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Kirstie's Homemade Hogwash

(85 Posts)
BeesLovelyBuns Thu 19-Dec-13 12:52:23

So – Kirstie’s latest craft-inspired instalment provides us with all the guidance we need to give our Christmas interiors that sought-after designer magic that can only be provided by an over-stuffed aristocrat who is increasingly coming to resemble Leigh Bowery during his “let’s dress up as an armchair” period.

We start with delicious gifts our nearest and dearest will be so delighted to receive - namely “pine syrup”. Yes – syrup with, er, some pine in it. Gather up those Christmas tree off-cuts (the one your hunter-gatherer other half has pulled from a snow-covered forest with his bare hands and a roar and is always at least three feet too tall for the living room ceiling) sweep them up and chuck them in a pan with some sugar syrup. All well and good except Kirstie has clearly overlooked the fact that pine belongs down your toilet and not in a cocktail.

Moving on, and now she’s making popcorn. Magically Kirstie transforms corn kernels into light, golden, puffs by heating it up in a saucepan with a slug of oil. Who knew? Now we all love a bowl of popcorn on a Saturday night in front of the telly but that’s not enough for Kirstie. Oh no. We have to make it festive by mixing it with……..a jar of mincemeat. Which ends up looking like…… a jar of mincemeat. With some bits of popcorn chucked in it. So, you go to grab a fistful of lovely, crunchy, popcorn whilst you’re feasting your eyes on Strictly and encounter a handful of sticky mincemeat with some soggy bits of popcorn in it which you then end up wiping on the sofa. Oh yum.

On to – knickers. Tie-dyed knickers to be precise. A lesson in how to ruin a perfectly fine pair of kecks by wrapping them up in elastic bands and dipping them in a vat full of dye. And then sewing on labels with the days of the week. Because, of course, when I’m at work and I can’t remember what day it is after a night out on the sauce, I’m immediately going to strip off down to my undercrackers in order to check. Has anyone, ever, in the history of lingerie, been delighted to receive a gift of tie-dyed pants? “Oh love, I thought you’d want something I handmade specially for you this year so, instead of spending a week’s salary on silk and lacy raunchiness in Agent Provocateur, I bought a pack of Dylon and transformed your old grey smalls”. Brilliant.

And then, finally, Christmas crafts. Pom poms! Paper flowers! Polystyrene balls covered in glitter! Now maybe Kirstie was too busy at Bedales, learning how to walk whilst balancing a book on her head but, love, the rest of us made all that stuff at primary school. When we were 7. And I have done my time cooing over the kids’ scrunched up bits of tissue paper, distorted snowmen and wonky snowflakes. I swear this was purely an excuse for Kirstie to see how many times she could make legitimate reference to “sticky balls”.

I’ve got an idea for the perfect Christmas present for Kirstie. A proper job .

Bah humbug.

Iam64 Wed 08-Jan-14 18:18:01

Good point Mollie. I had every sympathy with the people affected so badly by the recent floods. I confess to feeling just a bit irritated with a couple of people interviewed, who were focussed on blaming someone and demanding compensation. I am not opposed to people who are hurt, e.g. in an accident expecting compensation. But, we've had dreadful, unusual weather. That's life isn't it, so much of it beyond our control.
I hope most people were insured, and sympathise with those who weren't. The insurance company will pay for accommodation, and replace all items lost, any buildings work etc. I've experience of being out of our home for 5 months after a catastrophe, and am thankful we were insured, and our insurance company was generally very good.
I am however, concerned that it's taken something so catastrophic as the recent floods to have the media reporting on the swinging cuts to the environment agencies. This evidently has impacted on increasing/improving flood defences.

Rowantree Wed 08-Jan-14 20:24:17

I have to say I SO agree with the mutterings (and otherwise) about Kirsty whassname and her silly programmes. I think she's a fake. I would love to see REAL crafts on television, REAL series showing us how to 'do' patchwork, quilting, embroidery, making things -including whatever crafts really use what we have around us and/or can get hold of virtually free.
I have watched some of her programmes, hoping to see SOMETHING I could use myself, and nearly threw something at the TV screen on one of her programmes, as I watched her taking a glass-blowing 'lesson' from some geezer in Italy in order to make her 'own' glass baubles for her Christmas tree. Yes, Kirsty, we can all nip over to Venice to sort that one out and....er...save some money....!
I didn't like her daft popcorn idea OR the tie-dyed knickers. And I speak as someone who does a lot of home dyeing ( I hand-dye threads and fibres for sale to textile artists). Her programmes are superficial and patronising and just about....well, about Kirsty, really.

Whenever I see her in one of her appearances my mind is cast back to 'The Good Life' from the 70s, when Margo (Penelope Keith) decides to take up pottery and buys a potter's wheel, kiln, etc - the lot, though knowing nothing at all about the craft. When asked about how she's doing, she smiles engagingly and simpers, 'One dabbles!'
That's Kirsty, folks.....

papaoscar Wed 08-Jan-14 21:17:54

BeesLB -Yes, there may well be a temptation to vote Madam KalSop into virtual oblivion for her peddling of so much tv drivel but I will refrain from doing do on this occasion as I don't actually expose myself to her offerings at all unless I am directed to do so by the Memsahib, in which case I usually just go to sleep. So Not Guilty, M'Lady, case dismissed!

rosesarered Thu 09-Jan-14 11:30:04

You can say one thing about Kirsty; she knows how to get herself and her tv personality self as well, [may not be the same thing though] talked about!

Bellasnana Thu 09-Jan-14 12:07:57

Poor Kirstie lost her mother recently after a long battle with breast cancer. As someone whose family has been plagued with this horrible disease, my heart aches for her sad

BeesLovelyBuns Thu 09-Jan-14 13:03:23

Gosh Mollie and Stansgran! I was only trying to write what I hoped was an amusing critique of the show to give people a bit of a laugh. I don't set out to deliberately offend!

RosesAreRed - no I am honestly not a journalist! Not at all. I have only had one tiny article published and that was in the Guardian under the "Playlist" column where you talk about a particular song which has meaning to you (which incidentally is open to anyone and everyone for submissions as is their recipe section). I enjoy trying to write in an amusing way and just hope to make people laugh a little.

Bellasnana - I too have lost beloved relations to cancer, including my own dear mum last year, so I have the deepest sympathy for Kirstie on that score as I do for anyone who has lost a loved one or is indeed experiencing that terrible disease themselves. However, if a person willingly puts themselves in the public eye, they must be open to receiving both praise and criticism.

I have collected vintagey style bits and pieces for a long time, always cheaply and mainly from charity shops, boot sales and little vintage fairs along with odd bits that have come down through the family. I make bits and pieces myself when I have time and have dabbled in the odd evening class in pottery, stained glass, silver and beaded jewellery and felt making. I am useless at sewing and cannot knit or crochet to save my life although I would love to learn. I do make a good chutney though, and a decent marmalade.

Nice to meet you fellow Gransnetters and thank you for the (mostly) warm welcome.

Rowantree Thu 09-Jan-14 18:05:55

BeesLovelyBuns....'One dabbles', does one? ;)

Agreed - I'm sure no one here would wish cancer on anyone - I expect most of us have lost a loved one to it at some stage, or battled with it ourselves. I lost my mother far too young, before I had time to make amends for my mis-spent youth and to re-discover each other.
But I do agree with Bees - that is a different issue from creating oneself a public image, in which case you have to be prepared to take the flack for it as well as any praise.

I'd still love there to be a REAL series on television which was more in the line of workshops - rather like Delia's cookery programmes used to be, maybe. I'd love to learn more crafting skills, and it would be an inexpensive way of doing it - sadly, many adult education classes are either expensive or closing. Our local centre used to be a thriving centre of excellence as far as textile crafts went - offering City and Guilds and other courses in embroidery, patchwork and quilting, design, soft furnishing, sugarcrafts....and now it's a shadow of its former self. Very sad. Television producers are ignoring a target audience!

mollie Thu 09-Jan-14 19:47:22

Rowantree, I was remembering the afternoon TV programmes of the 70s when I was a young mum that featured the likes of Mary Berry, Xena Walker (cookery) and Ann Bradbury (needlework) in a regular magazine format. It was interesting, useful and sensible...does anyone remember these programmes?

Bees... I'm not especially offended by your specific post but by the tendency to knock people in general. What's fun about that? If people don't like particular people in the media it seems to me the easiest way to get rid of them is to not watch/listen/buy their work and let lack of sales/viewers/listeners do the trick. Watching something you clearly find ludicrous just gives KA better viewing figures and will ensure she gets another series at some time.

penguinpaperback Thu 09-Jan-14 20:20:26

Yes I read of Kirstie's Mum's death Bellasnana. I have the same breast cancer spread and as she had been I've been living with this for ten years now. At the moment you would not know I was unwell and I'm enjoying a period of stability. But I had read of Kirstie's worries and I know how my own daughter has worried about me when things are not going so well.
I'm a fan of Kirstie Allsopp. smile