husband enmeshed with his mother

I moved nearly 15 years ago because MIL was bereaved to the county she was living in. I knew we would offer support etc and make sure she was ok. She was 74. Little did I realise how debilitating and upsetting this arrangement would be.

My mother had died 10 years before- my husband lost his job at the same time and we ended up in NZ as he wanted a new experience and did not think about my father being bereaved.

Fast forward every weekend for nearly 15 years- bar illness holidays and the odd plumber attending eg a generous 7 Saturdays he has walked out the door to see his Mother. So at least 45 Saturdays They pre -arrange behind my back to meet up on a Saturday. She did live 25 mins from us and one time it got dark on a winters afternoon and she did not want to drive home so stayed the night. I told my husband that was not right and boundaries needed to be put in place. They both just carried on.

This has continued for nearly 15 years - he never has discussed their arrangements. She expects Saturdays to be about her. They are both retired and he can see her during the week. She has always been about her, never cut the Apron strings and they both are oblivious to the hurt they have caused me eg no spontaneity. I am sure they could meet up during the week . It is a control issue by both.

36 years ago when pregnant with twins and working full time with an hour commute she turned up with her husband to our one bed roomed flat. She said my husband had said she/they could stay the night. I said I had not been told and it was a one bed roomed flat. Oh she said you have a sofa bed. They lived 20 miles away. No asking how I was etc.

I have had 2 presents from her. One was an outfit from the market for the twins and the first one - was a baby blanket costing 50 p and two costing 25p from a Charity shop.

She has screwed my husband for years financially etc but he is seriously enmeshed. He totally focuses on her above all else. We have had to have her on what I think are big holidays. Even I think now she is above our adult children- always told them invite Grandma phone Grandma. One mothers day he arranged a restaurant for the adult kids to spend lunch with her and for the Mothers Day Sunday- oh restaurants full you will have to do a BBQ- WTF in March.

He does not think he does anything wrong.

She is a fit and healthy older woman who has destroyed my marriage .

There is no way I treat my almost DIL. I rarely get a Birthday card having endured her for 9 days at Xmas.

My Husband has siblings- all overseas now but did sweet FA when in the UK. So everything on us. She never had inlaws.

Yes I get she needs to be seen but I am sure most erudite and balanced individuals would accept a visit on a Wednesday pm / Monday Morning/ Thursday afternoon etc and yes at the weekend.

Just wondered if you thought this was reasonable or bizarre as my father was totally ignored. BTW his brother rarely contacts her and has not seen her for 8 years since moving to France. Prior - he saw her twice a year max in the UK and never did Xmas- that shite was dumped on me.

I guess I think if dealt a different set of cards our marriage would have been brilliant but she interfered very early in pregnancy.

I am very aware to not do this with my almost DIL and have a really good relationship- we go to the theatre, have meals out, I give her nice birthday pressies but eg because they were busy it was 4 months before we saw them. Do I what's app complaining- do I exploit where they live etc. No not one word - just a pleasant how are you guys- what have you been up to.

No-one else seems to have had my experience. I am 68 should be enjoying the prime of our retirement but every weekend is spoilt by her.

I was wondering if I died before my husband would he realise. Well that would be too late.

Apologies for whinging but I need to vent.

BTW I don't have friends . My dear ones have died or moved too far away. I have great acquaintenances but they live the lives I should.