Husband I think is looking for divorce after 50 years.

Sounds as though he has always been a bully - and you are scared of him ,you do not deserve this.
Dementia most certainly springs to mind though.
Poor memory , being unable to recall a conversation all red flags!!
Speak to your children and tell them exactly what is happening. Get help ASAP.

Men who suffer from impotence can be extremely difficult to live with.
They often blame their partners .
I've been through it and so have several friends.
There's one thing that all of us agree on -it gets worse until life becomes intolerable.
Please get your ducks in a row and leave .

It applies to women who loose desire as well, there are many physical and emotional causes, I know several of my friends stopped having sex in their 60s. What matters is you continue intimacy in other ways, caring for each other, cuddling and romance.

I doubt there's any younger attractive women waiting for a chance to get with a grumpy, wrinkly , violent 75 year man. He'd have to be a millionaire to get a gold digger who'll put up with a 75 yearold . A woman wanting money would want to be virtually guaranteed she's going to get a payout or lifestyle fairly quickly. They won't want to be waiting to see what he gets in a divorce as it can take a long time and there's no guarantee she'll get anything.
The male ego is probably making him think he's such a catch and just losing a bit of weight will make him irresistible to a 20 year old. Sad old pervy men are very common sadly.

He sounds horrible! See a solicitor asap and prepare for the future. I hope it works out well for you but he sounds a nightmare. Best wishes.

Fallingstar

This just sounds dreadful. Get good financial advice and a good solicitor and get out of this marriage. Life is too short to put up with this kind torment.
All the best 💐

There appears to be little love in your marriage. You say he's researching divorce process, i.e. planning to end the marriage to his financial and time advantage. Time for you to take control and do the same.

This is good, straight forward advice from Fallingstar along side as others have said * get your ducks in a row*. Meanwhile and in tandem:

1) Collate electronic copies of all detail of financial assets, income, outgoings, tax paid, pensions, savings, business profits, valuation, trust detail etc.
2) Share with your solicitor if and when you begin divorce proceedings to use in negotiations and/or with a divorce mediator to directly negotiate with your husband how to split the your joint financial assets directly.
3) You mention an £800k business, that you helped build up is "in a trust' for your children. Trusts can be reviewed, changed or ended or reassigned- take legal advice. Notwithstanding the business and trust value whilst you are both still alive in a joint marital financial asset. Your health and well being during and after a divorce process is paramount and your husband needs to understand review of the trust is required to ensure you can be adequately and fairly housed. That is just and respectful.
4) Add up the value of all your assets, including the value of the £800k business and bungalow in which you live. You then know the total which is up for negotiation.
5) You are each entitled to the half the total value of those assets and you can negotiate to stay in the bungalow, if that remains your choice, as part of that total sum to be divided accordingly.
6) On divorce you and your then ex husband will each need to make a new will. If either or both of you wishes to set up a trust to benefit your children, and that remains appropriate once the martial assets are divided that is an option for both of you to consider.
7) In reality your children can still benefit form the separate inheritance of mum and Dad when divorced- the facts the business is currently in a trust should not alter change or delay the divorce asset sharing negotiation.

Good luck and take care 💐

74, wrinkly, balding and impotent, what a catch.
Leave this bully and get the50% of assets you are entitled to in law.

Even gold diggers have standards and he is no catch. He may have early onset dementure as well which I do sympathise with, but remember he has always been a bully.

Look out fir yourself OP. How much older is your husband?

You must protect yourself. If dementia is rearing its ugly head he should not be any where near a gun!
My DH has dementia and reading your posts I can't help but wonder if dementia is present. He may always have veen a difficult man ? Dementia will make the situation even worse.
Bizzare ideas and untrue assumptions are very common ( known as confabulations) and nothing you say will
make him see reason . Its a living hell for the carer! Fortunately my DH is not violent. However I am aware of not contradicting him - his reality is exactly that - reality !
People with dementia are very good at masking, especially if they are intelligent people . When I saw the signs I pushed for POA so glad now that I have that in place. Masking dementia hoodwinks many people and that includes close relatives.
What ever the cause of his behaviour you must take
care of yourself.
Google Alzheimers support they will advise. Would you be able to se his GP? Obviously without POA he / she will not discuss the matter with you but they will be able to listen to you.

It's as awful as you allow it to be.
See a solicitor and make an exit plan; a nice bungalow isn't worth putting up with this treatment for.

A friend developed dementia and started being very hostile to his wife and moving money out of accounts all sorts of strange behavior.
She threatened to divorce him to stop the abuse, that did the trick his solicitor organized joint POA between her and his son, sadly he died about a year later

I did comment earlier but think it does sound like dementIa, it's so sad it's come to this.

welshmist….why on earth would you be ‘really worried’ at this man wants to divorce you?? It sounds to me like it would be a huge blessing if he did!! If he hasn’t been very nice to you since the start of your marriage, even using threats and violence, why would you want to stay married to him? Even if you had to move, it would be better than this life you’re living now, surely? You’ve got a lot of life still to live & you’re worth way more than this - prove it to yourself by taking control of the situation and then you can enjoy the rest of your life!

It can be very scary to start a new life, stillawipp and others.
Please don't be so hard on people who may have been undermined for decades.

Leaving the life you are "coping with" for a (hopefully) better one is not as straightforward as some people think.

"Just leave" is not as easy to do as it is to say.

Please be strong, welshmist, andget an appointment with a solicitor. Just a short one will help you clarify abd start to take back control.
Then, tell your children the truth. Ask them to support you.
Once they know and you are no longer hding this secret you will probably feel more capable.

You are right, however stillawipp - it will be a relief once it's all over and a new life will almost certainly be better than the current one.

Yes, of course, I didn’t mean to imply in any way that doing so would be easy, I was trying to offer encouragement and support to the OP that she could do it.

There is no way to make it magically easy however much advice and encouragement is given:

But having gone through it what helped most of all was having the information from solicitor - finding a supportive one!!!

and any other necessary sources re finances etc

Is the best starting point.

Armed with these, you will find it easier then to consider

could I cope?
what do I really want?
will my family support me (that is, well enough, do not expect them to take sides).

You could find these basics out and report back as to "where next

It sounds mire like dementia than an affair, to be honest.

He needs to see his GP.

welshmist Here is the link you need to find a good specialist divorce solicitor near you solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/ Click on it and then give them the two simple pieces of information it asks for.

I am coming to the conclusion that while you complain constantly about your husband some thing inside you stops you actually doing anything about it. We now know you first raised this issue on GN nearly 10 years ago and despite everyone giving the same advice then as now, in that time you have done absolutely nothing to resolve the issue.

Now you are stalling about finding a solicitor, you cannot use the family solicitor, you will need to find a good specialist solicitor not local. Already I can hear the stalling process on that happening.

Well, I have given you a start. click on the link and two words will give you a list of divorce solicitors in the town of your choice.

Somehow I think you will keep stalling and in 5 years time will be back on GN about wanting to leave your husbnd, but he has been diagnosed with dementia and you do not know what to do. I think the time has come for you to put up and do something or just grit your teeth and knuckle down to the knowledge that you have chosen to live the life you are living and could live for many years to come, despite changing the situation being entirely within your power.

welshmist
If it is dementia, your OH is highly likely to become even nastier to live with over time, but leaving him will only get harder, not easier, if you wait until that is eventually diagnosed.

Don't wait for that to happen and don't put off discussing this with your children either. Better that they know now how things are and have always been, so that they don't end up thinking further down the line that you have abandoned him just because of his dementia.

I know this is a huge step into the unknown and can imagine all too well that you are very afraid to take it, but it is also obvious from your posts that in your heart you really want things to be different.
Be brave. You have been given excellent advice above, so please try to find the strength to take some of that advice and start that move towards taking control of your own future - you only get one life, so try not to let fear of change stop you from taking steps to make sure that the rest of it is as good as it can be.

Good luck 🤞

I think Welshmist is bored now 😂
No response since Wednesday tea time.

I do not think she is ever going to take any action and leave or divorce her husband. I think she just likes playing with the idea and every 5 or 10 years has a good whinge on GN and possibly other sites, gets it all off her chest and just settles back into the comfort of her misery, until she gets fed up again.

The advice given this time is not different to what we suggested last time. Nothing seems to have happened first time round and it will not happen second time round either.

Gosh. That's harsh.

I don't think MOnica was being harsh. She is just stating the facts as she sees them.
They OP never acts on the advice given on Gransnet. I think she probably benefits from 'getting it off her chest ' on here.

It is not uncommon to have threads on GN where it is clear that although the OP comes on here seeming to want advice, they are also full of reasons why now is not quite the right time to take any advise even though they welcome it and agree with it but it always boils down to now not being the right time.

In this case the second para of my last post sums it up.

I agree there have been many of these stories. People take the time to give good advice and it isn’t taken.

The thing that is common to many of these stories is that there’s a lot of money and other assets. That’s what lawyers are for. In this case, there's clearly plenty of money for each to go their separate ways and live very comfortably.

I sometimes think it’s because women are frightened of living alone. But it comes to most of us sooner or later. Even if it’s forced upon us by widowhood, we cope and build a new life.