Private messaging

Please stop it everyone [covers ears with hands emoticon].
I have only been on GN a few months but that's long enough to have observed that whenever one of these spats breaks out, someone seems to get hurt and stop posting.
I think that's a great pity.
It's so easy to misinterpret posts, either to give offence unintentionally or to take it when none is intended. We all enjoy a robust argument I think, but these two threads have been something different.
Sorry isn't such a difficult word after all

Oh God. Here they all come.

Usual lot.

I HAD EVERY RIGHT TO PUT THIS THREAD UP.

There is something strangely familiar about this.

Jo you are in the middle of a disharmonious thread again. This seems to be happening more and more frequently at the moment.
Greatnan oxygen makes a fire burn more brightly.
I agree that if anyone receives a PM they think breaks forum rules (or the law) then they should get in touch with GNHQ.

greatnan as someone who works full-time I don't often have time to post, so I don't think we have a 'history'. But I am very aware of your 'great sorrow' and I'm grateful I don't have this kind of pain in my life. I have read both relevant threads carefully.

I do think there is a bit if verbal fencing going on between some posters who have a bit of a history and it's hard to assess how much is said tongue in cheek and how much has a deliberate sting in the tail.

Having said that, do you think perhaps you are sometimes either sensitive to remarks which may not have been deliberately intended to hurt or perhaps feel the need to hit out because of your pain? Sometimes it might be that you are seeking reassurances from friendly posters that you are in the right?

I'm NOT trying to be hurtful, just asking that you look inside yourself honestly to see if any of these could be possible?

I have just re-read the Perfect Mother thread and I cannot see one post from jingl which directly addresses Greatnan's relationship with her daughter. I'm actually at a loss to understand which posts Greatnan finds hurtful, as they seem to be pretty general.
The other person's posts are quite obviously directed at Greatnan.

Greatnan Do you ever apologise when you are wrong? Once again you have chosen to distort what I said! Anyone reading this latest post would think I had said something totally different to what I did.

Movedalot - you say you always think the best of people, but you were ready to accept that somebody had sent jingle a nasty pm without seeing it. Don't you think it would have been wise to reserve judgement? I am quite sure that if you had read the original thread you would have been in no doubt that I was the person she was referring to.

I am not going to enter into private messaging with you.

Your private message was totally diabolical Greatnan.

Greatnan no I am not biased. I did just accept it, as is my nature. I accept what people say until I have a reason not to. I couldn't live with myself if I was always suspicious of people!

I think you may be wrong about whether someone can change later in life. I know someone who was heavily addicted to alcohol who changed in later life and as they say 'where there is life there is hope'. Please don't give up hope,.

While you twist what people say you must expect some resistance. Nowhere did I say you should 'expect cruel and insensitive posts'. I said variety, that is your interpretation and I cannot understand why you so often put an unpleasnat interpretation on what I say!

Also I didn't say you invited anyone to judge you! My comment made it quite clear that I didn't think anyone should! I wish you would try to read what I say in the spirit in which it is meant.

IMO all any of can do is what we think is in our child's best interest whether that means saying 'yes' or saying 'no' when appropriate. My own mother let one of my brothers get away with all sorts of things and it did him no good at all. I didn't get away with anything but I will leave it up to others to judge whether it made me a better person or not.

Thank you, Bags.

Perhaps, jingle, you would now explain why you posted that my pm was nasty and unpleasant. You obviously wanted to paint me in a bad light and I think it was a very devious thing to do. You could have sent me a private reply.
It is a pity some people just took you at your word, without knowing the content of the pm.

Greatnan, I am sorry that you are hurting so much on account of your daughter's problems

Just so long as I've knocked any more private messages of that ilk on the head. That's all I wanted with this thread.

Movedalot, thank you for your thoughts, but the idea that somebody who is heavily addicted to opiates will just 'come back into the fold' is quite bizarre. She is 47, not a 17-year old child having a rebellious phase.
And you are wrong - I didn't expect cruel and insensitive posts, no matter how much certain people dislike me.

I see you did not think my pm was necessary - but was it nasty? Or just a plea from one mother to another for a little compassion? I see you accepted jingle's assertion that it was nasty without knowing what it contained. Could you be slightly biased?

I did not invite anybody to judge me as a mother. I know that I have devoted years and most of my income to helping my daughter. I don't claim to have been perfect but I certainly have done nothing to deserve the way my daughter has treated me. I will always love her unconditionally, and blame the drugs for her paranoid delusions.

Her father and I did share all our basic values and she was brought up to be loving , kind and honest. It is no guarantee of what will happen to your children in adulthood. I am very happy for those of you who posted what wonderful relationships you have with your children - long may they continue.

I don't know if the posts were intended to cause hurt or not - as has been said previously on other threads it is sometimes difficult to know exactly what meant by a written comment (sorry haven't phrased that very well!)

Some of the replies to my posts on other threads I have found a little "strident" in those cases I just don't post on that thread any more.

Can we please just draw a line under all this and try to maintain the usual helpful, friendly tone of Gransnet. for everyone

I know you are being flippant j05 but I think you have actually made my point rather well, we don't know each other's children or even each other very well, even if we have been on GN forever. I don't think it is possible to really get to know someone unless you see them face to face over a period of time and then you get to know them 'warts and all' and not just the face they show on the Internet.

Just in case there is any misinterpretation I am not critiscising j05! Why do I feel it necessary to say that?

You don't know my kids Movedalot.

I hadn't read the thread referred to but have now and would like to make the following comments:

The OP was bound to attract a variety of comments and IMO Greatnan should have expected them as she herself makes strong comments sometimes.

I don't think the PM was necessary because it all seems to have been said in the thread.

I don't understand how any of the GNs can judge whether or not Greatnan was a good mother unless they knew her while she was bringing up her children and think it is wrong to judge her as either good or bad.

Of course it helps if we choose a father for our children who shares our views on life because it means that the child is getting the same message from both parents. Otherwise a child may well be confused. Unfortunately I am not so sure we can 'choose' who we fall in love with!

I like to think that our children will learn their values at home and then make their own decisions about whether they want to stick with them or not but think that those values probably remain at the back of their minds all their lives. It is normal for teenagers to challenge their parent's views and to go their own way and possibly mix with people who will lead them astray. One of mine did and had lots of problems but eventually came back into the fold and I hope that this will happen with Greatnan's daughter.

Those who are so sure their children have turned out OK should think carefully, there is still time!

Sel, as you say, you are a new member, so you have no way of knowing the past history between myself and certain other members.

Greatnan I didn't say I don't recognise your name. What I said was, this is an internet forum, new people will join daily. When I first joined I read a few of the threads with interest and then jumped in. Unless I had taken notes when I read, I had no clue who was who and so, potentially I could have caused hurt. What happened with your daughter is a huge and obviously traumatic part of your life. I still don't think that the remarks that upset you were meant in any way to do so. Neither jo or nonu said you'd been a bad mother or should have treated your daughter in a specifically different way. You seem to have read that into them and I would suggest that that is because of the way you feel, rather than the way they do.

No of course not! Just that genes may play a part in how a child turns out.

Ana, do you really believe that you can choose a father for your children and if you choose well they will never go astray?

Different post, Greatnan. I didn't think Jingls idea that if you love your children enough they won't stray far was fair or accurate, and could certainly have been hurtful to those of us who worry that they have strayed far.
The gene pool comment seemed fair enough to me.

nightowl - I have not seen any remark from you that hurt me in any way.
Sel - my pms were NOT designed to make them feel guilty, as they already know my story. They were a plea to ask them to stop posting hurtful comments. I thought it was better to do it privately, rather than on the open forum.
I am surprised you do not recognise my name, as I am a very regular poster, and I think we have actually exchanged views .