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Roommate relationship

(126 Posts)
Uptodate Tue 26-Jan-21 03:00:56

Me and my partner have been together over 30 years, I'm 57 he's 61. For the last 3 years we have slept in separate rooms and physical contact consists of a peck on the cheek when we go to bed. I don't miss the actual having sex and apparently neither does he but I just feel like we are together out of convenience. We get along ok and he's a good bloke but I sometimes wonder what was the point of the last 30 years to just end up in a relationship where you are only there because you are. Don't get me wrong this has nothing to do with me wanting anybody else I'm ok on my own which is how I've felt pretty much for the last few years. I just feel like we're plodding along,going through the motions of day to day life but he seems to act as though everything is hunky dory, although I can't believe he really thinks that. Ithink what I'm trying to say is that I just feel really sad that our relationship has gone down this path and I know there's no going back because it's been to long, which is both our faults. I just wondered if anybody else was in this position and how do you feel? Ramble over.

Nicegranny Tue 26-Jan-21 03:09:06

Hey that’s really sad.
It’s never too late to change a situation but if you are financially tied it makes things more difficult.
Would you like to live alone, do you think it would be better ?

Speaking as a confirmed single woman l love my own space.

Uptodate Tue 26-Jan-21 03:23:55

Sorry, meant to put this in the relationship section

Nicegranny Tue 26-Jan-21 03:24:55

I think it’s an interesting post

FannyCornforth Tue 26-Jan-21 03:34:49

Hello Uptodate I'll ask for it to be moved to the Relationship board for you.

Uptodate Tue 26-Jan-21 03:37:41

Thanks Nice granny & FannyCornforth

Juliet27 Tue 26-Jan-21 03:58:17

You’re not alone Update. You’re describing my marriage!

Nicegranny Tue 26-Jan-21 04:06:28

Must find the thread Juliet and Update because I decided to go it alone at 50 years old. It’s been tough and I paid a heavy price but now l am very happy.

BlueBelle Tue 26-Jan-21 06:35:55

I think love can survive without sex Why do you sleep in separate bedrooms though , surely you can sleep together without sex you say neither of you miss the sex side of your life and aren’t yearning for another partner so there must be more to this than you are thinking or knowing
What’s the answer chucking away a beautiful friendship after 30 years but for what ???
If you really like each other and don’t want anyone else and have a good friendship you sound as if you ve both got into a total rut and are boring each other ... so spice up your life
(after CoviD) and do things you like together, try some new hobbies new things both of you could try

If you’re really not that keen on him then yes move on but don’t expect it to be any different unless you feel he is holding you back from some dreams of yours

Uptodate Tue 26-Jan-21 10:38:54

I was going through menopause and my sleep pattern was all over the place. So as not to disturb him I would sleep in the spare room. That was on odd occasions but most of the time we slept together, shared cuddles, chatted about all sorts and it felt like our bonding time. He then moved lock stock and barrel into the spare room which I felt rejected at first but don't have a problem with now, in fact it's been so long I don't want him back in my bed. The thing is we go to our separate rooms at night and don't see each other till the comes home from work the following evening. We have tea, abit of mindless chat, peck on the cheek, go to bed...repeat. We no longer talk about our future life together and I don't feel like there is much of a bond there anymore. It's almost like we've been weaned off each other. Like I said before we don't argue about anything I just feel sad about ending up in this nothing relationship

NanaandGrampy Tue 26-Jan-21 11:48:19

Have you actually told him how you feel Uptodate ? If you're perpetuating the mindless chat then how will he know how you feel? Men are a lot of things but most aren't mind readers.

If you're unhappy then you owe it to yourself to tell him. You're right he might feel the same BUT he might not . He might be oblivious.

Or maybe you don't want to fix things? You wont know until you talk about it.

paddyanne Tue 26-Jan-21 13:21:34

Cant you make an effort? Give him a hug when you pass him ,in the kitchen or hall or just touch him on the arm or shoulder .Maybe thats all it would take for him to realise he misses physical contact too.Or maybe he does know and doesn't want to pressure you.You wont know until you talk about it.

Redhead56 Tue 26-Jan-21 13:55:03

I think when this ‘stay at home’ ends we will all feel relieved. As you get out and do what you usually do that will hopefully improve your life at least. If passion has gone for whatever reason there can still be love and respect for each other.

I am sure when we can each and everyone of us will appreciate our lives even more after this dreadful time. Making plans for trips and seeing family and friends again will lift your spirits. I don’t think this is the right time to make hasty decisions. Your partner doesn’t sound bad and it’s better than being on your own.

Tea3 Tue 26-Jan-21 14:05:21

Have you children? Likelihood of grandchildren? I look back at my marriage when I was your age and I now see it as a period of marking time. The arrival of grandchildren brought joy into our lives and marriage and the whole dynamic changed. And I do think it suits some couples to have their own bedrooms and some personal space later in life.

Charleygirl5 Tue 26-Jan-21 15:44:36

Fanny Cornforth gosh- I am impressed, do you have a magic number for GNHQ any time. There have been times when they have been otherwise engaged and I have waited for hours.

Esspee Tue 26-Jan-21 16:47:48

May I ask whether you do all the cooking and household chores? If so do you feel you are being treated rather like a housekeeper?
If this is the case you are being taken advantage of and it is time for him, or you to move out.
I hope that your finances are completely separate. Not being married can make things difficult legally.

Uptodate Tue 26-Jan-21 22:18:55

Esspee, I do pretty much take on most of all the household chores but as I'm at home and he works I'm ok with that. Don't get me wrong he's really good at all the DIY and will help out if asked. Like I've said he's a good bloke (most of the time) it just feels sad that we seem to be living together more like friends than partners. Before covid we'd go away on holidays, mini breaks etc but even then it doesn't seem as though we're doing it as a couple. There just doesn't seem to be any joy in the relationship anymore and because it's gone on like this for so long I can't see anyway back. The odd time he does try to hug me or asks for a hug just now feels awkward and I think this is what makes me feel the saddest, that the man I've lived with for over 30 years and had children with, I no longer feel at ease with just having a simple hug. To have grown apart and lost the bond we used to have,it just pees me off and I know it's starting to make me feel resentful towards him.

Marjgran Wed 27-Jan-21 08:33:12

Do something. Have a screaming row. Anything. Three years after 27 is not that long.

Lynn1959 Wed 27-Jan-21 08:33:23

Describing mine too. Just wish I had courage to leave☹️

CarlyD7 Wed 27-Jan-21 08:39:45

Is it okay to ask - what made him move "lock, stock and barrel" into the spare room in the first place? Did you talk about why he did that at the time? Did he know at the time that you felt hurt? I'm just wondering if you have a relationship where, over time, less and less talking about problems has been done because neither of you want to "rock the boat" or don't like conflict? How have you resolved your differences in the past? Or did the children distract the pair of you from needing to address difficulties in your relationship because you could focus on them instead? (very common - which is why so many couples have problems and even split up after the children leave home). So, now, that avoidance has become a way of life? Just a thought.

Catlover21 Wed 27-Jan-21 08:42:15

That’s me too but I am happy that we share friendship and companionship. The romance has gone but the memories and love remains albeit in a platonic way.

Gma29 Wed 27-Jan-21 08:45:18

We drifted into something even more separate, but started along very similar lines. It’s too late to change where we’ve ended up, but looking back I feel quite sad we allowed it to just happen. It has to be said that as the changes happened gradually I didn’t regret them at the time, but they snowballed, and left us barely together, and like you, I have a feeling of loss.

If I had the time again, I would try and address the issues as they arose (like why it was suddenly easier to have separate rooms), rather than just let the relationship wither away altogether. I'm left in limbo; married, but without a partner or companion. I don’t want anyone else, but so wish we’d tried to keep what we originally had.

If you still want to be with your husband, rather than by yourself, I would really try to talk about how you feel, and see if you can get back some if the togetherness.

Teddy123 Wed 27-Jan-21 08:46:05

So many couples stay together when they're frustrated both mentally and physically. It takes so much courage to make the final decision. Perhaps the Covid situation brings 'life' into focus. As the saying goes "life isn't a dress rehearsal".

All I can suggest is that you sit him down and have a very difficult conversation with him and try to get him to open up about how he feels. On the other hand, the grass is often less green on the other side. Marriage should have mandatory 10 year renewal contracts.

Good Luck

pennykins Wed 27-Jan-21 08:46:39

I have been married for 44 years and feel exactly the same as you and have been for the last 15 years. We do share a bed but that is all. We love cruising but that has all come to an end and not sure we will ever be able to go again.
He can be very good and was when I broke my ankle last year and I think that suited him that I had to rely on him. He does not want me to be independent and I now realise that he always wanted it to be him and I but since the physical part of our stopped, I feel there is nothing left, just endless being fed up with each other.
We have a 37 years old son living with us at the moment and he always tries to start my son and I arguing. My only pleasure is a bottle of wine every night which he is extremely nasty about.

Sheila11 Wed 27-Jan-21 08:49:40

My husband and I also have separate bedrooms. He snores so loudly I ended up going in to the spare room most nights, so in the end I just moved in there. We were living together at that point, having met each other in our 50’s.
We have since got married and bought a house together. We share the chores and have companionship, which we didn’t have before. We haven’t had sex since our wedding night 😂 but neither of us miss it really. Sometimes I feel our relationship is a bit odd, but neither of us wanted to be on our own. We are both happy for each other to live our own life. Neither of us could have afforded to buy a house on our own, and we both like having someone to come home to. If it works it’s ok. It doesn’t have to be what society thinks it should be.
Living on your own can be lonely and stressful. If you still like each other and you allow each other freedom to follow your own path I think that’s wonderful.
Good luck with whatever you do.