls another. I do not speak of myself in the third person.

Oh, i thought speccy4eyes was getting a telling off for her choice of username.
Don't mind me then, I'm on a different planet half the time.