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Kirstie's Homemade Hogwash

(84 Posts)
BeesLovelyBuns Thu 19-Dec-13 12:52:23

So – Kirstie’s latest craft-inspired instalment provides us with all the guidance we need to give our Christmas interiors that sought-after designer magic that can only be provided by an over-stuffed aristocrat who is increasingly coming to resemble Leigh Bowery during his “let’s dress up as an armchair” period.

We start with delicious gifts our nearest and dearest will be so delighted to receive - namely “pine syrup”. Yes – syrup with, er, some pine in it. Gather up those Christmas tree off-cuts (the one your hunter-gatherer other half has pulled from a snow-covered forest with his bare hands and a roar and is always at least three feet too tall for the living room ceiling) sweep them up and chuck them in a pan with some sugar syrup. All well and good except Kirstie has clearly overlooked the fact that pine belongs down your toilet and not in a cocktail.

Moving on, and now she’s making popcorn. Magically Kirstie transforms corn kernels into light, golden, puffs by heating it up in a saucepan with a slug of oil. Who knew? Now we all love a bowl of popcorn on a Saturday night in front of the telly but that’s not enough for Kirstie. Oh no. We have to make it festive by mixing it with……..a jar of mincemeat. Which ends up looking like…… a jar of mincemeat. With some bits of popcorn chucked in it. So, you go to grab a fistful of lovely, crunchy, popcorn whilst you’re feasting your eyes on Strictly and encounter a handful of sticky mincemeat with some soggy bits of popcorn in it which you then end up wiping on the sofa. Oh yum.

On to – knickers. Tie-dyed knickers to be precise. A lesson in how to ruin a perfectly fine pair of kecks by wrapping them up in elastic bands and dipping them in a vat full of dye. And then sewing on labels with the days of the week. Because, of course, when I’m at work and I can’t remember what day it is after a night out on the sauce, I’m immediately going to strip off down to my undercrackers in order to check. Has anyone, ever, in the history of lingerie, been delighted to receive a gift of tie-dyed pants? “Oh love, I thought you’d want something I handmade specially for you this year so, instead of spending a week’s salary on silk and lacy raunchiness in Agent Provocateur, I bought a pack of Dylon and transformed your old grey smalls”. Brilliant.

And then, finally, Christmas crafts. Pom poms! Paper flowers! Polystyrene balls covered in glitter! Now maybe Kirstie was too busy at Bedales, learning how to walk whilst balancing a book on her head but, love, the rest of us made all that stuff at primary school. When we were 7. And I have done my time cooing over the kids’ scrunched up bits of tissue paper, distorted snowmen and wonky snowflakes. I swear this was purely an excuse for Kirstie to see how many times she could make legitimate reference to “sticky balls”.

I’ve got an idea for the perfect Christmas present for Kirstie. A proper job .

Bah humbug.

JessM Thu 19-Dec-13 13:13:39

grin grin grin

sunflowersuffolk Thu 19-Dec-13 13:26:16

I agree totally.

It's a shame, they've missed an opportunity to make a proper craft programme, about inventive but realistic affordable ideas on home decoration for Christmas etc. Such as making a tree from twigs, wreaths etc. Salt dough tree decs Not items no one wants. or things that cost a fortune to make. I'd be interested in that, preferably without Kirsty!

Tegan Thu 19-Dec-13 13:31:52

Yes; but we all watch the programme [don't we wink?]. I did wonder if that was her 'real' home or one of those 'Hello' Magazine type things. I only caught the tie dye knickers bit on 'Gogglebox' last night [which I loved]. Someone thought she was Nigella confused. By the way, does everyone know that Lulu is selling face cream on the shopping channel? [I do realise that my late night/early morning channel hopping is turning me into an even sadder person than I was before I retired sad]but I seem to have discovered a sort of Terry Pratchett alternative world which was unknown to me before.

yogagran Thu 19-Dec-13 13:43:44

Love it bees grin

Soutra Thu 19-Dec-13 13:49:23


merlotgran Thu 19-Dec-13 14:11:18

BeesLovelyBuns, Do I suspect you're not entering to the spirit of all things Kirstie?

Never one to resist a challenge I looked on t'internet for a recipe for Pine Syrup and came across a very long winded and boring video by an American lady who was a bit like Kirstie on Mogadon. She advocated using needles from Pinus monticola, the Western White Pine and not any old common or garden Christmas tree.

Yippee, I thought. We have one of those so I sent DH off to bring in some small branchy bits but I knew I was in for trouble when I heard him start up the chainsaw! tchshock

He then dumped a load of Scots Pine (wrong one) on the draining board and proceeded to wash clumps of needles in the sink. The water was FILTHY even after four or five rinses. Scots Pines are wonderful windbreaks and filter traffic pollution, dust and other nasties from the air. Obviously these are necessary ingredients for a cocktail!!

The video said you can chop the needles in a food processor. Not when they're wet you can't. We gave up and used a pair of nail scissors instead. You then simmer a cup of pine needles and a cup of water for half an hour then strain off the needles. You are then left with a horrible grey looking solution to which you add two tablespoons of corn syrup. This is obtainable from specialist shops and would you believe it I had some in my cupboard???

You then reduce the liquid to half it's volume so all you have left is about four tablespoons of not very syrupy flavourless goo.

Now the best bit......You shout SOD THAT FOR A GAME OF TIN SOLDIERS and make yourself a delicious cocktail using Tesco's finest Maple Syrup because that's a tree isn't it????

Lona Thu 19-Dec-13 16:45:30

merlot That's very very funny! tchgrin

ninathenana Thu 19-Dec-13 16:51:52

merlot " cocktail using Tesco finest maple......... tchgrin tchgrin

JessM Thu 19-Dec-13 16:52:36

Well the right species of pine would make all the difference of course.
Is the smug Kirsty (never forgiven her for the gratuitous campaign to sink the home information pack - an innovation that would have improved house buying and which was sabotaged by an unholy alliance of Allsop, RICS and the Daily Mail after much time and effort had been spent preparing for it. Grr.) wanting to become the UK's answer to Martha Stewart? And if so will she end up in jail ? Please...

Ana Thu 19-Dec-13 16:53:58

I don't watch Tegan! I did see a clip on Gogglebox last night, though, showing her tie-dyeing those knickers...she seemed to think someone would be really thrilled to receive 20 pairs as a Christmas present! tchhmm

Anne58 Thu 19-Dec-13 17:04:01

Not sure I'm comfortable with the comments on her physical appearance.

merlot that did make me tchgrin

Tegan Thu 19-Dec-13 17:06:02

How would you know what size to buy for people blush? I did give my niece some minute cardboard knickers one year with the money to buy seven pairs but it was to do with a conversation we'd had the year before.

Mishap Thu 19-Dec-13 17:22:47

Surely life is too short?!

Nonu Thu 19-Dec-13 17:23:52

* BEES* you post post made me roar !
Not seen you before are you a Newbie ?

merlotgran Thu 19-Dec-13 17:26:21

My thirteen yr old DGD told her mother, 'If you even think of giving me tie dyed knickers for Christmas, I'll go and live with Granny!'

DD thought it best to mention that it was Granny who taught her how to tie dye in the first place. tchgrin

JessM Thu 19-Dec-13 17:52:28

Oh yes right phoenix I was getting Leigh Bowery mixed up with the gay teapot chap who won the Turner Prize and dresses in all kinds of interesting outfits. (there is a theme running here).
A very highbrow insult I guess but Leigh was a much admired artists model hmm

Anne58 Thu 19-Dec-13 18:15:09

Grayson Perry, Jess he also did the Reith Lectures this year.

Actually, he's NOT gay, just a transvestite who likes to be "Clare" sometimes.

Tegan Thu 19-Dec-13 18:17:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

newist Thu 19-Dec-13 18:44:08

Does that mean, what I do in my bathroom each morning is "Art" tchgrin

jinglbellrocks Thu 19-Dec-13 18:44:32

How many of the programmes did you sit through?

And why? tchconfused

wisewoman Thu 19-Dec-13 19:12:51

Have never watched this and after having a good giggle at the OP I am glad. It sounds like things you do with small children - a lot of effort and mess for a not very great end result. I say this after wiping gold glitter paint from various bits of furniture! It is fine with the kids because it is the PROCESS of making which is fun but grown ups making tie dyed knickers? What?

JessM Thu 19-Dec-13 19:16:50

Sorry Grayson if you are a member. Am not concentrating. All of a fluster at the exciting prospect of Allsop going to jail like Stewart (it was not for encouraging women to waste their lives making twee table decorations - but it should have been)
Oh and I thought Leigh was mainly known as a model for Lucien Freud. Less highbrow defaectating on stage. Australian take on performance art maybe?

Tegan Thu 19-Dec-13 19:22:44

There's a craft workshop opened up in the next village, two doors away from one of those places where children make pots and such like. Although, the childrens one only opened because the shop owner wanted a tea room/cafe and she could only get permission if there was a craft workshop there as well. Not sure if there's a link.

rockgran Thu 19-Dec-13 19:28:33

Years ago a magazine article suggested dyeing all one's "grey" underwear orange to revive it. I did so ......then threw it in the bin. Not a success! sad