How to deal with “woke” daughter

Sorry, posted in Tech by mistake, can anyone help with moving it please, I don’t know how?

you could press report above, on your comment, and ask GN HQ to move it to another section of your or their choosing.

If GNHQ dont react quickly enough, why dont you re write your post under CHAT?

I sympathise. Our lovely DD has a bad case of correcting us for what used to be family banter. We have recently moved house to be nearer to her but are wondering if we did the right thing.

You haven’t seen her for almost a year. A lot has happened since then, with Covid and everything. Plus she has now moved in with her partner and they’ve bought their own place.

She is your only child, and is 29. She probably feels very independent now, and has absorbed her partner’s ideas as well as her own. I expect she has often followed your way of thinking, not that I am saying that is wrong, but she has now really ‘flown the nest’.

It’s hard when you realise your children don’t necessarily think that parents are the wisest and most influential figures in their life anymore. But it’s part of life really.

Keep on being welcoming and loving, and keep any controversial opinions on the back burner.

It sounds to me as if she is stressed - maybe work, maybe the move, or could be her partner.
It is probably temporary and next time you see her, hopefully with her partner she will be more relaxed.
She cares enough about you to spend a week with you.

Yes it’s difficult with the younger generation isn’t it. !
My Gd aged nearly 19 is extremely PC. She lived with her father for the last 10 years and he and his family are really lovely but very ‘Woke’. She’s now at Uni and we have to be very careful what we say around her. She hates any derogative comments. We like you are a jokey, Micky taking family (only in fun) but gd will go quiet and make it obvious that she disapproves. She is the kindest, gentlest girl but we do walk on eggshells when she’s around.

Her degree course is Mental Health Nursing).

So what is all this jokey family banter? Could we have a couple of examples please?

I think as people grow up they develop different opinions to their family, it's perfectly normal.

I hate the word ‘woke’ as it literally means socially aware, nothing wrong with that imo.

I’m the piggy in the middle of a similar situation. Dh has become right wing over the past few years and my two sons are I would say centre left. My sons would be happy to never talk politics around us having different views (more in relation to dh) but my husband loves to wind them up and start arguments and make derogatory comments about their politics, people of colour, woman etc. This now means now that they have moved abroad, them finding ways to politely cut the zoom call short when he does this which is a pain for me and them.

I think my sons handle it about right, they avoid discussing money and politics with us at all costs and when both sides adhere to this we rub along nicely.

calendargirl has hit the nail on the head. Much better articulated it than I.

Maybe take a tiny leaf out of her book ? Listen to her opinions ? And remember what you consider “banter” may not appear so to others.
Describing someone as “woke” shouldn’t be a criticism !

Oh dear, I see both sides of this.

It does seem to be a generation that “calls out” everything they don’t agree with. They don’t keep quiet to keep the atmosphere pleasant.

On the other hand, I would frequently be mortified by things my parents- in-law said, which to them were just common parlance.?

Times change for every generation. The only comfort is your daughter will find herself in the same position in years to come?

My daughter accused me of being passive-aggressive.

I have to admit she was right. I have tried not to be since then?

It is very difficult as we have found out with one of our DIL's. She is a staunch labour supporter and her family are also. You can not say anything to her that does not support Labour. She can initiate a conversation but if you do not agree with her!!! Our son has told us never to bother answering her. He said she has fallen out with good friends over it. She fell out with anyone who voted for Brexit. Our son said it is just the way she is. Avoid any subject that will 'ignite' her.

I originally thought this would be a joke thread oofy, when I first read the title. First let me say that I'm glad you be managed to see your daughter.

You seem to be perplexed by the fact that she doesn't want to listen to what you regard as jokey comments. Perhaps, at the age of 29, she's found the maturity and self confidence to be able to tell you they're not jokey, they're unacceptable. I am wondering what it is you are saying about her partner and his family that you think is fine, but she is "taking the wrong way".

My FIL was an unreconstructed, racist old sexist. He thought his comments were funny when in fact they were objectionable in the extreme. What you think is just fine might be how they remember you in years to come. I've never had to deal with it "in years to come" Peasblossom because I do my best not to insult people.

Ask her why she finds the things you said so bad, try to listen to what she says, and don't just dismiss her as "woke".

But it is possible to quite often upset people Alegrias with straight talking.

In years to come, times will change maybe, we’ll be back to the oblique comment and saying what you think, as Oofys daughter does, might be the thing that’s not acceptable.

I don't understand what being "woke" has to do with being stressed. Your DD may be stressed but it sounds as if you are using that as a reason for her changing her views and finding some of the things you say unacceptable.As you haven't given any examples of what she found unacceptable it's hard to comment. I will only say that I dislike the terms "woke" and "pc" I find they are usually used by people with reactionary views. Some of the things many of us have said all of our lives are now unacceptable, if our children point that out we should listen to them. You may choose to disagree with them but making out it's all their fault is completely wrong.

"But it is possible to quite often upset peopleAlegriaswith straight talking."

All the more reason to ask what was causing the upset. What some people call "straight talking" is actually just rude and objectionable.

When I think back to some of the things my in-laws said, I cringe. They were good kind people, and nothing was meant unkindly, but their vocabulary was so different to what we would consider acceptable now.
My oldest daughter has always been very prickly about things, probably rightly sometimes, but sometimes I think, a bit too judgmental.
To be honest it’s hard to keep up with what’s acceptable and what’s not, but mostly people mean well I think.

I hate the word woke as to me it is just people telling me to do and accept things which I have done naturally all my life without thinking about it.

saying things in a 'jokey way' are often barbs but said in the jokey way in my opinion so not necessary nice.
If we meet our adult children in a party setting they are often different to what we expect when alone with them on home ground. sadly our children outgrow us when they become adults

Oh ok Alegrias

Your comment upset me. I was having a happy start to the day and then you decided to advertise your own worthiness by picking up on something I posted and implying that you are so much better than me because you don’t go around insulting people, which obviously I do.

In fact, from my point of view, you insulted me. Upset me. Made me feel it’s better to stay away from Gransnet.

There we are. Now you know.

I agree with dragonfly46,she does sound stressed and maybe regretting decisions she has made.