Nasty/ignorant colleague

What a lot of posters are treating a casual acquantanceship like an episode of a soap opera - all interactions must be supercharged with emotion and ulterior motives. It is like teenage girls bitching to each other. Why not just be calmly pleasant with this woman and get on with the work like adults, without building fantasy feuds into it whenever you bump into her.

just thought, at our local church, we had a cafe going before Pandemic.. a small one... small amount of volunteers, one lady there... well you can imagine.. I just could not get through to her... so let her be,,, herself... plenty of others,, sad but...

after the pandemic, she is now smiling, chatting and being very friendly with me... who knows what other people are going through

It seems like a form of bullying to me. Might be an idea to keep a record of things that she does. You shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable in your workplace.

Is it just that she hasn't spoken to you or is she giving you dirty looks as well? If she just doesn't speak, she could be shy. If giving you nasty looks/pushing past you ect then perhaps she doesn't like you. If that is the case, and you know you have done nothing to upset her I would let her get on with it. If she is the bullying type and you try to make friends with her she will only despise you for it.

It sounds like you need to pluck up the courage to break the ice. Maybe your lack of confidence seems "cold" to her or maybe she senses (incorrectly) you want to be left alone, especially if you withdraw in group company. If you are avoiding her, maybe that reinforces that belief. My suggestion would be to just say, "Hello," and smile when you use the kitchen if she is around. Even if it doesn't bring about a "friendship" it may break the ice enough for her to respond similarly which should ease your discomfort a little.
If being quietly friendly doesn't work and you don't want to ask her what you have done to offend her, just let her coldness wash over you. As long as you have other people who are friendly within the group, you should concentrate on them.

BlueBelle

Well you re calling her a nasty ignorant colleague in your heading but if you ve never spoken to her how do you work out that she’s nasty or ignorant
Some people gel some don’t just get on with your work and talk to colleagues that seem pleasant toward you

Presumably OP worked out that she's nasty and ignorant because that's exactly what her behaviour to OP is demonstrating.

Sorry to say it but but resigning is the only way to go. For whatever reason they don’t like you I don’t think it will change and I could not work with that. I’d be on the hunt for something else.

My late mother would have advised to " kill her with kindness" ....be nice to her, say hello, bring in someting to share, offer to get her a coffee, compliment her on ...ask her opinion on ...basically, get her on your side.It never failed her ..

Bit drastic GraceQuirrel I think work colleagues are just that. They are not friends and we just have to get on and work with them. I don't think it's necessary to be over friendly although of course it helps.

I am not a very confident person, and when I was younger, I was very reticent to speak to more senior people at work. Something similar could be going on here. On the other hand she may just not feel the need to speak to you.. You won’t know unless you speak to her. I wouldn’t make a big thing of saying we have to sort this out etc, just when you see her say what you would to anyone you don’t know well, nice weather, busy here today etc. and see how she responds. As others have said, as you are feeling an atmosphere you may be unconsciously giving off negative vibes. I also think if you think someone doesn’t like you, you may react differently eg if she rushes past you through a door she may be in a hurry but you may be more affronted than if a friend did the same.

Do you need to talk to her? I’d just crack on with my work and being my normal friendly self to all - leave her to her own devices.

She may be shy and introvert, but confident with her friend whom she may have known for a long time. Not everybody is an extrovert chatter box. As someone said, you can be inclusive if you wish, share some quality street when you have been given a present for your birthday. Just be friendly in a very understated way. Good luck.

More important get on and do your work to a good standard.

The best way to deal with this is to say cheerily 'Good morning' every day when you first see her and 'Goodbye' when she stands up to go, as well as smiling benignly and always being polite and helpful and take any opportunity to talk to her during the day.

This is rather wearing but no one can fault your behaviour and she will be seen as 'difficult / unsociable / responsible for the situation. This will turn the tables on her and you can have the warm feeling that you are doing all you can to improve the atmosphere.

Good luck, it may take some time!

I’m with the “kill with kindness” brigade, but I would also add that I think it’s a very good idea to use her name.
For instance, “Good morning, X”, “Isn’t it a lovely day, X?” “Did you see ??? on tv last night, X?” Only once a day, but doing it every day may be a start, & if you can do it in front of others then so much the better. Good luck

Elegran

What a lot of posters are treating a casual acquantanceship like an episode of a soap opera - all interactions must be supercharged with emotion and ulterior motives. It is like teenage girls bitching to each other. Why not just be calmly pleasant with this woman and get on with the work like adults, without building fantasy feuds into it whenever you bump into her.

Inclined to agree with you Elegran. Much ado about nothing ?

Ignore her attitude. Speak pleasantly to her if you need to at work, and say hullo or good morning when you meet her on the stairs or in the lift first thing.

If you have never spoken to her, how do you know she does not like you?

Might she not be going around thinking the coldness and dislike is on your part?

I had the same once with a colleage and would always say hello only to be blanked. He was the same with lots of people. Dammed if I was letting him get to me though. Then I started saying Hello, how's your day going and made direct eye contact. Difficult not to answer then. Didn't take long to start having a bit of banter, He was simply preoccupied with his workload and focused so much on that that he blanked people. Don't make a huge issue out of this, persevere with a cheery hello and see how you go. Good luck xxx

I worked with some pretty odd people over the years. The newly married man who wondered why I didn’t want to sit on his knee. Another guy who was always telling me his wife didn’t understand him. Two elderly bachelor brothers who took it in turns to dictate incredibly boring memos to each other! What took the biscuit though was a woman who I worked with (separate offices fortunately) who would tell me all about the previous night’s Coronation Street, even though I pointed out many times that I didn’t watch it and wasn’t interested. Her moment came when my elder son was in the Royal Marines in Iraq in 2003. She charged in, all excited, to let me know that a helicopter filled with Royal Marines had crashed and all on board were dead. I was speechless. Son had told us that if anything happened there was a news blackout until the family had been informed. Now that’s the sort of person you don’t want to work with.

Casdon

I wonder if you’re giving off the vibe that you don’t like her - the heading of your post is an indicator that this may be a two way dislike?

I thought this too ^. Perhaps try striking up a conversation or ask her for her opinion/help. She may feel intimidated by your work experience.

I worked with a girl once who was rather bolchie with me, so I told her she had attitude which rather shocked her and she asked others if it true. She was fine after that!

L

Lots of suggestions as to why she might be or appear to be disliking the OP.
Over 40 years of working with scores of colleagues and as a manager at various levels, I’ve come across most types from cold to bolshie to disinterested and bullying.
My opinion - convince yourself that it really doesn’t matter. Whatever her reasons…it doesn’t matter….you must ignore her actions/behaviour…unless it negatively affects your work. If she’s deliberately ignoring you or deliberately being negative that’s her problem. Maybe she’s not a nice person and thinks that that kind of behaviour is OK?
You should act normally; smile or say hello when you see her, as you would with any colleague. Then ignore her. Get on with your life at work. Do what you want to do, don’t be pushed into changing your behaviour - some bullies thrive on trying subtly to push people out, often for no reason.
I’ve been a referee between bullies and bullied where the bully couldn’t even begin to explain why their bad behaviour had begun! Sometimes they behaved negatively because they could?!
You don’t need this woman as a friend or acquaintance. You wouldn’t want to know her. It’s by chance you come into any contact by being in the same workplace.
Treat her, in your head, as not worth thinking about. Be polite and open, then get on with your work life.
Believe me there always one in every work place…sometimes several of them.

But you haven’t actually interacted with her, by the sounds of it. It sounds from your post that you’re not the type of person to start a conversation, so she probably thinks the same about you. Either way, you’re building this up in your head. Just start chatting with her!

polnan
carry on being the lovely person you are. Did you not read the heading of this thread? The OP has referred to someone she has never had any contact with as nasty/ignorant
I think I know where the anti is coming from

I can’t believe some of these posts someone even advising you to resign Good grief !!!

Totally agree Elegran a whole lot of drama around nothing

Just get on with your work you’re not there to have a social life sometimes you get lovely social moments out of work sometimes it never happens talk to those who talk to you smile and be pleasant to the ones that don’t and just get on with getting on

CoffeeFirst with respect this is you that has a problem with your own self belief and might be a really good idea to do some self help and build up your self confidence
Remember you can’t change others you can only change yourself

Good post, blueb!

Here's a thing for your, coffee: "The people who mind don't matter; people who matter won't mind."

In short: Be Yourself (criminal disclaimers apply)