How to deal with “woke” daughter

I really wouldn’t put that much importance on it. It’s generational. I remember being like that with my mum and dad. Now, our kids do it with us. Tell us off because we just can’t say/ do things anymore.
It may feel more intense for you, just having the one child. We had four, and were always messing about and joking. Now they do it at us more than with us, but it’s all good spirited. They all have each other to bounce off.
Just enjoy her when you see her, and appreciate what she’s saying, but she should also appreciate where you’re coming from. In fact, on a few occasions, each of our children have admitted they can now understand things a bit more. Having your own children does that I think. Our youngest is 30.
So it does happen. Don’t make it bigger than it is.

If the “jokey” family communication, which in my own experience is a way to excuse passive aggressive comments and inappropriate commentary is causing stress/harm to your DD, then surely just don’t do it?

Without examples of what she took offence to it’s difficult to determine if the average person would class it as overreacting or not. That said, she’s made it clear she doesn’t like it - so avoid those topics.

The fact you have helped financially really had no bearing at all on this, unless it was done as payment for good behaviour?!

From personal experience, I’d get stressed out as an adult around an uncle who was a bigot with a big mouth. I was so disgusted by what he would say, so would pre-emptively change subjects etc to try and avoid losing my head. I dare say he thought is was a prickly snob and I probably did overreact at times, but when someone shows you that side of them - even in a “jokey” way, it does make alarm bells ring for any future exchanges.

*Oofy I came from a working class family, neither of my parents had benefitted from the good education and opportunities given to me but they worked hard and provided well. Your post made me think about how I had behaved in my 20's. Yes, I could be very snippy and condescending with them as they were very much a product of their upbringing. It made them angry, resentful and defensive. With hindsight, my more progressive views were correct but my way of delivering them not. It would have taken more maturity than I had in my late 20's to change their opinions, sadly they both died very young and I never got the chance to be different. I don't know the content or the context of the issues that you had with your daughter when she stayed. Perhaps her views are worth considering (or not) and perhaps she needs to learn that the content of a message gets lost if delivered in the wrong way. Anyway, I hope things improve for you.

May we please have some examples of those comments your daughter does not agree with?

In an adult relationship, people speak up instead of keeping quiet and eating their thoughts to keep the peace.

I don't think that things are going as well as you think they are for her, but she doesn't want to admit it and also the fact that AC tend to seem to want to jump down your throat or be patronising over comments that parents can make (get it all of the time from my son)
I think it is just a way that some show they are growing up and away from us as parents, which is quite normal!
I know that you and your OH have done nothing wrong, but I'd just give your daughter a quick call and apologise and say that your intention was not to upset her, just a comment to say that she looked as if she had had a good time at the wedding and that she was ready to go back to her job. Hopefully she will apologise back for being so snappy - even if she doesn't, you all need to move on and hopefully it won't be as long before she visits again, with her partner.

Yes. I was always 'awkward', or 'contrary' - usually said with eyes rolling. This thread is bringing it all back.

I'm sorry, OP, as it can't be easy to read, but please think about the comments from some people on here? It may be that your situation is different, and that you aren't doing these things, but at least consider things from your daughter's perspective?

MoorlandMooner

Also, to the OP....your use of the word 'chippy' rings horrible alarm bells with me. It's a good put down word to use for someone whom one considers an inferior who is cheeky to their superiors. Maybe you didn't mean that to me...but having been on the receiving end of that word it made my flesh creep.

Heartily agree. ?.

Also, to the OP....your use of the word 'chippy' rings horrible alarm bells with me. It's a good put down word to use for someone whom one considers an inferior who is cheeky to their superiors. Maybe you didn't mean that to me...but having been on the receiving end of that word it made my flesh creep.

My parents used 'banter' and 'jokes' to constantly belittle me and inflict their peculiar, old fashioned and repellent views on me. An example is when I broke my leg in an accident at work - 'If you weren't out working and were at home in the kitchen where women should be then you wouldn't have broken your leg'. Hilarious don't you think?

I learned not to criticise or contradict them over time as they only got worse and said I 'lacked a sense of humour' or 'took things too seriously'. It destroyed my self confidence and my relationship with them.

They're dead now and after a decade of trying to rebuild myself I am happy and finally, at long last ME. Long live woke. Woke is kindness. To criticise a broad brush of 'woke' is to not ever think what it actually means.

Your daughter will have to learn the truth; that some people are not conscious of what she is conscious. This will be disappointing for her, that her beloved parents cannot follow her into her current interest.
I understand what it can feel like to be unable to communicate ideas that are important to me.

If your daughter is quick to take offence about minor matters this could be because you presume to know how she feels without her having told you how she feels.

For instance it is better not to presume someone is "stressed" , tired, or otherwise troubled unless they tell you that they feel so.

What I noticed was your mentioning you helped them with the flat purchase. This was of course very kind of you, but does not mean they should be so beholden to you, they agree with everything you say. Surely we want our adult children to have independent thoughts and lives. Also isn’t it better for them to say if something offends them rather than bottle it up, both for their mental health and to stop future resentment.

I’m going to apologise for my previous post. It wasn’t helpful. I’d say to try and understand she’s spent the last year isolated in London. A cosmopolitan city with young vibrant ideas and culture. I don’t know where you live but ‘coming down’ and ‘having a rest’ gives an impression of a quiet village or small town - where you also have been isolated. In isolation many of us have decided enough is enough and we don’t want the status quo anymore - on either side of the fence. I’m imagining she’s also possibly had a hard time, working hard and possibly in isolation. You’ve probably had a nicer time pottering around and going for nice walks. Now imagine her rocking up to see the difference and hearing your ‘jokey’ non pc comments. She’s going to feel unhappy, of course she is. First I’d relax. Then maybe do a bit of research regards what woke culture really is. Have a good think about what you want her future world to look like. Then, next time she comes - or even you book a hotel and go to the big city - you’ll be more informed and it’ll be easier. Good luck. Am sure it’s a flash in the pan.

Thanks, Whatdayisit. I'm pleased you understand. Even now, I feel uncomfortable in case I am being disloyal, as we were brought up not to criticise our parents in any way, 'because they love us'. It really is a no-win way to be brought up.

Luckily I did see through it in time to stop it taking root, so I haven't internalised most of the comments themselves (as far as I know), but the confusion remains. I do sometimes wonder if I am too quick to sniff out passive aggressive bullying and gaslighting when I see it, but on the whole that has probably served me well enough.

‘Woke’’ has been hijacked unfortunately to the point that it sometimes becomes ridiculous. Originally it was about raising awareness of social injustices, particularly racist ones in the US. Nothing wrong with that. It is when it gets to the point where people are afraid to speak for fear of it being taken the wrong way and they end up being cancelled.

It seems to me there is a lot of anger in society at present, not helped by being confined due to Covid, and exacerbated by the media who constantly use the words furious, rage and rant for situations which are nowhere near that.

If you say something which dd finds offensive why not ask her what it is that she finds offensive and explain you didn’t mean it that way and apologise? She maybe feels you don’t recognise her as being grown up if you carry on with jokes etc she finds inappropriate. Treat her like any guest in your house. Maybe she will then go off the defensive and offensive.

What was acceptably amusing years ago (derogatory language about people based on race, sex or class, for example) is no longer funny, and I applaud any young person who questions parents who continue with such ‘banter’.

This young woman probably wants her young man to like and admire her parents as she does, but is afraid that their outdated views may make him think badly of them. Or she may have learnt from living in a mixed society in London that things her parents find ‘funny’ are actually based on outdated stereotypes and prejudice, and she may be embarrassed by their ‘banter’.

I admire the young woman for being brave enough to express her view, and it’s a credit to her upbringing that she feels safe to do so. I think the OP should carefully examine the family ‘jokey way of talking’ and consider the attitudes behind it. In general, the term ‘woke’ is used as an insult by people with overt prejudices to justify their failure to adjust to improved sensitivities.

Having adult children means having adult relationships.

Expecting them to agree with everything you do or think should have naturally over the years.

Where there has been a sudden train crash of opinions it would appear to me that the AC has been biting their tongue for a long time and has only now found the confidence to express their values.

Lucca I was not saying she was necessarily stressed just that having gone through all she has in the last year it could be an explanation.
My daughter takes things to heart she normally wouldn't do if she is stressed.

However, I don't mean anything which would be now described as 'non-woke' just normal family banter.

My mother was nasty about everyone, so I can’t say she was prejudiced, it made me just disagree with everything she said.
I think we all should perhaps cut each other a big of slack, unless someone is saying something maliciously, it’s probably not worth causing a row about.

Doodledog your upbringing sounds like my mum's with her dad. You are right there are names for it now like gaslighting. It can also shape your relationships my mum has lived most of her life as a nervous wreck, disastrous relationships even lacked confidence as a parent with her father's put downs and her mother's reinforcement of them. It is hard when you are left to process it later.
I hope you have been able to live a better life.
I sound like Prince Harry - live an authentic life!?

None of us know what you have said but grown up children are like this. One of mine especially. He corrects everything I say or do and I have said to him before if he is going to be quite so pedantic, I'll start doing it with him It is good though, it shows you have raised someone who is confident enough to themselves and confident enough to challenge views they oppose. I call it spirit

I wonder if your DD is posting elsewhere as to ‘how to deal with parents who don’t move with the times’? It’s their world now. You had your turn.

Galaxy

Are people just supposed to agree with everything that is said withina family that sounds not that great to be honest.

That is what it was like for me - agree or ‘be difficult’ and ‘cause a scene’, or ‘be humourless’. It wasn’t great, and coupled with ‘after all he’s done for you’, it’s psychologically damaging.

Are people just supposed to agree with everything that is said withina family that sounds not that great to be honest.

I’m a bit puzzled as to why a daughter standing up for her views is thought to be “stressed” ?

I never stood up to my mother and her frankly unpleasant views about people and I wish I had as it gnawed away at me and made visiting her a chore at best.

So some straight talking is allowed and some isnt. Who decides that.