PLEASE help me get on with my MIL!

Oh dear.

Perhaps someone will be along in a moment with advice, but I'm sorry, I don't have any.
Perhaps you could buy her a dog for Christmas - but, don't forget, a dog is for life, not just for Christmas.

I'd suggest deciding in advance how often you plan to see her. Once a month should really be sufficient. If she wants more you can just say that doesn't work for you. (It doesn't.)

If she tries to touch you just say you don't want to be touched. If she persists, move away from her or leave.

Don't tell her how much time you spend with your own mum.

Address her inappropriate behaviour in the moment. "What do you mean by that? I'm sorry but a visit every week doesn't work for us. Now how about that weather we're having? Never mind how much time he spends with my mum, what have you been up to?"

She doesn't sound toxic, just a bit overbearing. Best way to nip it in the bud I would say is see her on a schedule you can manage, keep to it, and don't let her complain.

Also, don't feel that you have to be constantly available or constantly replying to her texts. If she complains just say you're busy and choose a frequency - say once a week or something - that you can make time to chat.

What does your DH think about her behaviour?

Oh dear indeed. I'm amazed that mums with babies/young children have the time to write these lengthy posts.

Sorry Nella I don't have advice for you. For all I know, your MIL might be mostly a nice person with a few idiosyncrasies.

I blame social media.

Your problem is the personality of the woman, who just happens to be your MiL rather than specifically a general MiL problem, so unless one of us has ever come across someone who behaves in this way, it is difficult to know how to advise you, although she does sound intensely irritating and like you, I would find an over-tactile woman, would make my skin crawl. Can your DH not offer any advice, she is his mother?

Do you reply to every text and mail? If you do, why not cut that back and only acknowledge them every hour, gradually getting less frequent. If you have a young baby, they are very demanding of your time and you cannot respond every time.

Have you thought how would you deal with someone like this if you had to work with them? It does help one to look at the situation like this in a more impersonal way.

Apart from that all I can do is sympathise

It's practically impossible to change any adults behaviour but what you can change is your reaction to their behaviour.
So, you've got a bit of a dappy Mil but all she is doing is trying, in her own way to be nice to you.
Ok! It's not coming across very well and she's not exactly your cup of tea but she's pretty harmless.
If the texts and messages irritate you, don't look at them, perhaps go through them all, once a day, while rolling your eyes and then give her one big "thankyou" text/message,saying you've been busy.
You say that you feel she is trying to compete for your time and affection with your own Dm but if that is really what she's doing, she's not going to win that competition any time soon, is she? But my guess is, she again is just trying to be nice!
So, let it all go over your head, count to 10 and it will all settle down soon, hopefully.
Oh! And keep your hair out of her reach. That is a bit cringe, I must admit.

Was she like this before the baby arrived? Is there a FIL? If its recent I wonder if her emotions have got all over the place with the babes arrival. This is very difficult for you and for the sake of the future I think you will have to cut back visits and make it quite clear you don't like being stroked etc. As far as the texts go answer the first one of the day to confirm you are alright, otherwise you may find her on the doorstep, and then just leave it unless you wish to communicate on that day.

Gosh stroking hair? How odd!

If I were you I would reply to her frequent contacts only once a day/ 2 days and always late at night or v early.
e.g. "Now I have a moment to say hi! So busy with a baby and tiring. Am off to sleep now, Will let you know if we have time to catch up with you at the week end/next month/tomorrow!"

I would ask her to look after baby for an hour or so each week/fortnight (or whatever suits you) so you can catch up with a friend for coffee/ have your nails done/browse the shops /go for a walk...

If this woman is really like this then you need to set the parameters of what you can manage and that will not make her feel excluded. She may calm down when she sees she has a place in your life!

She seems a bit eccentric, but very loving. Stroking soneone's hair is a very affectionate gesture in some cultures. You are lucky to have such a dear m.i.l. But I can understand your frustrations at what you consider her silliness. I have one grown up daughter and 2 daughters-in-law...on the odd occasion I might give them a spontaneous hug and a kiss, if for instance they have done something nice for me.
My d.i.ls have their own loving mothers who they are very close to and I wouldn't dream of competing with them for their affection. That's a no-win situation.
Just be nice to her and very tactfully and jovially tell her "oh, I've just had my hair done "
And all those texts !!!! I am very conscious of phoning or texting them because they have enough on their plate, looking after husband and children, to constantly check and reply to my texts. At the end of the day, I am not a close buddy, I am a mother-in-law, who at best, they tolerate and at worst, they hate ?
As someone suggested, just reply to her texts, once a day, in the night, thanking her for her messages.
I love to see my grandchildren, but I leave it to them to decide if and when. One of them is more 'sociable' and lives company.....the other less so. It's all fine by me

nella8 your little one is only 4 months old. Soon he will be more active and moving about a lot more. I think when that time comes your MIL will spend more of her time playing with him than bothering you. You sound like a really nice person and it would be terrible to deprive your MIL of visits with your son (as some have suggested) just because she is acting a bit OTT. If you can try and put up with it for another month or two I bet you will find her attention is so much on your son it will not be an issue and you may well be glad of some help keeping an eye on him while you get some jobs done.

Thank you for your response Grannyknot, but I generally find that with a bit of planning, I don’t struggle to manage my house, look after my child and still have time to myself in the evenings. Perhaps I’m doing it wrong, but I haven’t yet found that motherhood is as frantic and unmanageable as some.
And yes, as my post states, my mother in law is a beautiful soul who only wants to be nice to me. I was asking for advice how I can learn to live with her idiosyncrasies. But thank you for your valuable contribution.

Thank you all so much for your advice. She and my fil do live fairly far away so they unfortunately aren’t able to visit often, and when they do they tend to stay for a couple of weeks. So I absolutely wouldn’t want to discourage visits. My sh FaceTimes them every other day so they can see my son and I send my mil pictures of the baby frequently so that they aren’t missing out too much. I will definitely reduce the number of calls, texts and emails I answer and just claim I was busy, hopefully that should help. The petting may be more awkward, but perhaps I can through the baby under the bus a bit and she can get her physical affection out on him! Hopefully he’ll appreciate it more than his prickly mummy!

Gosh stroking hair? How odd!
I found myself absentmindedly plaiting my DIL's hair the other week.
But perhaps I am odd.

Perhaps you could buy her a dog for Christmas
The reason I suggested a dog was not to be humorous - it was serious. Stroking a dog or cat is supposed to be therapeutic and perhaps your MIL needs more physical contact and is a very 'huggy' person. Perhaps having an animal she can cuddle and stroke would help her.

A 2-week visit is really a long time, especially if you see them every few months.

Is it an option to see them for only a week at a time? I'm not suggesting cutting out visits entirely - I think she's a little eccentric but not toxic. Rather I think decreasing the time she spends with you at a stretch will likely be easier for you both.

Wow. If this started when the baby came - or when you were pregnant - it may just be that mil is overly excited. (Is this her first gc?).

Also, people often advise mils to cultivate a friendly relationship with their dil if they want a relationship with their gc. Some even give the well-meaning advice to 'treat her like a daughter." Problem is not everybody treats their dds the same exact way, and not every dil is in the market for a "2nd mum" (I know I wasn't). Plus, she may simply be trying too hard. Ugh!

Or maybe she was always like this. What does dh say?

I agree with other posters that one way to help ease this problem is to cut down the number of texts, etc. Also, I agree with agnurse about shortening the visits. I'm not sure I could survive one week with this woman, no matter how well-intended her behavior is - but 2 weeks? - blimey!

But none of that will change the way you feel about the touchy-feely stuff when she's there. You may have to tell her that you don't like being hugged by any but your nearest & dearest (or a better wording). And you may have to remove her hand when she starts stroking your head, and let her know you don't appreciate that.

On the flip side, perhaps she needs reassuring that she's going to be part of baby's life. You would think the pictures, etc. would do it, but she may need to hear it. Maybe find a moment to let her know that you want your child to have a good relationship with all his gps and that you're glad she and fil are in his life. But also let her know you, personally, need more space.

Other posters are right, in time, she may turn her affections more to your ds (sigh of relief). But if you see her overwhelming him with her attention/affection, you (and dh) will have to be prepared to stop that, too.

I wonder if your m.i.l. knows someone who, due a bad relationship with their d.i.l. has lost contact with their son and GC Nella.

Sadly there are many in this very sad situation and perhaps as some have suggested, she's trying too hard. I would move away to deal with the hair stroking, rather than say anything. If she is anxious about her relationship, saying something may make her more so.

I think to just respond to her messages once a day is an excellent idea. IMO to reduce the length of visits at this stage would be counter productive. If she is worried about her relationship with you, doing so could make matters worse.

Try not to over think this. I understand why you're finding this rather suffocating but she isn't necessarily being insincere. You come across as a kind and caring d.i.l. that many m's.i.l. would be extremely grateful for which may be one reason for her over enthusiasm.

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Having now read about it a bit more I think this is a clash of two nice personalities, you calm, organised, friendly and her emotions all on the surface, tactile etc she is also I suspect trying too hard at present and thrilled with the baby. I hope it all calms down. Two weeks is a very long time to have them to stay, we find a week for long distance DD about enough for all of us.

2 weeks! too long. That is what I would find hard to cope with.

I have a friend like this. I have known her for 18 years and have learned that it is simply her nature and that she actually has very low self esteem, is lonely and craves attention (not in a narcissistic way). What has worked for me is to keep strict boundaries about not getting drawn in, don't feel obliged to react or reply in kind, if you don't genuinely feel the same. My friend is incredibly generous and has been taken advantage of many times by others. She values my honesty and openness and we remain friends. Hope this helps.

I'm sure you will find this improves as the baby gets older - she will probably transfer some of the physical affection to the baby. Presumably she doesn't work as she can come to stay for two weeks at a time (too long!) so perhaps it would help if she had something else to fill her life. Does she have any interest apart from her family? Is she the sort of person who might volunteer with a charity. It might help if she had other people who appreciated and needed her. Just a suggestion.

She sounds as if she is looking for reassurance and is also a genuinely warm and affectionate person. It’s a good problem to have really, but the whole in law thing is difficult sometimes. Could you not just see her as your own mother and love her back? Sometimes when people are annoying me with their idiosyncrasies I pretend in my mind that they are the people I love most in the world and I think the extra warmth I then feel comes over and I stop being irritated. Xx

Some people are just more tactile than others, just walk away if you don’t like her touching your hair etc she will soon understand. Texts, calls etc can be ignored as the more you respond the more she will carry on. It is a shame as her heart seems to be in the right place, just a little eccentric. Your heart is also in the right place, hence your post, so am sure you will deal with it all tactfully with minimum upset.