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(67 Posts)
jO5 Mon 03-Dec-12 09:04:08

May I just please make it clear to anyone it may concern that I am not prepared to take any unpleasantness from the forums into private messaging.

Love friendly messages. Not nasty ones.

Thanks. smile

Barrow Mon 03-Dec-12 09:08:58

Oh dear, I'm sorry if you have been getting nasty PMs. I really hope Gransnet doesn't become like a lot of forums and taken over by t****sflowers

jO5 Mon 03-Dec-12 09:12:06

Thanks Barrow. smile Just one poster wanting to continue things privately. I don't want that.

Movedalot Mon 03-Dec-12 09:18:46

That's nasty J05! I hope whoever it is reads this thread and is thoroughly ashamed of themselves. I've only had really nice PMs from lovely GNs. I suppose an explanatory one would be OK but to be unpleasant smacks of cyber bullying!

dorsetpennt Mon 03-Dec-12 09:23:57

I have had some very nice private messages from Gransnetters reinforcing an introduced thread or something I've said and they've agreed upon.
Maybe someone wanted to remark on something you said, if you feel you've been unfairly treated then report it to Gransnet. Maybe reflect upon any comments you've made that are perhaps inflammatory. Not having go just trying to help. smile

Sel Mon 03-Dec-12 09:33:54

j05 life is too short and too busy for that sort of nonsense. This is an internet forum for goodness sake although at times it seems like a school playground smile The potential to upset is huge - interpretation of the written word etc. From the short time I've been a member it's obvious that some members like to keep things their way and heaven help you if you deviate. Crikey, I may get a nasty PM now grin Just delete it jo

Greatnan Mon 03-Dec-12 09:35:03

Here is the pm I sent to jingle in response to her comment about choosing the right father for your children and just loving them enough being sufficient to stop them going astray. I leave people to judge for themselves whether my pm was nasty.

I know we have not always seen eye to eye, but I really would appreciate it if you did not make such hurtful comments about my relationship with my daughter. She is very likely going to suffer liver failure or a heart attack in the next few years. I am afraid I do not think it is a subject for your usual 'banter'.

I sent a similar pm to Nonu - I hoped I could prevent them saying any more hurtful things on the open forum.

Anne58 Mon 03-Dec-12 09:38:11

Personally I would prefer it if there wasn't any "unpleasantness" (as mentioned in the OP) anywhere either on the forums or in PM's.

I think that there is nothing wrong with having a different point of view on a topic, or disagreeing with another member, but when it gets to the level of insulting or belittling people I find it offensive and unnecessary.

annodomini Mon 03-Dec-12 09:41:39

Whether or not you dislike the contents of a private message, that's what it is - private - and should be kept between two people.

whenim64 Mon 03-Dec-12 09:45:36

Oh dear - implying nastiness in a pm on a public forum is underhand. GNHQ is there to deal with such matters. Greatnan should not have been pressured into feeling she needed to defend herself publicly. Let GNHQ moderate your complaint Jingle

Sel Mon 03-Dec-12 09:45:51

Greatnan you're obviously in a lot of pain about the situation past and present with your daughter. I'm not sure how though, you can expect everyone to know that and therefore temper their remarks accordingly.

I've never seen Nonu or Jo being nasty. You did start the thread and I for one could have jumped if with a comment without knowing your personal history and you would perhaps have considered that too light. Humour is part of many peoples' lives, often as a way of coping with serious issues.

We're all different - try not to let the more irreverent amongst us, upset you or think that your interpretation of a remark is irrefuteably the correct one.

I hope the pain improves for you and send you flowers

Greatnan Mon 03-Dec-12 09:57:37

Sel - you are, I think, a new member, but jingle certainly knows a great deal about my daughter's problems as I have posted about them very often on the Denied Contact thread. So does Nonu.
I am not sure how I could have interpreted their remarks as anything but hurtful.

Greatnan Mon 03-Dec-12 10:00:12

Thank you to everyone who has sent me such kind and sympathetic pms - I will try to reply to them all individually.

Ana Mon 03-Dec-12 10:03:43

But the thread was called 'Is there such a thing as a perfect mother'. It could have applied to any of us, and so could jingl's post. I thought it was a general, open thread inviting our views.

Greatnan Mon 03-Dec-12 10:19:58

Now you have confused me, Ana, as you told jingle her comment was neither helpful nor accurate, and you showed your distaste for Nonu's post.

Sel Mon 03-Dec-12 10:22:31

greatnan yes, correct, I am new, well a month or so. One thing I have found quite confusing is remembering who's who. Pretty much all there is to go on is a name, there are no physical clues as if real life (and I find remembering who's who there difficult too!)

Given that, what I was saying, is there is tremendous potential to be hurt over an innocent remark. There are a lot of members and a lot to remember and also a heck of a lot with similar names. I don't think anyone comes on here with the intention of causing hurt to others but you raised, what was for you, an incredibly emotive subject. I saw the remark jo made this morning about you perhaps needing reassurance. Maybe there's a hint of truth in that. I can't imagine the pain and distress you've been through but in what is, after all, an Internet forum there is potential for hurt and this might not help you.

I don't think your PMs were nasty but they were designed to cause Jo and Nonu to feel guilty. Maybe you need that but I don't think it's fair to others.

nightowl Mon 03-Dec-12 10:24:10

I have just posted on the original thread and won't repeat myself, other than to say that I hope any misunderstandings can be resolved and to apologise for any hurt my remarks may have caused. I feel great empathy for Greatnan's situation as I have experienced similar heartache. I did not intend any offence to anyone.

Greatnan Mon 03-Dec-12 10:31:43

nightowl - I have not seen any remark from you that hurt me in any way.
Sel - my pms were NOT designed to make them feel guilty, as they already know my story. They were a plea to ask them to stop posting hurtful comments. I thought it was better to do it privately, rather than on the open forum.
I am surprised you do not recognise my name, as I am a very regular poster, and I think we have actually exchanged views .

Ana Mon 03-Dec-12 10:34:40

Different post, Greatnan. I didn't think Jingls idea that if you love your children enough they won't stray far was fair or accurate, and could certainly have been hurtful to those of us who worry that they have strayed far.
The gene pool comment seemed fair enough to me.

Greatnan Mon 03-Dec-12 10:39:49

Ana, do you really believe that you can choose a father for your children and if you choose well they will never go astray?

Ana Mon 03-Dec-12 10:50:07

No of course not! Just that genes may play a part in how a child turns out.

Sel Mon 03-Dec-12 10:50:19

Greatnan I didn't say I don't recognise your name. What I said was, this is an internet forum, new people will join daily. When I first joined I read a few of the threads with interest and then jumped in. Unless I had taken notes when I read, I had no clue who was who and so, potentially I could have caused hurt. What happened with your daughter is a huge and obviously traumatic part of your life. I still don't think that the remarks that upset you were meant in any way to do so. Neither jo or nonu said you'd been a bad mother or should have treated your daughter in a specifically different way. You seem to have read that into them and I would suggest that that is because of the way you feel, rather than the way they do.

Greatnan Mon 03-Dec-12 11:09:19

Sel, as you say, you are a new member, so you have no way of knowing the past history between myself and certain other members.

Movedalot Mon 03-Dec-12 11:16:35

I hadn't read the thread referred to but have now and would like to make the following comments:

The OP was bound to attract a variety of comments and IMO Greatnan should have expected them as she herself makes strong comments sometimes.

I don't think the PM was necessary because it all seems to have been said in the thread.

I don't understand how any of the GNs can judge whether or not Greatnan was a good mother unless they knew her while she was bringing up her children and think it is wrong to judge her as either good or bad.

Of course it helps if we choose a father for our children who shares our views on life because it means that the child is getting the same message from both parents. Otherwise a child may well be confused. Unfortunately I am not so sure we can 'choose' who we fall in love with!

I like to think that our children will learn their values at home and then make their own decisions about whether they want to stick with them or not but think that those values probably remain at the back of their minds all their lives. It is normal for teenagers to challenge their parent's views and to go their own way and possibly mix with people who will lead them astray. One of mine did and had lots of problems but eventually came back into the fold and I hope that this will happen with Greatnan's daughter.

Those who are so sure their children have turned out OK should think carefully, there is still time!

jO5 Mon 03-Dec-12 11:44:12

You don't know my kids Movedalot. wink smile