Dementia and elderly father with live in partner who is becoming very unreliable

She sounds as if she wants to take care of him but is at the end of her tether. You and your brother do your best but you can’t have any idea of the strain that dementia puts on a carer.

Part of her refusal may be not wanting to have live with a strange person in her own home. That could be an additional stress for her instead of a support.
There can be a very strong feeling too of the feeling you have expressed of “partners are a unit and should take care of each other” and the guilt you feel when you hand over the care of someone you love to someone who doesn’t love them.

Is it a legal partnership? If not, she is not the next of kin unless other legal arrangements have been made. If she owns half the house then she can refuse to have another person living there. Actually I don’t think that’s unreasonable of her.

So residential care might be the decision you have to make on your fathers behalf. She might even be grateful that you’ve taken responsibility for that decision. She probably doesn’t have the power to do so.

Get in touch with Social Services or PALS about your concerns it’s obvious your fathers situation needs looking into. His partner refusing help but complaining about it does not sound right. If you live a distance away it’s all you can do but at least it’s a start.

Thanks yes social services are involved they have a problem too with her so moody. Trying to be supportive and calm but very difficult when she is so aggressive very upsetting she kicks off in front of my father who is v placid and always has been. Fortunately they are not in a legal partnership she moved in years ago even though my father wasn’t happy about it. If my father had been on his own years ago I would of moved cliser but as partner was there was no need to. Lesson to myself never get involved with older man if you're not prepared to take responsibility . Living together in my book should be commitment for good and bad times and not abandon a person if they are not well

She could also be suffering for hormonal problems as well as stress from your father.

The partner must be at least between 75 and 80 herself, presumably. Her own physical and mental health might no longer be great either. Possibly your expectations of her are unreasonable?

Unless someone has lived 24/7 with a person suffering from dementia they have no idea what it's like. As Oldnproud says, she is not likely to be young herself, so the stress of looking after a person with dementia could be affecting her in ways that you and she might not be aware of.

A carer may be determined to look after the person themselves, without outside help, but they can melt down too, at the drop of a hat. What seems obvious to you - accepting help for instance - might be something she just can't accept. "Common sense" goes out the window when you are faced with your life partner behaving in ways that you don't want to see, and demanding things you can't provide.

Speak to social services, adult protection, NHS, everybody you can and keep pushing. They will try to push it all on to families/partners when what your DF may need is full time residential care, or at least visiting carers. There is a time when your DF will become so incapacitated by his illness that a care package will be more than recommended, it will become obligatory.

As for yourself, don't feel guilty about not visiting as often as your DF and his partner want you to. The demands of people with this illness can become infinite and you have a life to lead too.

I should also say - "abandoning" is a strong word. Sometimes there's just nothing you can do, and you have to get help from elsewhere.

Maybe she is also suffering from Dementia?

As others have said looking after someone with Dementia is a huge load to carry on her own, if there is no formal agreement between them I would think that she might be thinking that if you Father goes into a home then she will be homeless?

Phoning and pointing out what she should be doing is not helping her when she lives with it 24/7.

Your Father, not ‘you’.

Yes this is a situation I’m probably going to face in the future, his family do live close and the relationships are good. He has already said he wants to stay at home and has already made it as easy as possible, arrangement for private carers will be made when needed, because council care is totally inadequate in this area. My heart goes out to those without family backup because it make it so much easier to bear if you are supported.

I think it is too much for her to handle, your expectations are too unrealistic.

Could it be time for a professional carer to step in?

I was thinking the same Oopsadaisy. Maybe she is exhibiting signs of dementia Awsomegranny which could be exacerbated by the stress of looking after your father.

Aggression is often one of the indicators and as others have said, caring for him may simply be too much for her.

Have you considered contacting your fathers local Social Services and putting a referral in for both him and his partner? There does seem to be some underlying problem going on and this will only get worse over time. Alternatively, can you speak to your fathers GP and express your concerns? I realise they are unable to discuss a patient but they can listen to your concerns surely?
Aggressive behaviour can be an indicator of an infection so perhaps the partner is unwell herself.

Could you offer to stay with your father for a couple of weeks while she goes on holiday or to stay with her family? Then you will see exactly what care your father needs and possibly get an understanding of what she finds difficult. Short visits when not actually staying at the house will be very different than living with someone with dementia 24/7 and trying to shop, cook, clean etc.

Awesomegranny if you haven't already done so then you and your brother need to set up Power of Attorney for both your father's financial affairs and his health and welfare.
Then you can speak to the authorities on his behalf and act for him.
He needs to be aware enough to agree so don't delay.
You can do the forms online.

Yes to all LPA sorted, social services and GP are aware and have found a lovely place for respite care. No doubt conversations being repeated many times a day will affect even the most capable. Still I suppose those suffering have all their daily troubles taken away and it’s the relatives who deal with all the problems.

someone recently said to me his wife isn't "suffering" with it she's living with it just like he and their daughters are ,Inthis case the wife has recently been hospitalised because of a stroke .I was horrified to hear him say he hoped she would die from it ...until I thought about it
.She has no life at all and his is even worse .How bad does it have to be though to wish for your wife's death?
Give your dads partner credit for standing by him 24/7 offer her help not criticism

Paddyann54
I can understand the horrifying thoughts of hearing somebody wishing a different outcome for a loved one

Thanks for understanding where he came from- it came from a place of love and quality of life.

It sounds like your dad’s partner is at the end of her tether. It’s one thing wanting to care for the man that she has lived with and loved. It’s quite another coping with this awful disease and the pressures it brings with it.