We had been very much looking forward to a visit from our 29 year-old daughter, our only child, who we hadn’t seen since last August because of COVID. She lives in London, has just bought a flat with her partner, and has a good job, albeit an awfully long commute, and we live 5 hours drive away. She went to a school friend’s (postponed) wedding locally, and stayed down for the week, which was lovely. BUT we, DH and me, were quite taken aback about how chippy she has become, giving us very short shrift if we come up with a comment which she perceives as not “woke” or pc, to the extent we were almost afraid to open our mouths for fear of getting our heads bitten off, and we felt we had to be careful what we said. We have always had a rather jokey way of talking in the family, but now she seems very ready to take offence. Any remark about her partner or his family, whom we have met and like, seems to be taken the wrong way. And when we said, as we were waving her goodbye, that she looked as though she had had a good rest, (which we thought she had), she jumped down our throats, saying she wasn’t stressed. Even DH noticed it, and he is the most easy-going of men. We are rather upset, not least as they have had a lot of help from us over their flat purchase, and can’t really understand it. Have any other Gransnetters had similar experiences?
vegansrock
If you want to know why maybe there isn’t a white poetry prize you might like to read this article
theconversation.com/the-white-privilege-of-british-poetry-is-getting-worse-48516
Oh yes to this.
And why would a woman who had had to work 'twice as hard as men' to succeed not be hugely encouraging when her daughter spends her valuable time at feminist meetings?
If you want to know why maybe there isn’t a white poetry prize you might like to read this article
theconversation.com/the-white-privilege-of-british-poetry-is-getting-worse-48516
My mum used to say the most inappropriate things, using inappropriate language. In many respects it was the same mentality and language as her parents, born in Victorian times!
Things change so quickly these days, especially because of social media, and frankly I'm quite grateful to my daughter telling me not to say this, but say it like that instead.
Woke just means bring socially aware, especially of social injustice. My mum would probably call that being a good Christian - but lots of people don't believe, and others believe but aren't Christian. So be aware, we don't say it like that anymore.
Even here, where there is no need to convince us, your views on race/feminism and Brexit etc are stridently put in a confrontational manner. They reference your and your DH's personal experience, often gained years ago, as source of relevant information. I might be wrong, but they sound to me like opinions of a person who want to voice them forcefully rather than learn more in order to broaden the mind.
In response to the feminist issue your daughter replied, “I don’t want to get into a fight about it”. Well that was her backing off gently in a mature and kind way...that is surely enough is it not?
Why not be soft? Why not be loving, kind and have open arms and mind? Why not just cherish and spoil your dear, only daughter when she comes home to see you? Treat it as a holiday from her busy, clever, modern life and an opportunity for you to hear all about it.
One day, one way or another, there will be no more glorious opportunities to spend a week in your darling daughter's company so why not just make the absolute most of these.
If you can’t be jokey without being derogatory, you don’t have a very good sense of humor.
And us trying to shut her down
It can be a difficult transition for young adults, one day they are running their own life, career, home, relationships, and then they come home for a visit and it is travelling back to a time when they were dependent upon you, and the conflict can be tricky to negotiate. We all grow and change our opinions and attitudes, and what may have been jolly when we were teenagers living at home, is no longer funny, and I am always very doubtful when people talk about banter, one person's banter is another person's bullying. Your concerns regarding her partner's spending in view of your help financially is completely understandable, but helping with a deposit does not give you permission to run or even comment on their finances, however irresponsible. I am so sorry your long awaited meet up with your only child didn't go as you hoped, but maybe try to see your DD as a much loved adult with her own opinions, not just a grown up version of your own child.
It is also how it is said, not what is said.
My mother always talked with such an angry tone, and when we asked her why was she angry, she would reply- "what do you mean? I am not angry at all, very relaxed and enjoying a chat with you"
Then she would get really angry for mentioning it and she trying to shut her down
It would take several people mentioning the angry and combative tone for her to realize we didnt mean any harm and she was truly coming across like that
Next time you are with her or speaking to her, if she reacts this way, ask her what's wrong, why she's taken offence and ask her to speak to you in a civilised manner Oofy.
Maybe her opinions and attitudes have changed, but that doesn't give her the right to give you "short shrift" because of yours and most certainly not the right to have you feeling worried about saying anything, in your own home, "for fear of getting (y)our heads bitten off".
Politeness and respect for the opinions of others, even if you don't agree with them, works both ways.
It's so hard when you have to watch what you say... ?
I think there are of course issues on both sides but it is hard to spend a week with someone you have hardly seen for the past year. I rather think you touched a nerve there with remarks about how your DD's partner spends his money.
I am sure it will go better next time as her partner should be there which will hopefully neutralise the atmosphere and you will know what subjects to avoid.
Rainwashed
What I noticed was your mentioning you helped them with the flat purchase. This was of course very kind of you, but does not mean they should be so beholden to you, they agree with everything you say. Surely we want our adult children to have independent thoughts and lives. Also isn’t it better for them to say if something offends them rather than bottle it up, both for their mental health and to stop future resentment.
It was indeed very kind of them to help with the deposit for their house .
Having independent thoughts is one thing but it’s quite another when your daughter is a guest in your house and she’s creating atmospheres. I would let her know that it wasn’t acceptable. It’s one thing having a difference of opinion but she should show respect for her parents. Most children disagree with their parents but they should be polite and certainly not create atmospheres particularly as she hadn’t seen them for over a year.
About the house deposit, just because you are expected, you always have a choice in giving them money or not
You dont approve of their financial planning, so mentioning it to her was not going to go well.
Could it be that your dd and you dont have matching personalities?
DNA doesn't guarantee getting along
I can see how your dd gets ticked off
Those are very sensitive subjects and also, you have very different points of view.
I would say stop discussing anything that you know pushes anybody's buttons.
Find another person who likes the same discussions and is happy to hold them with you, go for it
Your dd is clearly interested on it
Generations change the way people behave - your dd is not supposed to behave like you did when you disagreed with your parents.
Thank you for coming back and explaining your thoughts oofy. Good luck 
When family are ultra sensitive you can be sure there is more to it, in your daughters case either her husband or work are the cause, finances are probably tight and too much stress. You really should not be falling out over Brexit or being PC it’s your opinion which is just as valuable a hers. I voted the opposite to OH in the Brexit vote we don’t discuss it, we just get on and make the best of what we have
I would give them some space to run their life and get on with yours.
I think it sounds like you can learn a lot from each other 
it's good she feels comfortable enough to be herself with you and vice versa.
I also agree with Lucca, maybe she is cross with him that he is spending money when she knows you have helped out. She most probably feel embarrassed and guilty.
Try not to worry too much. I do think it all sounds normal
Thank you very much for coming back and for your thoughts !
The money spending thing is tricky and there is just the smallest possibility your daughter is also concerned about her husbands spending but naturally became very defensive!
Just keep trying to avoid what you know will wind them up ! Best of luck.
Oh, dear, where to start?
Firstly, many thanks to all who responded, some of the more critical comments reflect some of the questions I have been asking myself and wondering if we are wrong in our views. Don’t think easy-going DH is as introspective as me, though he did comment about it when she visited.
Firstly”woke”; I used this as as shorthand for current mores around addressing issues rather than as an insult. I should also say that we are very proud of her and what she has achieved, and tell her so.
I think Dragonfly hit the nail on the head when she mentioned attitudes which we thought we had before it became fashionable to espouse them. For example, we have always had good friends and colleagues who are black or Asian, and have always just treated them as people, but DD now quotes racist ideas at us, when we truly never thought we were racist. I commented about a black poetry award, and remarked that you wouldn’t be allowed to have a white poetry award, and she went off on one. When I tried to discuss it with her, the response was, “I don’t want to get into a fight about it”. I wondered when a reasoned discussion, and as several have said, maybe learning something from her, became a fight? Have had a similar comment from her about feminism, she attends feminist lecture days, which perhaps would not be to my taste, but she knows that I worked in a very male dominated profession, had to be twice as good as the men to get on, glass ceiling for women etc, and “lived” the feminism as opposed to talking it.
Remarks about the partner to her-well, that was critical, to be fair, but he was spending very big sums on his hobbies, cycling and tech, certainly more than we would spend on our own pastimes, not considering cutting his coat according to his cloth, at a time when we were being expected to give help with the mortgage. Can’t really remember what I said, but was trying to be tactful and mentioning it to her, rather than him, on the quiet. And got my head bitten off. Should I have kept my mouth shut? Maybe. Would not have said anything to him directly, but I felt it was potentially storing up money troubles for them further down the line.
We had opposing views on Brexit, well DH did, as European legislation was a big problem for him. I worked in Germany before we were married and felt fairly neutral, whereas her partner was stridently pro remain, worrying about research grants. She now takes any opportunity to point out when things are problems because of Brexit, whilst we a while ago realised we needed to stay off the topic for the sake of peace.
Would have talked things like this through with my own parents, who were very right wing, I think, rather than openly criticising them as she does.
Just all boils down to feeling we have to be very careful what we say, can’t just be relaxed in conversation around the house
They are supposed to be visiting again soon (he had a clashing commitment this time) and am so hoping it goes better, don’t want to feel a sense of relief when they leave.
I have 3 Adult Daughters and have noticed a trend in them as
they go on in life which may or may not be linked to the present day - what is permissable to say/think.
As they reach the 30 mark they become more ready to challenge your opinions as being right or wrong.
By mid 30's the snappyness can get worse as they juggle, kids;
marriage, work, home etc
The 40's approach and suddently calm waters and you become best buddies again, ahhhhhhhh
I know I was like that with my mother and have witnessed the
karma three times now!
I will add Alegria 1 please refrain from commenting on my post I am having a nice day
That word ‘woke’ is like finger nails on a black board to me
I ve been accused of being woke because I m anti racist I ve been accused of being woke when I m kind to someone
it really gets on my tits
LoveOc how very right your post is. Even when asked for advice think really carefully before giving it. My son often asks for advice but when given he does not like what he is told.
So mouth closed and wallet open and just try to keep a bit of money for yourself.
I have heard of two sayings which can apply to all parents of adult children. Only give advice when asked for it and even then do not give it! Keep your mouth closed and your wallet open!
What exactly did you say about her partner she took offence to? If woke means being anti racist and wanting more social awareness then why is it a criticism?
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join the discussion, watch threads and lots more.
Register now »Already registered? Log in with:
Gransnet »Get our top conversations, latest advice, fantastic competitions, and more, straight to your inbox. Sign up to our daily newsletter here.
