Grannie envy

Don’t see it as a competition as to who can see them the most. You obviously do have contact with your GC , so why not enjoy the times that you do see them, and not anguish about how frequently the other GPs see them?

Make friends with your co-grandparents.

Try to relax and enjoy your grandchildren. I agree with suzied . Life is too short to miss out on the time you do have with them. Good idea Friday you are a blended family now so make friends

I know it's hard, but try and enjoy whatever time you get with your grandchild. Keep on smiling and being so nice that nobody can say a bad word about you!

Good idea Friday..building on that, what about arranging a time when you can invite them all to yours and other grandparents to start integrating with them.

I think it’s difficult to advise here without knowing the history of your relationship with your daughter and her husband. I have always encouraged my 3 to be able to be open and voice issues without deteriorating to arguments. Could you just ask if your grandchildren could come to you one weekend ? It’s a good idea to befriend the other grandparents too. Try to establish if they do have issues with you for some unknown reason.

I have a similar problem as I only see my granddaughter a few times a year for a couple of hours whereas my DiL's mother goes and stays frequently and they visit my DiL's father more often. My son tries to even it up but it is difficult for him. I have just decided that although I don't see her very often - when I do I am the fun granny, the one who plays with her and never chastises or attempts the day to day tasks. Grandchildren love you for who you are not how often they see you. My favourite uncle was the one I saw rarely!!

Been there, done that & got the T shirt!! I totally empathise with your situation, having posted a similar message on tbis site months ago. Happily the situation couldn’t be more different now. I feel much more appreciated and in demand as a busy Granny of 3 under 2 yr olds despite living over 150 miles from them all. Time changes everything, be patient, keep in touch regularly with all family members and try to link with the other GPs. Ours live in France and we even get invited to stay over with them- adults only! That’s progress! Good luck & keep smiling.

Whatever the ins and outs of a particular situation the feeling that you are somehow left out of the grandparent circle is just heartbreaking. There are so many combinations and permutations to all of this but the bottom line is sadness and loss of the joy of the company of your precious little ones. I don't know the answers (so wish I did) but there it is. But what I do know for certain is that women of a certain age (our age) are tough.

It is hard, as the mother of three sons with six grandson's, I find that it's my daughter's in law's parents that always come first!
So now after years of hurt, I'm just intent on making the most of what little time I do have with them......Life is too short to bear grudges and be miserable......

Are you really sure about this? Family life can be tidal in the way relationships go, sometimes it just seems that way but when circumstances change, you might see the ways in which you are valued.

Do you resent helping out with money? Maybe that colours the way you feel or maybe your DD feels awkward until she repays the money and that taints things a little.

I wouldn't dwell on it because you are just suffering for nothing. I am sure your time will come around again.

Although I completely sympathise with your feelings - I mean I have experienced jealousy myself and I know how painful it is, sadly jealous people tend to turn other people off, and it becomes self-fulfilling. Ie your jealousy makes them avoid you and then you become even more jealous. The only way out of this vicious cycle is to learn to completely cover up your negative feelings. Sad, but sometimes we have to play life at its own game

I agree with Coconut. But I would ask: Is it all in your head? Has your daughter said anything that would make you think this way? Is your tone negative to your daughter about it, causing her to respond negatively? Clearly you don't like her partner....is this the root of the problem? So many questions.....ask yourself... and work round it in a positive way....so that you too can enjoy your grandchildren without feeling left out.

It does hurt ,I'm in the reverse situation three daughters in law ,who's parents always come first....... I'm only thought of when no one else is available, well I've come to the conclusion that I've either got to accept that or have no contact at all.
I do think that my sons are to blame though, anything for a quiet life seems to be their attitude......
My daughters in law will learns hard lesson when their sons grow up as it will probably happen to them.... In the mean time I think I'll just get on with making my life good without them.......

I guess the other gran never challenges her over anything so I think you would be wise not to say too much about preferring one side to the other. I suppose the daily care has become a set routine, not sure why she gets the child all weekend as well? I can only suggest that you try a few invites of your own or say you have somewhere special you would like to take her out. As you know some grans on here never see their grandchildren, others like me have some living far away, just make the best of it you can, get creative!

So know the feeling. My DIL's parents live 3 minutes away and we live almost 2 hours away and yes, we too are usually only called upon when the other grandparents aren't available. Our sons take the easy way out. I'm also resigned to the situation.
Like so many others, I'm the "fun " grandma. My DIL's parents are older than us so I'm the one that can run, etc.
The reality of the situation so hurts but it seems the norm. Just treasure the crumbs that you are given. Children don't care how far away you live. They will love you because you are you.

Same here netty. Seen 3yr old for45 mins in total over 3 visits and 1yr old 10mins in one visit. Other GPS see two days a week plus other babysitting. Unfortunately we are the wrong class I believe. Getting on with my life enjoying holidays, clubs, friends and other little people who love having an extra grandma. They can sit in their ivory towers.

Pauladavis48 seems rather unfair but one thing I would suggest is trying to discover why your daughter prefers her in-laws - what is it about them that you don't have? If you get to know that then you have the chance to 'compete' and although there has been much about you not looking at the situation as a competition, in reality, this is what it is. You can reduce the competitive element by becoming friends with the other grandparents, by suggesting a family outing with the grandchildren and the other grandparents without your daughter and son-in-law. I think you need to try to 'get in there' and set your own routines.

Paula, is there some reason dd doesn't have her children around you too often? Do you smoke? Refuse to use car seats? Argue with her parenting decisions? Anything that would make her feel more comfortable with the pgps?

Perhaps pgm comes over every day because she helps out with housework or kids? Maybe she has them on the weekends to give the parents some time alone. Would you do these things?

Dd may have a "comparment" for each gp in her mind. Pgps help out and watch kids on weekends. Mgm helps us out financially. Is there a reason for this?

I feel for you, but I'm glad you're not going to bring this up again. Arguing with dd about it could cause that rift you talk about. You can try some of the suggestions given. But if all else fails, please just accept things as they are. Pressuring for more will only get you less.

Hi Paula I don't have any advice (no experience) but you've had good advice. I just want to say I do hope Paula Davis is a made up name, and 48 doesn't give your age away - these forums are public.

I understand how you feel pauladavis48, I rarely see DS’s lovely boys because they live so far away, and DIL’s parents - seem to always be there. I don’t know how the future will pan out because DS is divorcing but I see DD’s DD four days (including a weekly sleepover) and twin DSs twice a week and that is a blessing.
Maybe the ‘money tree’ needs to gently shed its leaves next time a loan is requested - it does seem that you are taken for granted

I feel for you completely. Our daughter/step daughter is close to us but her MiL is obsessed with her own son and the children and has been very clever in staying with them a lot and even moving to the same town!

I have been hurt more often than I can count over the past few years by this woman (!) who just takes whatever she wants .... or so it seems to me.

I then read a book, ‘Toxic In laws’, which was discussed on another GN thread and it’s amazing! I am now much more relaxed, don’t try to compete (it’s absolutely NOT a competition) and can see how the types of ‘toxic’ in laws that the author describes (engulfing, controlling, rejecting, abusive or chaotic - or bits of all of these types) can be overcome or ignored. And interesting to consider, as the author suggests, how do the other grandparents view us? Do they see us as a threat because, eg, we have more money, etc? It’s also changed for the better how I feel about some neighbours and work colleagues!

As others have said, be kind, don’t criticise, offer what you can without conditions.

Hopefully it will right itself ?

Crumbs! We're very lucky in that we get on with all the other GPs. I know that the GC enjoy coming here because their GD does exciting things with them but the other GPs do different things too so it all works out in the end. Being friendly with the other GPs is very important I think as we all have the GC's welfare at heart - but you don't have to be best buddies.

It is so tempting to get into the competitive grandparenting thing. Unfortunately, although you may try to hide it, it will come over and will make DD not want to spend more time with you. Grandchildren get different things from different grandparents and they have a tremendous capacity for love. Just enjoy them and try not to be paranoid.