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Going No Contact and Inheritance

(76 Posts)
snowberryZ Sun 02-Jan-22 17:36:49

I have a question for people who are No Contact with a family member.
What happens when that estranged parent dies and it's Inheritance Time?

Do you turn up and expect a share?
Should you?
Is it right to expect money off a parent whom you want nothing to do with?

I'm asking this question because one of my siblings ( we're all mid 40s) hasn't spoken to my mother for over 10 years . My mother divorced my father. At the time sister sided with 'let me buy you a car' daddy. My brother and I tried to remain unbiased.

Fastforward,
My mother has her own property, left to her by the man she married.
She has recently developed a chronic illness that will shorten her life considerably.
and has recently been talking about making sure her will is up-to-date and in order, should anything happen.

Which is why I'm on here asking these questions. It has the cogs turning!

She gets very upset at my sister's treatment of her and has tried numerous times over the years to reconnect but is blanked at every step of the way.
There are many tears.

I've tried my best to be a bridge between the two of them,
I've even looked at support sites.
If you fall down the rabbit hole of the No Contact Sites (yes there are sites devoted to it) I would no doubt be labelled a flying monkey!
I spent days trawling through them, to try and understand things from my sister's point of view. (In a way I've lost a sister)
Some of the sites talk a lot of sense but others have a distinct cultish feel to them.
My mother was definitely not a narcissist. We had a lovely childhood growing up.
If anything our father was the awkward one and could be quite nasty towards our friends at times.
Another disturbing thing I've noticed, is that it's nearly always the mothers that get given this NC treatment. Not so much the fathers.
Why is this?
Strange how it's the mothers who are also labelled Narcissist.
as you can see I've picked up some of the jargon. grey rock and low contact are two more phrases that get bandied about a lot.

Because the subject of wills has come up its got me thinking.
What happens years down the line when the parent you're no contact with is due to leave a lot of money?
Do you stick to your convictions and stay No Contact ?
Or, do you have an about turn and decide, Hey! ker ching! Maybe she weren't so bad after all?

I realise my post sounds a bit bitter and I suppose it is.
I'm bitter on behalf of my mother who is a lovely lady and doesn't deserve to be treated like this. All because she got divorced.
She didn't leave a young family. We had all moved out and were settled by the time she left him.
I'm also bitter that my sister has been brainwashed into doing this incredibly cruel thing on what seems to me to me to have no justifiable reason.

I appreciate that there are very good reasons why some people go No Contact with a
Parent, due to abuse and cruelty, but this isn't one of them. I know all that.

About the money
I'm sure my mother will keep my sister in her will.
Unlike my sister, she's not cruel.

Germanshepherdsmum Sun 02-Jan-22 17:44:41

It’s entirely your mother’s decision who she leaves anything to. Respect her decision. Whether someone should expect to inherit is irrelevant.

Hithere Sun 02-Jan-22 17:45:49

As an EAC, I truly do not expect anything.

Grandpanow Sun 02-Jan-22 17:47:06

You should just support your mother in whatever is meaningful to her. It’s her decision to make.

Oopsadaisy1 Sun 02-Jan-22 17:48:00

I’m sure your Mother loves and misses her other daughter.

Mattsmum2 Sun 02-Jan-22 17:49:56

Your post is truly sad and it makes me sad knowing that family members, those that you are supposed to care the most for, can act in this way. Ultimately it’s your mothers decision what her will looks like, you will eat yourself up inside by not respecting that. Hope this works out for you all.

snowberryZ Sun 02-Jan-22 17:53:37

I absolutely agree it's her decision who she leaves money to.

I am genuinely interested to hear whether people who go No Contact with their parents when they're young adults actually realise that they are potentially cutting tthemselves and their children off from future inheritances.

Not everyone will be as forgiving as my mother.

I'm not sure I could bring myself to leave money to someone who refuses to have anything to do with me.

freedomfromthepast Sun 02-Jan-22 17:53:48

As an EAC, I do not want nor expect anything. If my mother were to decide to leave me something, I would immediately pass it through to my kids. If it helps them with a down payment on a house, then that is a positive thing she has done finally.

Poppyred Sun 02-Jan-22 17:54:24

I know what you mean. On her conscience be it. There is nothing you can do about it unless she is willing to rethink her actions and cut your mum some slack.

Be thankful that you are nothing like your sister.

VioletSky Sun 02-Jan-22 17:58:47

As an EAC I don't expect or want anything. I wouldn't want or expect anything if we had a wonderful relationship.

It is up to your mum who she leaves her estate to and I hope you won't resent it if your sister receives a share.

Grandpanow Sun 02-Jan-22 18:00:03

Not an estranged young adult, but I think the only reason I’d disinherit one of my children is if they had a substance abuse issue or something in which ready access to money would be bad for them. It feels quite vindictive and controlling to do it because they didn’t speak to me etc like I like. I would suspect most people who break of contact aren’t worried about getting money from their parents- otherwise they’d be in contact for money when living. But just an observation.

Elizabeth27 Sun 02-Jan-22 18:00:45

I do not know the age of your sister but assume there was contact for longer than there was no contact.

This is completely your mothers' decision which you have to accept, dwelling on it will change nothing but will make you angry.

snowberryZ Sun 02-Jan-22 18:03:34

As an EAC I don't expect or want anything. I wouldn't want or expect anything if we had a wonderful relationship.

It is up to your mum who she leaves her estate to and I hope you won't resent it if your sister receives a share.

Yes it's up to my mum.I
And I wouldn't present it.
I am however allowed to privately think that it's an extremely shitty thing do do -
To only get back in contact with someone when there's money involved.

Visgir1 Sun 02-Jan-22 18:04:52

Speak to a solicitor, they will be unbiased and give options.
Such a shame.

snowberryZ Sun 02-Jan-22 18:06:19

Grandpanow
I think there's a big difference between someone 'not speaking to me' and having someone cut you out of their lives for 10 Whole Years!

Urmstongran Sun 02-Jan-22 18:08:59

‘Where there’s a Will there’s a Relative!’ Comes to mind. 😂

trisher Sun 02-Jan-22 18:12:20

I wonder snowberryZ about the relationship with your dad. Did you both take sides? You with mum and your sister with dad? Is that the reason you are estranged from her? If so and your dad is still alive perhaps you could rebuild a relationship with her through him.
I think it is enirely your mum's decision who she leaves her money to but I'm sure she won't want to make the situation between you and your sister worse by leaving her out.

Grandpanow Sun 02-Jan-22 18:12:35

Sure. Just saying how I’d feel about it. Ultimately, everyone’s estate is their own to settle as they wish. I’ve inherited unexpectedly from an aunt estranged from her kids and had people ready to tear about the family about it, and walked away from it to avoid the drama. As a mother, I personally wouldn’t want my estate to be a source of conflict between my children (or cousins). Clearly, my aunt felt differently.

VioletSky Sun 02-Jan-22 18:14:50

snowberry I don't think reading EAC forums or asking us will do you any good. We are all different.

You should talk it out with your sister

Germanshepherdsmum Sun 02-Jan-22 18:33:23

In the early part of my career I worked in local government and made applications to the Court of Protection to deal with the property of people in local authority care homes who didn’t have capacity to do so themselves. This included obtaining consent for the sale of property to pay for care home fees. I will never forget the relatives who didn’t want to know before the person died but suddenly came out of the woodwork demanding to know what had happened to assets which certainly didn’t exist when we became involved. Their greed over the property of people they couldn’t even be bothered to visit had to be seen to be believed.

mumofmadboys Sun 02-Jan-22 18:42:29

My feeling is that a parents love should be unconditional. I therefore think if a AC estranged me I would leave all my children equal shares regardless.

AmberSpyglass Sun 02-Jan-22 18:42:50

Just because you feel like the situations described in EAC forums don’t apply to you doesn’t mean to get to mock them or the terms and strategies they use.

Jaxjacky Sun 02-Jan-22 18:46:33

As others have said, up to your mother who she names in her will, when writing it she may recall previous years, there could have been an issue between your mother and your sister you know nothing about. Your mother may need to use her assets for care.
I think you’re fretting over nothing.

Chewbacca Sun 02-Jan-22 19:03:47

I'd be offended if I was left anything in my mother's will. It would feel like she was having the last word. Again.

silverlining48 Sun 02-Jan-22 19:07:07

It’s obviously up to your mother but I have a friend with a sister who without explanation estranged herself from her mother 30 years ago. There has been no contact in all these years even though they have on occasion attended family funerals. When friends mum was seriously ill she told her sister, still no contact.
What friends mum has done in her Will is leave her estranged daughter £1000 with a letter explaining her reasons.
I would be surprised if the sister expects to get an inheritance, why would she want anything from someone she wants nothing to do with.