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Travel and disability - time to give up?

(45 Posts)
Daisymae Mon 24-Jul-23 09:02:04

Just back from a few days away with DH who is very disabled. I do everything, from booking to loading and unloading the car, driving and everything in between. We also take our elderly dog. Going out is difficult, anyone who has tried pushing a wheelchair on gravel will know what I mean. As eating out is difficult we eat in so it feels like I'm doing the same thing, just somewhere different. The place was lovely, but..... My friends say well it's a change of scene but I am pretty exhausted. Hotels are too difficult for him to manage. At some point during our stay I thought that this will be our last holiday. Anyone else coming to that conclusion?

montymops Tue 25-Jul-23 15:05:00

Have you considered the Warners Classic Hotels? They have ground floor rooms, plenty of wheelchairs, activities taking place every day and in the evening, reasonably good meals all prepared, rooms with good walk in showers - they are situated in many places in the country. Perhaps have a look at their website.

Saggi Tue 25-Jul-23 15:50:20

Because of disabled husband (27 years !) …I /we haven’t been on holiday in 17 years….his choice , not mine! Now he’s gone into full time care after my third stroke . I hate holidays ….took the kids when they were little of course but as soon as they said “ no “ to going with us ( about 15) I was pleased.
All that hassle ….husband absolutely no help …. coming back to heaps of washing /ironing thinking I needed a good break from it all . Hate them. Give them the old heave-ho …you won’t regret or miss them.

Georgesgran Tue 25-Jul-23 16:59:09

A sad post Daisymae and it does sound as if you’ve had enough. I think an honest talk with your DH is needed - are you ‘singing from the same hymn sheet’ so to speak? Does he just want a change of scenery and would he consider a week’s residential care somewhere to give you a break? Could you go off with a friend/relative for a few days. Is Warner’s an option?
DD2, a full time wheelchair user and I have just returned from Barcelona - airports are always a hassle, but with few other problems (compared to the OP) she intends to continue her travels for as long as she can. Seville in August and Majorca in September, but good luck to her.

Pjcpjc77 Tue 25-Jul-23 17:20:58

Have you considered asking family or a friend who would be able to help with your husband going on holiday with you, you pay for them to go as an incentive?
It's just a thought my sister's husband is a C4 quadriplegic and he has to have 24/7 care, my sister does the night shift and he has carers during the day which means my sister gets to do all the usual housewife jobs, shopping cooking cleaning and laundry. She has always insisted they have a holiday every year and one of her husband's day carers accompanies them, so they get to go to different places and my sister and her lovely hubby get a break too.
Just a thought it seems such a shame that you have to forego a much needed holiday/break, you should approach your local support group you'd be surprised how helpful they can be.

Georgesgran Tue 25-Jul-23 17:42:03

Just popped back to suggest this could be a good opportunity to ask yourselves if you need more day to day help (not holidays) to aid your DH and take the pressure off yourself? Assume your DH gets AA and you CA, which could go towards care costs.

pandapatch Tue 25-Jul-23 18:26:40

Have you heard of this company?

Musicgirl Tue 25-Jul-23 18:42:24

One of my uncles became gradually more and more disabled and he would go into a care home for a couple of weeks every so often in order to give my aunt some respite. She didn't necessarily go away but it gave her some much needed resr.

oldeman Tue 25-Jul-23 19:06:22

I know it's hard and I struggle too. Mobility issues and blind in one eye but I feel you have to make the most of the later years in our life before it ends. I still manage to go fishing. I run a car boot stall for charity every Sunday and I have two holidays planned for when my son comes out of the army. Yes, it's difficult but it really is worth making that effort.

Jennyluck Tue 25-Jul-23 19:50:35

I have also given up the idea of holidays for me and my Dh. The last foreign holiday we had was 2019.
He has dementia, he no longer wants to go anyway. But the stress of going on holiday would be too much for me to cope with.
We did go to Devon in 2020, as soon as we got there he said I’m not coming here again , it’s too far. And he was like a fish out of water. At least I can cope at home.

GrannyBear1 Tue 25-Jul-23 20:37:01

The Winged fellowship, which someone mentioned, has changed name to "Revitalise". They still aim to help the disabled and their carers to have holidays. See the above link for details.

Best of luck in the future.

icanhandthemback Tue 25-Jul-23 20:40:18

I have a hoist for my mother's wheelchair in my car because I found lifting it in and out of the car. Would you be able to have one fitted which will lift an electric chair so it isn't always you doing the lifting and pushing. Is it time to trade your car in for a WAV. There are some very good companies out there who will help source a car for your needs if you are able to afford one. Coping with disability is so much easier if you have the right tools.

win Tue 25-Jul-23 20:44:57

We have finished having holidays even nights away.; Both our mobility are badly affected but it is sleeping in a different bed which for us is the worst. We always end up with severe back ache despite booking the best hotels with reasonable mattresses and bedding. Also the Insurance when you are under treatment is horrendous at our ages. We are sad but have decided that sadly that is how it is. We have done a lot of holidays so have enjoyed some fabulous times away. I will miss the sunshine more than anything, but also the change of scenery which always invigorates me. I fully understand where you are coming from, when it becomes such hard work and effort surely it is time to stop.

Gingerrice Tue 25-Jul-23 21:08:16

Just had to put in a good word here for Merton House Hotel at Ross on Wye. I think its subsidised by Rotary Club. They will pick you up from home in an adapted minibus, can provide help with care and run twice daily trips out. The minibus drivers are amazing and offer to push wheelchairs up slopes etc so the disabled person gets the best experience.
Also evening entertainment .
Though I understand the OP feeling its not really a holiday for her and like others have said maybe she needs to take a break herself.Without feeling guilty. Caring is no easy job !!

GoldenAge Tue 25-Jul-23 23:59:45

Daisymae - I'm sorry for your predicament, and I do understand what it's like to push a wheelchair on gravel, rough ground and sand - I took my disabled mother three times a year to our holiday home in southern Europe until she was 90 and it got too much, but two things were different from your situation - I had my much older husband who helped but not massively, and I understood that the plane trip was too much for my mother as she was confused with that part of the journey. You don't mention your DH's thoughts about the holiday - have you asked his opinion? He might be going along with the holiday plans believing he's helping you so maybe you should involve him, let him know you end up exhausted. One suggestion that's already been made is to get all your meals delivered, and if you do your research you might get an air bnb close to a breakfast/brunch diner. As another thought, could you take someone else with you who could help. Yes these things will cost money, but in the last three years of travelling with my mother it was worth it to pay for the flights and meals of an elderly relative who was fit enough to help and also happy to keep my mother company so that we could go out and this might be something that would allow you to go on a peaceful walk with your dog by yourself. My advice is that if you absolutely don't feel you can continue then don't but if there's the slightest chance you can keep this bit of your normal life going, try your best.

Nicksmrs46 Wed 26-Jul-23 10:38:05

As I am part disabled due to both osteo and rheumatoid arthritis, getting somewhere to stay without stairs is almost impossible, we now use Premier Inn which offers ground floor assistance rooms, bigger than the standard rooms and a choice of either lowered bath with over head shower or a wet room room ideal for wheelchair users . There is always a restaurant/pub next door which does breakfast, lunch and evening meals…
The P.I staff are always very helpful and will help with luggage etc and also make sure you are ok . Check out time is 12noon so saves rushing in the morning and means you can have breakfast before leaving.Free parking on site or a car park nearby which they offer discount for ..
Well worth looking at , we will always use them when we can which is fairly often, good prices too ..

Daisymae Thu 27-Jul-23 17:24:42

Thanks for all the responses, food for thought there. We do have a hoist for the car, there's no way I could manage the mobility scooter. For those asking about my DH, he did enjoy the break but is aware of some of the strain I feel. I do think that we will need fully accessible accommodation should we go away again. The other issue is our dog who is really elderly so we do need to take her along! I will look at all the options. Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

Fleurpepper Sat 29-Jul-23 09:31:50

I so hope you find a way to still go and have a change of scenery. Avoiding gravel and sand, for sure. When you have had a good rest, look at the options where suitable accomodation, with support, is available. Wishing you all the best.

WillowBreeze59 Sun 30-Jul-23 13:26:38

MamaB247 I was actually going to ask @Daisymae if her husband is perhaps entitled to a foldable electric mobility scooter if he is on PIP. This is what I am going to apply for when my walking gets worse than it is now.

I take my hat of to you @DaisyMae. I think you absolutely deserve a holiday and having a break from doing all the work at home. Pushing a wheelchair I can imagine must be hard work, especially on gravel or even up a small hill. If your husband had a scooter though, you wouldn't need to push him anywhere, and he might enjoy riding it and getting a bit of independence back himself. He probably feels awful that you are having to do everything as it is, so this would help both of you in different ways, as your DH wouldn't be reliant on you pushing him everywhere, and you would have that bit of freedom back from having the hard work of pushing him about.
If you feel that you can no longer go on a holiday anymore, I do urge you to look into some of the places others have suggested to you, before making your final decision. Have you asked your DH how he feels about all this? Sit down and discuss how you feel to him, and hopefully you will both come up with an amicable solution to all this. Wishing you all the best in whatever you decide Daisymae.

Boolya Mon 31-Jul-23 20:22:37

Enable Holidays are very helpful. We went to San Sebastian and also Jersey with them. My husband is paraplegic. You are always on duty as the carer.