Long Lost Family. The future for IVF kids?

I have often had the same thoughts Primrose .
Is it not selfish to want to create a baby "all by yourself?"
I do know someone who did this but don't know what her child knows, or is bothered by, their unusual conception.

I was asked to offer my eggs after the birth of my last child. I refused as it seemed unnatural though I admire women who are altruistic and want to help other women.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Reported

Primrose, I could have wept for that lovely successful man, who had felt that inner lonliness all of his life. The urge to have a child without a father is to satisfy the mother and not child..It does affect them.
My marriage broke down and father moved on. I think even with my own family they missed out, wondering why their own father wasn't bothered. I felt I let them down always working, .goodness knows how never knowing who your father is as result of IVF affects anyone. I do not agree with it, the child should be priority. Just because it can be done doesn't mean it should be. How a woman can be an incubator for nine months and give that child away also escapes me. It's not a given right to have a child. There's plenty of children in care etc that need help and guidance.
I won't watch that programme again, Davina is irritating to put it kindly and that dreadful loud simpering music all the way through now is too much.

I never knew my biological father . I had a very distant stepfather and didn’t find out the truth until I was about 14 . I should have questioned my mum more but she was reluctant to say much so I didn’t push it . After my lovely mum died I asked close relatives but nobody knew who he was. From DNA testing I found out he was South Asian so mum was very brave to keep me in the 1950s and must have suffered abuse. It has definitely affected my relationships with men and as I haven’t been able to trace any close relatives I still feel as if “a piece of the jigsaw” is missing .

IVF is just oneway of getting pregnant, many whether they are single or married just choose a casual boyfriend have a baby, then the same for the second or third baby. All these children are just told mothers does not know who the father is, end of conversation, easy to explain, got drunk one night, holiday romance came home pregnant. There are a great many children don't know who their father is, it with formal IVF the donor has been given anonymity and that must be respected

Now we have DNA on ancestry sites it exposes a lot of past dalliances in past generations, now with IVF donors will easily be revealed

My cousins daughter has a son via IVF with a donor . She was 40 and hadn’t meet someone she wanted to spend her life with. And was desperate to be a mother and She is financially stable .
I don’t know what she plans to tell her child about its father , but prior to IVF she had extensive counselling about her decision and her future with her child .
Solo IVF isn’t something you go into lightly.

Tenko I can understand your relative's decision to use IVF, but she will have to be very truthful with her child as extended family know the ins and outs already.

I am lucky and came from a very ordinary and settled family. So my childhood had no questions about my parentage.

It must be very unsettling and sad to not know and we have a generation on the horizon and a generation already who have those questions

After listening to the radio series "the gift" which is about what happened to people who innocently took DNA tests from Ancestry when they discovered secrets that changed their lives.
I'll never give a gift of a DNA test again.

BBC Radio 4 - The Gift - Available now share.google/LcDdHXxiANNNX3V71

I have two nieces who both have babies via IVF, and as many of you know, so does my DD and DiL, as clearly they are a same sex couple.

It’s really, in terms of the child, no different from adoption, to explain to your child why and how they arrived in this world and became part of your family.

We have a blended family, my husband divorced when his daughter was just 4 years old, my own son never met his father, then when my son was 9, his daughter 10, my DH and I met, the following year we married and subsequently had 3 more children,

They simply need to be told the truth, in a very child appropriate way.

What children actually need when they are small, and as they grow up, is love, kindness and a stable settled home.

These are much wanted babies and their parents often go through hell and high water and anguish and heartache, not to mention expense.

The full explanations can come much later.

People who adopt face similar issues with explanations, as do people who divorce or are widowed.

The important thing is to be as open and honest as you possibly can.

This isn’t an “unusual” situation anymore.

As well as our own family I know two other couples who have beautiful and very happy IVF children.

seasider

I never knew my biological father . I had a very distant stepfather and didn’t find out the truth until I was about 14 . I should have questioned my mum more but she was reluctant to say much so I didn’t push it . After my lovely mum died I asked close relatives but nobody knew who he was. From DNA testing I found out he was South Asian so mum was very brave to keep me in the 1950s and must have suffered abuse. It has definitely affected my relationships with men and as I haven’t been able to trace any close relatives I still feel as if “a piece of the jigsaw” is missing .

Well done to your lovely mum.

My own mother was widowed when I was 4. Very long story short, my mother remarried a man she’d known since school, when I was 6, he legally adoptees me and I was very quickly a part of his extended family, gaining new cousins and a very lovely new Grandma, who in the short time she lived, never ever treated me any different from her biological grandchildren.

I was told “some” truths, but it wasn’t until my DM died in 2022, I found out the entire “truth” by piecing together various bits of paperwork.

As a result my husband and I have always been very honest and open with our 5 wonderful children.

@Cossy . I didn’t initially tell my children the full story as I had nothing to tell them . After the DNA testing I did tell them all I know .

"What children actually need when they are small, and as they grow up, is love, kindness and a stable settled home."

This in spades, Cossy!

Nothing, including a traditional 'set up' mitigates any harm done to children through unkind childrearing

Well yes but it is also important to acknowledge the impact an absent father ( however this occurs) has on children, especially it seems boys.

I think it can, but not necessarily be something that could possibly come back to slap the mother in the face years down the line. It depends on the child, we are all a combination of inherited characteristics so there's unpredictability about reactions or character traits that may be completely alien, given those composite of genes that go into making us who we are. I've seen interviews and read about very angry IVF adult children.

I have a friend who grew up never knowing her father, she felt her mother had purposely withheld that information from her, plus her mother told her birth had ruined her life. My friend through Ancestry and her DNA results has now made contact with a host of half brothers and sisters she knew nothing about, plus the back story of the circumstances around her birth. Her now dead mother, was training to be a nurse in Jamaica, her man had deceived her he was already married and he then abandoned her, at that time she had to give up her nursing aspirations. Anyway, long story short of late she has made contact with all her half siblings who have welcomed her in open arms, that has filled an enormous void in her life, she had a very unhappy childhood. Her mother came to England married a man, had more children,who have now cut her off, my friend was regarded as a cuckoo in the next, step father was abusive to her. I was so happy for this unexpected development, albeit coming later on in life. On the other hand, a similar situation, my hairdresser telling me about a family funeral she had to attend where her father, who again had abandoned her mother and her sibling to set up home with another woman, at this event she told me there were several half siblings. I think I said something along the lines of "that must be nice for you having them" she said she wasn't remotely interested in them and had no intention of keeping in touch. I think she just saw them as a bi-product of the misery that her father had inflicted on her mother. No two scenarios will have the same outcome.

My husband has/had two children from his first marriage, unfortunately his eldest died. We were all devastated when that happened, including my two who were teenagers at the time, a much loved big brother. However, I'm really pleased that they have a very close relationship with their half sister, although none of them ever refer to the "half" she's always "sis" if they don't use her actual name. Although I know she was very close to her full brother, they were only a year apart so his loss to her was immense. I think having two younger brothers has at least provided her with the feeling of "I still have siblings". I remember calling round to her house when she moved fairly near us a couple of years ago, to find one of my sons helping her shifting the furniture around, they both have long telephone conversations with her, longer than with us I believe My younger son is so like his half brother not only in looks but mannerisms. Last week when she called in, she was looking at her dad's recent birthday cards and when she read his card, she said she can't get over how similar his writing that of her older brother.

The thing that concerns me about IVF with anonymous donors is future partners will not know if they are related which can affect the health of offspring and be multiplied over generations.

seasider

@Cossy . I didn’t initially tell my children the full story as I had nothing to tell them . After the DNA testing I did tell them all I know .

Absolutely, you cannot tell people facts you don’t have

25Avalon

The thing that concerns me about IVF with anonymous donors is future partners will not know if they are related which can affect the health of offspring and be multiplied over generations.

Whilst u understand your concerns, it’s really no different from people, who do exist, probably in far greater numbers than IVF, who have multiple children by multiple partners.

It happens far more frequently than you might imagine, with parents staying in similar geographical areas and children going to school with unknown half siblings.

Galaxy

Well yes but it is also important to acknowledge the impact an absent father ( however this occurs) has on children, especially it seems boys.

So, are you suggesting two female parents will not be able to parent a male child fully?

If that wasn’t so insulting, it would be hilarious!

Yes, I’m very well aware that in some cases a lack of good male role models can sometimes be detriment to boys (actually girls too, but for different reasons)

How on earth do you think Mums managed to parent young boys during WW1 and WW2? I’m not aware that we had entire generations of feral boys?

Also, I brought up my son for the first 9 years of his life alone, just the two of us living together.

I worked full time so he had female Nannies/childminders, then when he started full time in a Montessori pre school (run by women), he was collected from school and looked after at home, by au pairs, til I got in from work.

My father was illegitimate,he never knew his father but he grew up with his mother and her widowed dad.
He never mentioned his lack of a father,he had a brilliant relationship with his granda and the uncle he was named after.
We visited his uncle and family most weeks until I was in my teens
I don’t know if he missed having a dad or if he would want to know the result of my DNA test which show a chunk of Italian DNA.
Maybe that’s where his love of opera and his wonderful voice came from ? Who knows.
All I know is regardless of a tough start,his mum died when he was 12,he was a amazing ,thoughtful,tolerant man who loved us ,a man who when my daughter had colic would come to my home and send me for a bath while he settled her
A dad who stood at the back stairs and,istened to all my teen angst,the man whose mantra was don’t worry your mother speak to me.
Father unknown it isn,t always something to worry about…in fact some dads would be better not there

paddyann54

My father was illegitimate,he never knew his father but he grew up with his mother and her widowed dad.
He never mentioned his lack of a father,he had a brilliant relationship with his granda and the uncle he was named after.
We visited his uncle and family most weeks until I was in my teens
I don’t know if he missed having a dad or if he would want to know the result of my DNA test which show a chunk of Italian DNA.
Maybe that’s where his love of opera and his wonderful voice came from ? Who knows.
All I know is regardless of a tough start,his mum died when he was 12,he was a amazing ,thoughtful,tolerant man who loved us ,a man who when my daughter had colic would come to my home and send me for a bath while he settled her
A dad who stood at the back stairs and,istened to all my teen angst,the man whose mantra was don’t worry your mother speak to me.
Father unknown it isn,t always something to worry about…in fact some dads would be better not there

I agree.

Your father sounds like a truly wonderful and loving father

A sweeping statement, Galaxy. My parents split up when I was four or five, and DM took me back to her widowed mother's house, on the other side of the country from where DF had moved with us few months before. DM's youngest brother still lived with his mother, her two other brothers were in constant touch - one lived nearby with his family, so I was not short of male role models. And DF travelled up to see me every school holidays. As I mentioned in a thread on a similar topic some time ago, the important thing is that the child feels secure, which I always did.

It is not for me to judge how I turned out, but DW stuck with me for more then fifty years before she died, and my family, DDs and partners, DGCs, is close-knit.

It is not a sweeping statement, all sorts of things that adults do impact on children, including many things I have done myself. The impact of absent fathers is clear I am afraid in the statistics in terms of outcomes for children. I have no idea what the studies show on same sex parenting cossy, I remember interesting studies that show the impact of the death of a father has very different outcomes to an absent father, so I suspect that may be a different scenario. As I have mentioned recently I had relationships with women in my past and guess what women who are attracted to other women hold all sorts of different views on this subject.
One of the highest risk factors in terms of child safety is the introduction of a step parents ( so families with numerous different fathers increase this risk) this isnt saying families cant function or do well in all sorts of circumstances but that certain circumstances generally produce different outcomes for children. Again those who experience the worst outcomes in these scenarios are those living in poverty, by cheering it on the middle class ensure those families have worse outcomes than themselves.