Gransnet forums

Relationships

How would you have felt?

(44 Posts)
SingingRabbits Thu 13-Aug-26 21:00:29

Mother to her natural born, 14 yr old, female only child: “You’re the cause of all the trouble here!”
Father to same child: “You’re here on sufferance.”
Do you think those parents wanted that child? Your thoughts please.

Hithere Thu 13-Aug-26 21:06:47

More info needed

What trouble is caused?

SingingRabbits Thu 13-Aug-26 21:11:17

A querulous atmosphere in the home between the girl’s parents.

petra Thu 13-Aug-26 21:21:59

It’s a tad difficult to base an opinion on 3 sentances.

M0nica Thu 13-Aug-26 21:27:47

Is this what happened/ is happening to you?

MollyNew Thu 13-Aug-26 21:31:49

There's much more to it than this short interaction.

MissAdventure Thu 13-Aug-26 21:53:20

It'd depend on who I was in this scenario.
An onlooker?
The child?
The parent?

MT62 Thu 13-Aug-26 22:13:30

Have they made those comments at separate times?
Could it have been said at the same time in the heat of an argument?

FriedGreenTomatoes2 Thu 13-Aug-26 22:16:05

Poor girl.

lovethepuppies Fri 14-Aug-26 00:31:49

Sounds like the child may be scapegoated or blamed for problems the adults are ignoring. However, more context is needed. If the child has been skipping school and shoplifting or something, then complaining about consequences the family is having to deal with, it could be fair that she is the cause of the problems she is having to deal with.

SingingRabbits Fri 14-Aug-26 11:13:22

Thanks for your responses.
The young girl was me, now pushing 80 years of age and the remarks were made on different occasions. I hadn’t done anything wrong and was certainly not a social problem or lawbreaker. I had a great sense of duty yet never seemed to succeed in pleasing them. Even in her last days my mother found my presence an irritation.
Why does it still bother me after all these years you may ask? Somehow one never forgets these hurts. There were no telephone helplines in those days and I am still trying to fathom out what was going on in my parents’ minds.

Oreo Fri 14-Aug-26 11:19:01

They were just horrible people SingingRabbits💐 and you were very unlucky, put it down to that.
Parents come in all kinds of guises and it’s all down to luck which we get.

Astitchintime Fri 14-Aug-26 11:23:50

Please let this go SingingRabbits, they are long gone and so are their cruel comments. Don’t let this define you now. For your own peace, focus on today 💐

Ziplok Fri 14-Aug-26 11:31:24

I’m so sorry you had to endure that, SingingRabbits. It’s easy for us to say “forget it and move on”, but you were the one suffering that verbal abuse. I do hope, though, that you can try to let it stay in the past - you were not the problem, they were. As Astitchintime says, try to focus on today - try not to let their cruel words eat you up. 💐

Luckygirl3 Fri 14-Aug-26 11:42:15

We have to let these things go although it is hard as they feed into our sense of self worth at a critical age.
My mum told me she tried the gin and hot bath routine when she found she was pregnant with me .... too much information Mum!

Soozikinzi Fri 14-Aug-26 12:31:51

Im very sorry you had such awful parents . Please allow yourself a few tears for the little girl who had to put up with such remarks . I know I shed a couple this morning on her behalf . Then be proud of all she has achieved since .

Gwyllt Fri 14-Aug-26 16:23:45

I would like to wager such comments were never said in front of anyone It’s easy to say move on but these thoughts have a habit of popping into your mind when you least expect them Try to have a positive thought to try and block it when it does

Cossy Fri 14-Aug-26 16:35:24

One of our sons has a lovely gf.

They live together.

Her mother told her constantly that she and her brothers were the root of all her problems and she wished they’d never been born.

She grew up hearing this frequently.

Mum was the victim of multiple partners domestic abuse, but this does not excuse this.

They have a stable relationship now, but 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

StoneofDestiny Fri 14-Aug-26 16:35:45

So many people had a parent or parents who were unsuitable to be parents. The comments hurt and were meant to hurt. Why they were said will be a mystery.
The only way to triumph over the hurt is to make sure everybody you engage with, especially your own children, feel wanted and valued by you. It's the only way; let good to triumph over bad.

V3ra Fri 14-Aug-26 16:38:37

Apologies if this is way off the mark, however an elderly lady I knew had a childhood that could be described in a similar manner.

She was the result of an affair between her father and another woman; his wife agreed to take the baby in and raise her.
The elderly lady was aware of her situation within the family and never quite felt she belonged or was good enough.
Even in her old age and with a family of her own she had a lot of unresolved feelings of bitterness, about everything really.

The comments you remember just made me wonder if there was more to it than you were aware of?
Like I said, if that's way out of line I apologise and am happy for this post to be removed if you wish.

sodapop Fri 14-Aug-26 16:44:53

How some things stick in your mind don't they even after many years. Sorry your parents were so uncaring SingingRabbits.
Have to admit to being a bit puzzled by your natural born child comment.

Blossoming Fri 14-Aug-26 17:16:11

Poor child, horrible parents. Some people don’t deserve children.

SpinDriftCoastal Fri 14-Aug-26 19:25:07

I had a friend whose mother conceived her at the age of 40 during the war. When the mother was really old, the girl looked after her till she died and the mother said to her: I wish you were never born! I think many people in those days could be very harsh. It was the way they were brought up, possibly in very religious homes or places where one of the parents was a bully or indeed both. Know your place. Children should be seen and not heard. Do as you are told.

Sago Sat 15-Aug-26 08:51:10

That could have been my parents.

“I rue the day you were born and guttersnipe you will end up in the gutter” were the favourite ones!

A mother who was a narcissist and a narcissistic father with a very violent streak, I had no chance.

They were both very low in emotional intelligence and should never have had children.

Today I would have been removed and put in care.

Thankfully they are both dead now, my life is so much better.

Sago Sat 15-Aug-26 08:52:26

Sorry I didn’t answer your question, yes they wanted the child but for all the wrong reasons.